Starting and Scared

[warrior22]

I poured out all the liquor, and I'm going to do my first AF day in 5 years. Wish me luck! I'm scared. When I've sort-of tried to not drink for a day before, I'd get to about 10 p.m. and end up running out to get something. This time I"m for real! I got the librium from the Dr in case I have withdrawal, but I"m not so worried about that after hearing from some of you about your experiences. I'll take the librium for a day or two if I get shaky or anxious, but I hope I won't need it. It's there mostly to give me courage to try, I think!

I'm scared. Why? I'm afraid I'll never be able to fall asleep. I'm more scared that I'll find myself bored out of my mind, wandering about the house aimlessly, wondering what to do, and wanting desperately to pour some vodka. Wanting it so much I'll go get some, no matter how disappointed I am in myself for doing so.

For ages my evenings have revolved around my vodka habit. I start with wine at dinner with hubby most nights. Then he stops drinking, and I switch to vodka (he knows I drink some, but he has no idea how much!!! I keep it well hidden). He goes to bed at 10 p.m., and I stay up drinking until midnight. I ENJOY my evening drinking time. I relax, and it makes everything else I'm doing more enjoyable. Early in the evening it might be watching TV, washing dishes, preparing for the class I teach, or helping my kids with homework. I chat with my kids (why are my teenagers and my husband more interesting and talkative when I'm drinking??). Later in the evening, when I"m in no condition to help with homework or prepare for my own classes, or have a coherent conversation, I drink while reading a book or surfing the internet. Of course, I can't recall the next day what I read! When I can hardly keep my eyes open, I fall into bed and sleep. My main evening activity is drinking; the rest is just window dressing or a backdrop.

So when I don't drink, I suppose I can do all those things. But somehow they don't sound nearly as interesting without the vodka. In fact, a lot of it sounds like drudgery. So although I know I have to quit drinking, and I want to quit, I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable. I'm afraid I"ll discover that I"m even more boring and pathetic than I realized.

So any suggestions?? I know I'm supposed to find something to fill the evening time--exercises, new class, etc. But honestly, none of those sound as much fun as vodka! And they require more work on my part. I don't know if I"ll have the energy/will power.

But gosh darn it, I won't KNOW if I'll be miserable and can't sleep unless I try it! So tonight I'll try it . . . . . Please tell me the first night is the hardest, and then you feel so good, it becomes easy!! Please, oh, please tell me that!! Because if it doesn't get easier, how could I possibly keep it up?? I'm not feeling very confident about this at the moment. In fact, as I said earlier, I'm quite scared!

[Determination]

Starting and Scared

I can relate to alot of things in your post! I had somewhat of the same schedule...come home from work and have a glass of wine. Have a glass while cooking dinner. Another glass during dinner. Another glass while helping kids with homework. Another glass while sitting with the kids while they are doing their mandatory reading time. They go to bed, time for another glass because I'm bored. Then I'm hungry so I eat something not good for me. Pick up my book....pour another glass of wine and read. Pass out at some point and wake up at 1:30 a.m. and go to bed.

I was worried about what the heck was I going to do without my wine! The first few days were the hardest, and it did seem strange. But, it was a HABIT. Habits take time to break! I also found that I had alot more energy than I had when drinking - so I was able to actually do the dishes after dinner instead of in the morning. I stayed awake to watch the T.V. show. I read and remembered what I read and before I knew it, it was bedtime.

The first couple of days I did have trouble sleeping, but that is just temporary. I can honestly tell you that I FEEL so much better AF - and I've been turning to various flavors of iced tea to help me since I am so used to a glass of something nearby.

I had a recent set-back - by choice I got a bottle of wine after a bad day at work. Prior to that I had been 10 days AF. The wine didn't taste as good....I felt like crap physically the next day...and it really dawned on me that I LIKED being AF more than the glass(es) of wine.

