The real me...

[Just4Today]

Here I am. The only place that I feel safe to acknowledge what has really got me.
I have come so far. In both ways. Without and With AL. 4, 5, 6, 7, days without AL. And on the days I do, I sneak it, hide it in the closet, drink it as fast as possible when no ones looking, long for it when I have to pretend I am not longing for it, urinate in my bed (over and over again).
OOOOHHH, I am the great pretender. I love the phasad (sp?). I love to call other people out on theirs and get frustrated about them and their situation.
I have no doubt that I am a good person, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.
I am.
But I have a horrible secret.
They all know it. They see it. I am not a closet drinker once I start. So they have all seen me. My husband the most. But when I want to hide it. I CAN HIDE. It. AND me.
I can pretend no matter what, that I have everything under control.
Except my drinking. When I don't drink, I have it under control. The second I have a drink.... I have no control

[Wally22]

The real me...

Welcome Just4Today.
You will find lots of support here, if you are looking to get out of the closet. Newbie's Nest is a nice warm place to start.
What are your goals. Are you planning on going AF? Keep posting.

[beagle]

The real me...

J4T : what a quandry you must be in.
Stand in front of the mirror,look at yourself. I do, I don't like it, but there's no denial once you face up to yourself. Your secrecy,your facade - I know what you mean as I still wear my masks every day.
Have you tried the help of cd's/book from here? I am awaiting mine eagerly. To start the battle fully armed,so to speak.
In the Monthly Abst thread,up the top is a thread called tools.I printed it out & highlighted sections of it. Please read it as it absolutely hits the nail on the head (for me anyway).
Don't just wish & hope this will go away,get armed,educated,wise,knowledgeable.
Start the fight with a full contingent.
As Wally said,keep posting.
& you know what? opening my eyes,ears & mind to what people have written on here has been immensely helpful.
Good luck J4T. Get positive.

[Guitarista]

The real me...

Hi Just 4, and a big welcome to you.
I hope you stick around, and do lot's of reading here. You will see yourself in many other's posts/stories, and there is lot's to be learnt about ourselves, and how we are going to deal with this. A good start, is to get yourself a solid plan together, to tackle this.
Nice to see you here, and best wishes on your journey.

[LilBit]

The real me...

Welcome Just 4. Here's a thought -- since so much of this is secretive, why not make your plan to kick the "beast" a secret, too (except for here of course, where you'll get support)? Sometimes a secret plan has a lot of power.

At any rate, how ever you choose to proceed, I wish you all the best with it. Life can be so much better without all the shame and loss of control. Good luck!

[Lavande]

The real me...

Hi Just4,

Welcome, glad you're here!
I have no doubt either that you are a good person, wife, mother, daughter, sister & friend - so was I but you really don't believe it when AL is controlling your life, do you?
Take back control now, you can do it! Don't let yourself feel like this any longer.
Download & read the MWO book and make a good plan for yourself. I highly recommend using the Hypno CDs, they really helped me stick to my commitment to quit!
As the others mentioned, stay close, do a lot of reading and use the Toolbox (in the Monthy Abstinence section) to help you make your plan. Please feel free to join us on the 'Newbies Nest' thread, lots of folks there just getting started as well

Wishing you the very best!
Lav

[redhibiscus]

The real me...

Hope you realize how courageous it was for you to post your secret. That is the first step in your recovery and it takes so much strength to admit that alcohol is controlling your life. You sound like a wonderful person with so many positive roles to play and alcohol is preventing you from being the person you want to be and know you can be.

All of us here hate our use of alcohol. Whether we label ourselves alcoholics or problem drinkers doesn't matter. What does matter is that we want change and freedom. Get all the information you can on this site and any way you can. Set small goals and before you know it you will start to realize that life AF is so much better.
Good Luck.

[My New Beginning]

The real me...

Welcome Just 4Today:welcome:
You are a strong, determined person to come here for help. This place and people are the best ever. My advice to you: Focus on one day at a time only. That's it....it's all we really have, anyway. My best to you on this difficult but very rewarding journey.:huggy