A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

[LuckyMom]

It is 2am and I am not sleeping next to my husband like I should be but up with insomnia (or wine-somnia) once again. The worst part is that it is now my birthday and I am so ashamed that I just can seem to get ahold of my drinking. I've been trying to moderate - using supplements and the CDs seemed to help me cut down and reduce cravings, but after a few weeks, I've gotten back to the same place were I started. Drinking nearly (more than?) a bottle of wine between 6 and 8pm. This might not seem like a lot, but it destroys my quality of life. I will be exhausted and hung over tomorrow at the beach with my kids - what a way to celebrate my bday.

Once of the reasons I drink is to mask the pain of lonliness I feel. I have never felt like I can make friends easily and that I am always on the outside looking in. Pretty sad for someone my age...I thought is was something that I would outgrow but the emptiness continues. I don't know what it is that seems to drive people away but it make me sad and very lonely. Maybe this has something to do with being and adult child of an alcohololic but I can't blame this on my parents. I am not a kids any more! I wonder if therapy would help of if this is a life sentence of lonliness. Can anyone relate? I have a great hubby and beautiful kids, I have a handful of close friend that love me but don't live near me but I always feel left out of the local mom's circut. Pathetic but true...it really bums me out as I've really tired to make new friends over the last three years.

I am going to a concert/party on Saturday that I am anxious about - lot of the "in crowd" will be there and I want to stay sober and keep from embarassing myself. I've been drinking at home to avoid this b/c I can really make an ass of myself, talk too much, sucking the air out of the room, etc. I know I will have a better time if I can stick to water. This was successful last time I went to a party a few weeks ago. I felt so good the next day and want to feel the same again. Here is to trying.

Thanks for letting me share. I am feeling a little better and am going to try to get some sleep - listen to my cds - and hopefully salvage the day that lies ahead.

[DeeBee]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Happy Birthday LuckyMom!!
May today be filled with love and laughter.
I can relate to much of what you've said and my only advise is to get a solid plan together.
(((big hugs)))

[Gold]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Hi Luckymom,

I can relate to what you say about being on the outside looking in, as if from another planet, and I understand how lonely it is and many times I have wondered if I am invisible.

I tried hard to fit in around the school gates, and with our neighbours and all are nice people, but I never really got their way of socialising, or the in jokes and so on and initiating a conversation outside of what was generally talked about never really went anywhere. I came to realise that many of the things that are important to me are of little interest to many people caught up in the minutaie of every day life.

Now that I have been AF for 28 days (I would never have thought it possible) I can see things more clearly. I went out with a group last night and spent the evening talking to just one person because we are interested in things that most other people seem to dismiss as a bit unusual I guess. I found myself thinking how rude of me not to talk to the other people only one of which I had met before, but then I realised that I was quite bored and didn't really want to join in.

I'm starting to do different things and find ways to get out that I wouldn't have tried before, so that I can find interesting things to do and I hope that will bring interesting people with it. I think too that without the alcohol I will have the confidence to be myself and intiate conversations on topics that I find interesting without being concerned if it falls flat.

I've spent many many years trying to be like other people rather than being like myself. Maybe it's a little like that for you.

We feel a great pressure to conform especially when we have children. I think it is also difficult for anyone to really be themselves where alcohol is involved, particularly at parties, despite releasing inhibitions it still serves as a mask behind which people appear to be having fun and enjoying themselves.

It sounds as though you will be much happier at the concert/party on Saturday if you do not drink, and definitely the next day. You may find yourself a little bored with people drinking around you I know I do.

Something that really changed my outlook many years ago is Myers-Briggs My MBTI Personality Type - MBTI Basics, and a book about it Keirsey Temperament Website.

Have a wonderful birthday with your lovely family. I am sure you will find lots of people you can relate to here and find a way out of your loneliness.

:bday7:

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Lucky Mom, may I wish you a Happy Birthday.
I think many of us feel outsiders in so many things, I know I did. I wonder if this contributes to our abusing alcohol or because of it. I know it is not easy but my suggestion would be to forget about modderating for the time being and really try to get some AF days under your belt.
In my experience so many things improved in my life when I finally managed to do that. From my personal health, mind and body. My dark mood swings decreased hugely and as a direct result my relationships with people have improved an awful lot, not least of all those close to me. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and so much to gain imo.
Keep safe
KTAB

[AMELIA]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

WISHING YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCKYMOM!!

I can relate to your description of lonlieness. Absolutely.
I am now newly AF, so am beginning to feel better about myself and the possibilities of meeting new friends.
Only last week, the sober me made an effort to call in a say 'hello' to lady that works in the same industry as me. Followed it up with a quick email to say 'good to chat with you' and low and behold, yesterday she invited my partner and I out next week.

I think we tend to isolate ourselves as drinkers and it does take some time to build up our 'social confidence' again (without the booze).

Do go to the concert. Take some Calms Forte (or some other natural remedy), lay off the booze and have a great time. Tell everyone you are doing a detox.....

I have learnt that my behaviour sober is now so much more positive and proactive than it was when I was just 'thinking about drinking'. Get some help from supps or meds if you need to. Do whatever you have to, to make yourself feel better about yourself.

Over and above all that. Make sure you have a great day today. You have found this site, so you are taking steps in the right direction.....reasons to celebrate!! This is your day to feel special :l

[Guitarista]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Happy birthday Lucky M! Great to see you. Have a beautiful day, and take care of you!

