hating myself

[Guest]

I am just hating myself so much at the moment-fell off the wagon with a thump-I was doing fine and then I was on my own-which is when I seem to drink,The social aspect, which I was dreading is actually fine, it's when I'm alone that it happens, my mother is ill and contact from my father,just brought up all these memories from my childhood, a very unhappy one and I just spent two days crying,for no reason! and of course what was the first thing that I did? -reached for a bottle(or three!) of wine -I didn't even enjoy it, it wasn't to get a kick out of it,it was as if I was self-harming,crying and downing glass after glass of wine,doing anything I could to make myself feel as worthless as possible,I just hate myself - I can't stand even looking at myself today, the thing is, my fianc? gave up drinking to support me and he hasn't touched a drop- whereas I have and not telling him about it has just made me feel such a sham and deeply ashamed of myself,he's been so supportive and wonderful, he just doesn't seem to have the relationship with alcohol as I do-he just stopped and he was aheavy drinker and he doesn't seem to have had any cravings at at all!I was feeling so much better without drinking, getting things done, sorting things out that really needed to be sorted out,forging ahead, thinking clearly, planning all these things, it's just so self-destructive, it's almost as if I can't believe that things are going well for me,I think that my natural feeling is to feel worthless and a failure and so when things are going well -I automatically look round and think "Hmmmmm, how can I screw this up?"I got involved with guys who made me feel absolutely worthless and I didn't drink and then I find a wonderful guy, so I immediately embark on mission to make myself feel worthless in other ways,Oh well!I feel better just writing this, there's a package at home - that I expect is the Campral I ordered and I'm going to start that as soon as possible and sort out a counsellor, I think my self-esteem needs a boost before I can stop doing what is essentially self-harming.I don't know whether to tell my fianc? about this or not, he's going to be so worried and so disappointed in me and I already feel bad enough about myself,without that .I just feel so ANGRY that I'm not" normal" sometimes, that I have this problem that is ruining my life,I am just feeling so ashamed of myself.

[Going Strong]

hating myself

Ah Darlin, I am so sorry you are hurting so much!............but stop be still, and listen. Some of us including me have a history of parental issues and its not the whole reason but a good part of why we are here! OK you did drink but you do have a choice about tomorrow!
How about if we forget and don't think about the past at all but just focus on tomorrow? I to do drink when I am alone but now what I have done is do a list of things (broken down to small pieces, so I don't get stressed) so when I don't know what to do, I go to the list! I have done more in the last 3 months than in the last few years.........How cool is that! jUST REMEMBER YOU ARE SOMEBODY WORTHWHILE! and fight for yourself!

[AMELIA]

hating myself

Hi Sophie,
Sorry to hear you've had a setback. Its great that you can go out socially and not be tempted - that's great, theres lots of people that would find that difficult. It also sounds like you have an incredible man who is right there supporting you through this. He would probably be just as understanding about a setback and you may feel a lot better if you air the truth (however I know from experience that is sometimes easier said than done!)
I can relate to what you say about drinking being 'self destructive' and I also tend to make my own life incredibly hard for ME! I seem to create my own stressy existence and I think its because I grew up in a very stressful environment and I actually feel quite out of sorts if everything is running smoothly and happily. Finding this site though has been great for me though as I too thought (for years and years) that I was not normal. I now think that I am pretty normal with a few differences - but hey everyone has those huh? I'm happy to hear you have Campral on the way or already there. You are making big big changes already. Give yourself a break and best wishes. Amelia

[Guest]

hating myself

Thanks Shas, I feel absolutely appalling and stupid!I have a real hangover and I remembered that I loathe being drunk-during and after, it was good to be reminded!I start taking Campral tomorrow and I'm going to make an appointment with an acupuncturist,I'm trying everything-waiting on the Cds too,it was a good reminder not to get too blas? and think you have everything under control, the demon drink is a wily thing!Thanks for your knid words.

[happycamper68]

hating myself

Sophie,
It's great that you have the Campral. I'm on day 3 of Campral and it WILL help you immensely. It is your decision whether or not to tell your fiance. I'm not sure if you have any of the other supplements but I also take the L-Glutamine to helo with the cravings and Calms Forte is a natural sedative (It's a brand called Hylands). You can get both of these at your vitmain shop. Not sure where you live but they can both help and there are other too but i don't want to bombard you and you have the Campral already which is wonderful. Don't hate yourself PLEASE, but if you feel like you are constantly sabotaging good things in your life because your self- esteem is so low and you have a lot of stuff going on maybe you need to talk to someone as well so you don't lose this guy who sounds really great and supportive. Good luck and come on chat! :welcome:

[Guest]

hating myself

Thanks guys! I really,really needed those kind words, I'll be checking in again tomorrow.