I'm so scared!!!

[sosad61]

I'm so scared!!!

tassimo;691068 wrote: Anyone else feel like they have been living a lie???

YEP! Been there and done that. You'll get through this.

[queen of denial]

I'm so scared!!!

tassimo,
read the different threads here there is so much help and info here. Check out the toolbox thread under monthly moderation.. lots of good advice for people just starting out. It helped me a lot. My fav was something A work in progress posted called Do you deserve a drink today? it helped me change the way i see AL not as a friend but as a poison ..i copied this out and read it every day :
Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

anyway check out the toolbox thread there might be something else there you like better!
best wishes

[tassimo]

I'm so scared!!!

That is really something to think about isn't it? The opportunities rather than the deprivation...I like that! Thank you for sharing, and I will check the toolbox thread for more inspiration...

[42cat]

I'm so scared!!!

tassimo;691068 wrote: ... Anyone else feel like they have been living a lie???

My life was a complete lie, from morning to night. I snuck a morning drink before anyone woke up ... I got my "work stash" ready and into my bag before anyone got up ... I secretly planned my pay cheque around having enough money to drink .... I made sure to hit a different liquor store every day so that no one would think I'm an alkie ... I had bottles stashed in my "spot" at home... I had secret drinks hidden in my drawer in the evening so I could easilyand secretly "top up" the one I was working on in front of the family (my "relaxing evening drink" - yeah right) .... I'd be careful to hide my gagging in the morning ... and (toward the end of my drinking career) I would sometimes sneak out in the middle of the night for a top-up to ward off the shakes.

A lie.... 24/7. I am so ashamed of those lies and always will be, but with time it gets easier to let go because I'm adding things to my life to be proud of...replacing the bad with good ... and I'm focussing on that.

Just wanted to let you know ... that I think the "living a lie" feeling ...to some extent or on some level ... is there for just about all of us.

[LilBit]

I'm so scared!!!

42cat;691211 wrote: Just wanted to let you know ... that I think the "living a lie" feeling ...to some extent or on some level ... is there for just about all of us.

I agree with Cat! I used to think how horrified people would be if they knew the "other me." It was almost like having a split personality. Now, I try not to keep the lid on and be so nice all the time.

[sunbird]

I'm so scared!!!

:bday7:

Hi Tassimo,

Happy Birthday for yesterday!
Love,
Sunbird