[mario]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

:bday7: luckymum hope you have a great day,try and relax and enjoy. :goodjob:

[sunbird]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Hi and Happy Birthday,:bday6:

42 is far too young to feel so isolated, but, as you know, AL does that to all of us. I can recommend that you read "The Greatness Guide" by Robin Sharma. You will then be in a better position to examine your choices, and I think that taking on the challenge of going AL free for 30 days will empower you enormously.
Best of Luck, and keep posting, you are amoung friends that will support and accompany you on your journey.
Love,
Sunbird

[greeneyes]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

:bday7::day4::bday1::whee:

LuckyMom, you deserve to be happy. For today, evnision youself in your new AF life, happy and peaceful. And try your best to feel it and be it. You'll be amazed!

[Anjicia]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Happy birthday Luckymom.


:day5::day4::heartsnflowers:

[Elpis]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Hi Luckymom,

Alcohol is good at that isn’t it… isolating us. I get down on myself for being so isolated (and isolating my family) that I drank to ease the pain while the drink is contributing substantially to the isolation – a classic vicious circle. I have a great wife and kids so I really can’t complain there either. Still, we have our alcoholic brains and we don’t think like other people do, or rather our reward/punishment brain centers have their own agenda and that shapes our thoughts and actions.

I’ve been AF for two weeks now and this is what I have noticed thus far: club soda with lime tastes good in a social situation and watching other people get lit is amusing. My boys like to go to baseball games with me sober. My wife appreciates me washing dishes when I get home before she does (and I can reap the benefits of said appreciation ;-). I invited a friend to come over Sunday because I know I will be sober. I went to the library yesterday evening and got three books on art; I took one of my boys too and he got some books. I’ve ran errands that would have been impossible before. My wife is just starting to hope and God I do not want to disappoint… again.

All of these benefits of sobriety and do I still want to drink? Yep! The lizard brain (I borrowed that term from someone else here because it is so true) wants booze but I don’t work for the lizard anymore. The lizard still has a grip on me but it is weakening with each day I remain sober.

I will pray for you and you do the same for me. Together we WILL recover.

E-

[dancelot]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

HAPPY B-DAY LUCKY MOM!!!!

I can definitely relate to the isolated feelings you're having. I am by nature very shy and used AL in social settings as well as drinking alone at home. I'm 12 days into being AF and feeling so much better every day, as well as dealing with even major disruptions in a much more positive fashion.

Even before I stopped alcohol I had been trying to take steps to get out my isolation, such as doing things I enjoy, or going to places or events I wanted to, even if it meant going alone (scary, I know). Eventually you start to meet people that have similar interests, and friendships are born. One thing I love is live music, and I took the huge step last weekend of walking stone cold sober, alone, into a club and ordering a Diet Dr. Pepper and having a fabulous time. Yay, I didn't rely on taking my ex along, or rely on my old buddy AL!

Have a great time a your event, have a ginger ale, watch how the drinking folk really behave, and consider trying for the 30 day ABS.

Anyway, have a wonderful birthday, and my thoughts are with you.

Much Love!!!:bday7:

[SKendall]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Happy Birthday!!

[warrior22]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Lucky Mom I Relate

Your note really touched a chord with me--the sense of always trying to make friends and never quite knowing how, feeling like I 'm not fitting in. That became part of my excuse to drink--maybe if I'm more relaxed I"ll be more likable; and if no one wants to be my friend, the heck with them all, I'll just get drunk! In the last few years, I've become resigned to the fact that close friendships just aren't in the cards for me. Now I've gotten to the point where I avoid what should be pretty easy social situations. E.g. several of the neighbors, who really are quite nice and friendly, often gather on one anothers' front porches in the evening to chat. I know I'd be welcome to join, as I have done in the past. Yet more often than not, I choose to stay at home and drink.

I am now ONE DAY AF!!! One of my hopes is that with more days AF my mood improves, and my confidence improves, and I'll take those "easy" opportunities to socialize more often, rather than continue to isolate myself. I don't know how my life-long struggle to connect with people relates to my alcohol use, but I know that I can't use that as an excuse to continue to drink myself to death. I may not fix the loneliness, but I can at least try to fix the drinking problem.

Good luck!!!

[LuckyMom]

A Happy Birthday? - 42 and lonely

Huge thanks!

I am completely awestruck and touched by all or your thoughtful and loving posts on my situation. You've all helped make this day - what I hope will be - a turning point in my life. Instead of feeling depressed, alone and full of self-loathing, I feel new courage, strength and hope from your advice, suggestions and compassionate words. This has turned out to be a very special birthday after all thanks to your big hearts.

Elpis - I am going to save your post on the joys that have materialized in your life by keeping AL out of it. It brought tears to my eyes on how significant the changes are to the quality of your life and to your families!!! What a selfish thing we do to the people who love is and need us when we abuse AL (or let it abuse us). My birthday drink will be a soda with lime tonight and I will hug my kids extra hard before bedtime.

For all who bared their souls about being lonely and not fitting in, I read your posts thinking what a waste of time it is to feel lonely. Just look at all the support here on this fantastic site! I hate to be going through this but it beats not making progress - alone. I am glad to connect with you and hope to be here for you as you were today for me.

With love, hugs and enormous gratutite,
The now happy b-day girl, LM