Strange emotions

[Elpis]

Ohmygosh! Someone my wife works with got married this past weekend so we had to go to the wedding. My fear at the wedding was dying of boredom (note to self, if I ever do this again, DON'Tgive a minister a pulpit AND thirty minutes). My next big fear ? and a more realistic one ? was the open bar which I knew would be present.

Sure enough, my alcoholic dream buffet: an open bar that was open the whole evening. This is the second time I?ve been faced with this situation since I got on the wagon a little over three weeks ago. The first time I was still on Librium so that wasn?t much of a challenge but this time was different. It?s just me and the booze ? well me and my sidekick naloxone. I looked over at the bar area and the two bartenders reminded me of Las Vegas dealers; the bar was like a blackjack table. ?Come on over and try your luck? they seemed to say to me. They were certainly dealing out lots of hands to lots of people. ?Who else here is an alcoholic? I wondered to myself. I tried to spot the alcoholics, to read faces, to look for signs, but no luck. Some were drinking alcohol, some were not; some were drunk, some were not; some sucked on the bar like a nursing calf, some did not. Basically it was a microcosm of the world in which we all live.

It?s hard to explain but resisting the open bar was both easy and difficult ? does anyone know what I mean by this? I am not sure I know how to put the feeling into words. Not ordering a drink was easy but missing the social lubricant was hard. Soda and lime tastes fine but I miss the lack of a buzz. I am proud of resisting temptation but I am jealous that they can drink and I can?t. I am proud to have been granted the ability to resist but I am unhappy that no one appreciates my struggle. I know very well the long-term benefits of abstinence, thus delayed gratification is not a problem, unless I don?t get what I want quickly.

The wedding is history now and I didn't drink, which is the important thing, but what a curious mix of emotions. It is interesting to ?watch? my lizard brain interact with my human brain yet I feel the need to understand these feelings rather than just react to them. Just talking helps me to sort them but I welcome any insights you all may have.

E-

[GunRunner]

Strange emotions

Very well said brother! It's like your reading my mind. I feel the same things. I think all those same thoughts. Why can't I just have one drink and be happy? I've never been able to do that. I am continually amazed at how all of our (alcoholics) brains work alike. It's just something we all have to live with. Keep up the fight. You made it, so good job to you!

[Lavande]

Strange emotions

Wow Elpis,
Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, good for you!
Other peope really are boring, aren't they when you've had no booze
Keep up the great work.

[dancelot]

Strange emotions

Congrats on avoiding AL, no matter what your emotions. The past times I've fallen off the wagon, I think I can have and usually have only one, it's just the next day I think I can have one, then two, until by the end of the week I'm back to 4,5.6..... It's like watching a really surreal movie to me, being sober in a group of drinkers.

Speaking of lizard brain (I call it my reptile brain, but I know what you mean), this weekend I opened the refridgerator and saw my roommate's freshly opened 24 oz Red Stripe (a very dear old friend), looking like a god of a beer bottle compared to the 12oz. I noticed the foam on the inside of the bottle where he'd poured some, the logo, the bottle looking ice cold...... and I actually started salivating.
I feel like I'm writing porn for alcoholics even admitting this!

I find it amazing the things that trigger the drinking urge, as I've been very cautious about avoiding them. We can all learn from each other here, and that's definitely a positive.

[Elpis]

Strange emotions

dancelot;705905 wrote: Speaking of lizard brain (I call it my reptile brain, but I know what you mean), this weekend I opened the refridgerator and saw my roommate's freshly opened 24 oz Red Stripe (a very dear old friend), looking like a god of a beer bottle compared to the 12oz. I noticed the foam on the inside of the bottle where he'd poured some, the logo, the bottle looking ice cold...... and I actually started salivating.
I feel like I'm writing porn for alcoholics even admitting this!

Porn - what a great analogy! That is kind of what it's like.

E-

[Jandal]

Strange emotions

Elpis;705747 wrote: I am proud of resisting temptation but I am jealous that they can drink and I can?t. I am proud to have been granted the ability to resist but I am unhappy that no one appreciates my struggle.

I hear what you're saying Elpis but I can say that I do appreciate your struggle. And when you go AF at these sorts of functions, keep that at the back of your mind cos every time you do resist there are those of us here who punch the air and think you're awesome - cos when you do that it gives us hope we can do it too.

I also love your analogy of the open bar looking like a blackjack table. I have a function to go to this weekend with an open bar so now I have your picture to keep in my mind which will make it a lot easier for me to turn away from it. Thanks for that!

[Elpis]

Strange emotions

Jandal;706482 wrote: I hear what you're saying Elpis but I can say that I do appreciate your struggle. And when you go AF at these sorts of functions, keep that at the back of your mind cos every time you do resist there are those of us here who punch the air and think you're awesome - cos when you do that it gives us hope we can do it too.

I also love your analogy of the open bar looking like a blackjack table. I have a function to go to this weekend with an open bar so now I have your picture to keep in my mind which will make it a lot easier for me to turn away from it. Thanks for that!

Thanks Jandal. If someone is helped then I have made a positive impact on this world and that makes up for a lot of my sins. I believe in Karma.

E-

[ChickenNumber3]

Strange emotions

Elpis!
your analogy of the bar/scene made me think of a gun-slinger in a Western Bar! Their you go then...you are the hero!!!!!You beat him fair and square!
Chicken

[work in progress]

Strange emotions

well done

Elpis, it's great that you were able to resist. I know the feeling you're describing. I've just gotten back to MWO after a 2 year hiatis. I remember a little over 2 years ago going to a wedding and 3 extended family get togethers within a year.

Not only an open bar at the wedding, but a champagne fountain and an iced vodka bar on an actual ice sculpture (ridiculously extravagant) The fountain and the ice looked liked glimmering crystal and diamonds reflecting light. So seductive. I fortunately stuck with the food. But I'll never forget how beautiful it was.

My family tends to drink alot at these occasions and they basically stand or sit around an open bar the whole time, unless the food is being served. An occasion like this can last 6-7 hours, so there's alot of drinking. I didn't drink but took the opportunity to observe everyone else. How sloppy some would get, how talkative (I wonder how many remember what they talked about) Was I like that a couple of years ago? I'm sure I was but didn't notice because everyone was the same. It was at times like watching a movie and not really being there because I was just observing peopeles' behavior.

[one2many]

Strange emotions

Elpis, you write very well...

Well Done on resisting and I do understand the hard yet easy feeling...but it does get easier...honestly.

[Elpis]

Strange emotions

one2many;707037 wrote: Elpis, you write very well...

Well Done on resisting and I do understand the hard yet easy feeling...but it does get easier...honestly.

Thank you for the writing compliment. I typically put a lot of thought into what I write.

Oh thank you for the encouragement. I do pray it gets easier. I try to remind myself that it took at least a year for me to get over the cigarettes.

E-