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**tlrgs** · August 24, 2009, 06:18 PM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

i would say no drinky and hey you need to ask yourself one thing... who are you doing this for .. them or for you and i would say the best thing is to do... is its for you ...

**Cathy40** · August 24, 2009, 06:36 PM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Adi, first of all :goodjob: on staying AF! The way I see it, when you were drinking yourself into oblivion, you didn't care about the mess...it was still there, you just didn't see it. Now put the same effort into remaining AF and ignoring the mess as you did into drinking and ignoring the mess. The one thing different will be that you will be AF, and that has got to be positive! If you've been drinking heavily for a while, and decide to stop, but then start complaining about the mess that you ignored for so long, your wife might be a bit put out at that. The mess can be sorted out in time, you need to get sorted out now! And your children do notice things..they just don't tell you, and the longer you go on drinking, the more they will notice, because like you said, they do get older, and stay up later. Stay strong, stay AF, and all the messes will get sorted out!

**peacenik** · August 24, 2009, 10:10 PM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

agreed!

**adi** · August 25, 2009, 01:59 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Thanks all. I think I have have to be selfish to reap the long term benefits.
I do tell myself I'm no good to the kids dead, but I guess you all know how I feel.

I am currently buidding for an old project sailing boat, that will keep me busy working on it in the garage every night. And checking on here of course.

thanks,
Andrew

**hippie37** · August 25, 2009, 03:02 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Hi Andrew. Like a typical addict I want everything NOW; not next year, month, week, tomorrow......NOW! For years I've been self centered, how could I not be when all's that mattered to me was getting that drink. I'd like to tell myself differently but if you had put a drink in front of me a year ago and asked me to choose between that or spending time with my daughter I'd definitely choose the drink first every time. It takes time and effort to cultivate an awareness of how selfish, controlling, manipulating and self righteous we can be whilst we are drinking. So give yourself a break and don't look at this like you are being selfish. It's what's needed to be done in order for you and your family to reap the long term benefits as you rightly say. I stopped drinking for my daughter because I felt I was a failure as a father and believe me I spent 2 years constantly relapsing about every 3 months or so. IT NEVER WORKED. I stopped drinking this time for myself first and foremost and I actually believe today that I am not just a dry drunk, as I was in the past, but a man in recovery. I was 7 months on Sunday and that is a miracle because I didn't know how to live my life without drink or drugs for over 20 years. Yes it's scary at times and I'm not afraid to admit it but I'd rather face this fear and have the courage to move forwards in my life than go back to the life of active addiction and be locked up THAT fear. Alcohol is the easy way out and I've took that option nearly everytime. It only leads to more pain and suffering after that temporary release we get from our thoughts and feelings.

Peace and Love
Phil
xx

**mario** · August 25, 2009, 03:19 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

hippie37;701116 wrote: Hi Andrew. Like a typical addict I want everything NOW; not next year, month, week, tomorrow......NOW! For years I've been self centered, how could I not be when all's that mattered to me was getting that drink. I'd like to tell myself differently but if you had put a drink in front of me a year ago and asked me to choose between that or spending time with my daughter I'd definitely choose the drink first every time. It takes time and effort to cultivate an awareness of how selfish, controlling, manipulating and self righteous we can be whilst we are drinking. So give yourself a break and don't look at this like you are being selfish. It's what's needed to be done in order for you and your family to reap the long term benefits as you rightly say. I stopped drinking for my daughter because I felt I was a failure as a father and believe me I spent 2 years constantly relapsing about every 3 months or so. IT NEVER WORKED. I stopped drinking this time for myself first and foremost and I actually believe today that I am not just a dry drunk, as I was in the past, but a man in recovery. I was 7 months on Sunday and that is a miracle because I didn't know how to live my life without drink or drugs for over 20 years. Yes it's scary at times and I'm not afraid to admit it but I'd rather face this fear and have the courage to move forwards in my life than go back to the life of active addiction and be locked up THAT fear. Alcohol is the easy way out and I've took that option nearly everytime. It only leads to more pain and suffering after that temporary release we get from our thoughts and feelings.

Peace and Love
Phil
xx

great post and answer phil

,your post is putting a lot of things back into perspective for me:thanks:

**mebill** · August 25, 2009, 04:23 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Adi,

Little things tend to make me want to drink also. For me at least, it never helps, not me, not the situation. I must admit, I have a bit of the same problem with my partner being "basically a slob". I've even gone as far as taking all the dirty dishes he left building up on the counter and threw the whole kit and kabodal into the garbage can. At least for that one time, that seemed to get the point across. LOL!

Do yourself a favor, don't drink over it!

Bill

**Sunbeam** · August 25, 2009, 04:42 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Adi,
There are many conversations here about how the relationship with your spouse changes after alcohol is out of the picture. Your wife has adjusted to the drinking you, and now she will need to change. She does prefer you alive and not alcoholic, though I Know nothing about your relationship. Maybe you could find a way to help with the "mess": probably you did not create it, but is there something you could do to help orgaiize it? A boundary perhaps?

**Cinders** · August 25, 2009, 04:53 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Bill,

I am going to take a completely different tack.

If the mess bothers you, get up and help clean it up. It will keep you busy, if somewhat irritated that you are having to do it, but it will also show the kids what they should be doing.

My kids always cleaned up their messes if I walked into the room and started the process. Once going, it is easy. Usually, they ended up doing it mostly by themselves.

Remember, your wife has been caregiving those kids 24/7 and you've been locked in an office drunk. I am sure she could use a break, too.

Oh, and if you and the kiddos clean up, chances are really good she'll join in.

Hipster is dead on, you have to sober up for you. If your idea of living is to drink to make irritations disappear in a haze of drunk, you are going to have a difficult time sobering up. I am not casting stones, all of us here have that issue, we drink rather than live. Today, I live.

Somedays I do get irritated as hell, some days angry, some days happy as can be, and some days just go by. But, I get to live through each and everyone of them.

I love it.

Cindi

**sunshine_gg** · August 25, 2009, 08:43 AM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Drinking is NOT an option!

Excellent thoughts and answers here! I really can't add much to it. Just... NO! No drinking.

**TakeHeart** · August 25, 2009, 03:45 PM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Great thread. Thanks for posting.

**Elpis** · August 26, 2009, 03:11 PM

To drink, or not to drink, that is the question

Hi Adi,

I sort of know what you mean. I have been sober almost a month now and I am starting to recall, or rather notice, some of the things about my spouse that I don’t like and the booze made me forget about – or at least ignore. I am trying to remind myself that she adjusted to life with me passed out by about 9 PM on weekdays and sooner than that on weekends. She adjusted to having to get me to do everything that I needed to do in the brief time that I was both home and sober. She adjusted to my mood swings. Lots of adjustments. I think that the main way I adjusted to her “ways” was with alcohol (I would have been an alcoholic regardless). Now that I am sober I am starting to get irritated again in that her fundamental behaviors are no different than they were 15 years ago when I first climbed into the bottle big time. I keep reminding myself of her sacrifices… still, it hasn’t been a picknick for me either.

Well, I have no solutions either – you are just validating me and I you. I wish us both luck as we adjust. We both no that the one thing which WILL NOT help is alcohol.

E-

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