So, don't let fear of the drudgery keep you from trying - I think you will be pleasantly surprised that after a few days, you find that you enjoy the conversations more....that you are not as bored as you thought you would be.

[tassimo]

Starting and Scared

Hi Warrior...you and I sound very much alike. I know you are scared, but your name says it all. You have to be strong and you have to want it. Think about your kids...think about when they are teenagers. They have seen you drinking,,they might think it's ok for them to do it. I am only AF for 8 days now...but I very much enjoyed my vodka as well. I would start drinking at around 4pm everyday,,either beer or wine. Then around 8 or 9 I would switch to vodka. I had the same fears about not sleeping. To be honest, I take a sleeping pill around 10pm now and I fall asleep and stay asleep all night right now...but I have a Dr. appt. next week (after some very disturbing liver test results...need I say more????) and I will be confessing to her my alcohol intake and I hope she will prescribe something to help me sleep without the over the counter stuff which I know isn't very good for you...but I figure it's better than the booze. Anyway,,I sure do understand your fears. Maybe read a good book or watch some movies in the evenings? Won't it be nice to remember them the next day? I can't tell you how many times I would watch my favorite show and then have to re-watch it the next day cause I was too drunk to remember any of it. Think ahead,,,to the next day, how you will feel waking up without a hangover and remembering conversations you had with your husband and/or kids. I am no expert, but these are just things that I am doing to help me through.

I am sure your body will feel the absence of the alcohol in your system and go through some disturbing stuff...but you sound like a strong person and you have to believe in yourself and see that your life is worth living without the alcohol...enjoy and appreciate the little things..and the example you are setting for your kids..you may find life is sweeter!

I check here often and just reading other people's success stories are so inspiring,,everyone here is so supportive and understanding, maybe instead of reaching for the drink, come to this website after your husband is in bed for support...Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk sometime...

[Lavande]

Starting and Scared

Warrior,

You are no different from any other person on this site. We all had to face our first day and we were all scared! You can do this if you remember a few things:
1. You must have a positive attitude and a strong desire to succeed.
2. You have to change your routine & your habits. Learn how to distract yourself when your thoughts turn to AL.
3.Expect to be sleepless for a while. Your body needs time to heal from the years of abuse. Take your Librium at bedtime to help you sleep provided you are NOT drinking.
4. Concentrate on what you will be gaining - not what you will be missing.
5. Life IS fun when you are sober!

Wishing you the best!

[jess]

Starting and Scared

This is my first time here and Im glad I read your stories, so like mine, I have a couple of glasses of wine and then later go onto Vodka, Im frightened to try and stop in case something happens to me with withdrawal symptoms, can anyone advise me of my first steps without involving doctors.

[sunbird]

Starting and Scared

:welcome:
Hi Warrior,

You have come to the right place for love and support, and when you ask for it, good advice.

I know how you feel, I felt the same way 14 days ago, but this is what I found helped.
I changed as many things in my daily routine as I could, and stuck close to this site.
Provided you have made a real decisdion, and that decision is for YOU, and not anyone else, there is enough support here to get you through the first week. and then on to the first 30 days. Good luck, and keep in touch.
Love,
Sunbird

[sunbird]

Starting and Scared

:welcome:
Hi Jess,

Depending on how much you consume, it can be dangerous to stop cold turkey. I did, but I had made a decision. That was 14 days ago. I have been ok, thank goodness.

You might want to start cutting down in a planned way, if your AL consumption is a lot. Lets see what the others say? Good luck.
Love,
Sunbird

[jess]

Starting and Scared

I have 2 glasses of wine (small) about 4 - 5 pm and then around 7, I start drinking Vodka, till I fall asleep, m not sure if its as much as half a bottle as I go walking after the wine, its probabaly less than half a bottle of Vodka, but I know its still too much, please help

[sunbird]

Starting and Scared

Hi Jess,

I have asked some of the more experienced members to help you. Hang in.
Love,
Sunbird

[Grim]

Starting and Scared

Hello Jess,

Welcome to MWO! It is so good that you have found this site!

