Venting

[dma]

I feel like a waste of biological functions. I feel insane because I have to suppress emotions that I feel so strongly. I'm bipolar. Most of the time I feel sad and then my mood flares unreasonably and I eventually crash. My main job in my daily life is to act composed. I feel like crying a lot but I can't even do it at home, afraid people will think I'm an attention seeker (worst possible thing anyone can think of me because I caved in to what everyone lives through then made it somebody else's issue).

At rehab they taught us not to seek happiness from people, places or things. I withdraw a lot. I listen to music for long hours to soothe me and I'm online several hours a day to distract my mind. I smoke marijuana and it brings that spurious feeling of contentedness that doesn't last too long. I watch emotional movies probably to allow myself to wallow. I stay up late at night after everyone's slept so I can allow myself to feel what it is I feel then sleep longer than I need to in order to delay the feeling of emptiness when I wake up.

I feel shame for pitying myself and that makes it worse. I put on masks in public and act detached and haughty when what I really want is to cry in someone's arms. But then that's temporary as well. Antidepressants help but I never feel like I'm at 100%.

In my hypomanic phases I get very excited over nothing and I have to conceal that too. I'm ashamed of being euphoric because I know how ugly I am on the inside.

I attempted suicide twice in two years and sometimes I fantasize about death. I don't have the resolve to kill myself but I have fantasies of being shot down or dying in an accident. At extreme times I think about hanging, slashing my neck or stabbing myself repeatedly in my heart since those methods are less likely to fail. But those are just fantasies.

Sometimes even when I'm not going through any crisis I wish that my suicide attempts had worked. I'm constantly frazzled and that interferes with everything I have to do. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do.

The promise of serenity was alluring in rehab but at the back of my mind I knew alcohol was just an excuse to act out. When I stopped drinking is when the depression really hit me. I am such a piece of work.

[puddytat]

Venting

OMG. Bi-polar disorder is a devastating condition. You're up and down on a roller-coaster you don't choose to be on. And you feel guilty during the euphoria, too? A dear friend of mine suffers from Bipolar Disorder. Medications help her tremendously.

You're a good person, with a dual-diagnosis. Medicating with alcohol. Are you on any other medication? Are you able to obtain appropriate monitoring and care? You're in a difficult spot, and as a "dual-d" the promises of sobriety as quite as compelling. But truth be told, it's better be off the alcohol and getting appropriate treatment for your condition. As you know: you're in medical school.

[Muddle]

Venting

I have no answers, but I just want you to know you are not alone. I've had just plain, garden variety, clinical depression since I was a child. I used to envy the bipolar people the "manic, euphoric" part, although I know now that it isn't quite that simple. I've used sad movies to wallow and hidden from everyone, too. Alcohol is a way to self-medicate, but it doesn't work for long and then just adds one more problem. I relate so much to what you say about wishing sometimes the suicide attempts had worked. I used to (still do sometimes) fantasize about dying and the pain being over, but like you said, it is only fantasy and I know rationally a symptom of the depression. There is a quote that used to comfort me in a twisted way about someone whose fantasy was to wake up in a hospital and hear the words "she's not going to make it." But I know it wouldn't be fair for me to relieve my pain at the expense of the feelings of others that would be hurt by my actions. Coming here and listening to the wisdom of those who have been through so much of this is so important to me. Hang in there, dma. YOU ARE NOT A WASTE!!

[dma]

Venting

@Puddytat - I tried to give up alky in April and for the most part it's working, had a few slips though. I'm on mood stabilizers as well and sleeping pills occasionally. I see my shrink like every two months for a prescription, tried therapy at some point but it was too painful. I was first diagnosed with major depression and my parents didn't see the sense in couselling if it made me worse. Medical school didn't work out with the alcohol and stuff. I keep a journal and try to work through my feelings. My fear of therapy is that I'll walk around crying after sessions. Thanks

@ Maisie - Mania seems like the fun part of bipolar and it must be said that sometimes it is. The problem is that I'm always aware of the imminent crash... self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't say how much it helps to have someone understand suicidal ideation because they've gone through it. Thanks

[~iirene~]

Venting

dma. what an interesting username. ??
Vent on, you sound brilliant.
Why are you so hard on YOU?
You must be young, with piercings and so forth?
Ugly, wow, that is a profound word to say of yourself?
Are you a professional writer?
I am amazed by your entrance.

[puddytat]

Venting

I fantasize about suicide daily, dma. if it helps you to know that. uni-polar, like Maisie. Maisie, that was such an honest post. thank you for sharing -- it's heavy stuff.

dma, crying can be very cleansing. I hear that you're frightened of therapy and the torrent of tears. it might be healing to let the tears come. I pray the mood stabilizers work better for you as time goes on. You sound like a great person -- please try to see that even through the depression.

[christyacc]

Venting

(((((dma)))))

[Angelcakes]

Venting

:l dma.
Human beings can be so complex huh?

xo