As Sunbird says, quitting "cold turkey" can be dangerous, tapering down your intake may be a better idea in order to minimze the shock to your body. This may appear to be stating the obvious but keep your water intake up and take a look at the Meds section, there is a wealth of information on here.

I can honestly say that I felt exactly the same as you when I first came here, I was scared and apprehensive about this forum but it has proved to be a life saver.

There are some amazing success stories to be read on here and I really look forward to getting to know you, albeit from afar!

Take care Jess and don't forget that you are NOT alone in this.

[JackieClaire]

Starting and Scared

HI Jess and Warrior,
Welcome to you both.
Great place you've found here. Just keep reading the posts,ask lots of questions.
SHOUT if you need help.
Remember we're all in this together.

Wise words from Mr. G.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Jackie xxx

AF since 7/7/2009

[Jandal]

Starting and Scared

The wine!!! I have EXACTLY the same routine with the wine, EVERY night. When i go to the supermarket I make straight for the wine and kid myself that the bottle i buy will last all week, when in truth, I'm back the next day, or the one after that buying the next bottle. And I drink it all by myself. Thank god I haven't carried on to anything stronger but some nights the temptation to is very strong. I quit smoking 20 years ago when i wanted to but i am really struggling with quitting booze. I keep making excuses why don't need to even though i KNOW I'm better off without it.

[Muddle]

Starting and Scared

Jandal, I so relate to you about the wine. I was modding fairly well, but this black depression hit and for about two weeks, it has been a bottle a night. I did the same thing--bought a bottle or two to last the entire week, but of course it didn't. Would wake up in the morning and say, "I don't think I'll drink tonight" and then come home and say, "I'll have one glass" and then somehow the bottle is empty. I have not been drinking this heavily in over a year, and I'm not sure what happened, but I know i hate it and hate myself, so it has to stop NOW. Today is Day 2.

[Boss.man]

Starting and Scared

Warrior, I like that moniker. Best of luck. Keep us posted.

Jess, unless the amounts you drink are really high, or really often, I would recommend just stopping. The thing to watch out for are "brain zaps" in the second to fourth day. At my highest I was consuming about 15 units of liquor a day. It took a long time to lose that habit. But for me, just stopping never gave me any higher symptom than shaky hands. People here on the site will chat with you and help you through any thing you feel. For me, Det says, the biggest problem was to change the "routine" that I had developed over time. For me, I changed my bedtime to get rid of that extra "blank" time.

Maisie, I've been through a year process finding the more I quit, the more I became a binge drinker. It's like for every day I was "good", my bad side was just saving it all for a blowout moment. When I started I was relatively normal. After quitting alcohol for a while, I would suddenly find myself hitting the bottle at any hour, even leaving work in mid-morning to have a 9am cocktail (yech!) and a day at home. I've come to understand that is part of the mental process of unwinding the addiction. For me, researching and understanding the nature of addiction helped me come to terms with the "irrational" part of my brain that was responsible for the relapses. At least, I'm at terms today. One day at a time, which for me means I don't count days or set expectations for myself. I simply address each day as I get to it. My free stretches get longer and longer, and for me that is a genuine improvement in my life.

Success comes from inner commitment. If you truly resolve to quit, then the rest of the process will work itself out over time. But the best time to start is right now, because the sooner you start, the sooner you will leave the haze and depression that AL leaves you in.

[Jandal]

Starting and Scared

Maisie - yes, its been exactly like that for me too! And Boss.man - the same with the binge drinking! Last night was a classic example except i had been drinking every night of the week and then Friday night rolls around and bam - I'm sure I managed to knock back two bottles of wine on my own. I like your idea of getting a better understanding of addiction - i think the more i understand why i do what i do, i might be able to give myself a fighting chance.