Day 1

[spun]

I'm new here and starting on day 1 sober. I've been a drinker for the past 20 years and have been progressively getting worse. It's not unusual for me to have no dry nights in a week and up to two - two and a half bottles of wine at a time. I have been driving whilst drunk, putting others at risk and opening me up for the possibility of doing something terrible to someone or myself or winding up in jail. I have a 13 year old who has seen me trash myself since she can remember and I don't want to lose her. I can't.

I've been gambling and making poor decisions. I had to send my daughter off to a fair today with no money because i blew it all on Friday night at the pub.

I'm terrified of drinking again, I can't control myself and don't trust myself at all. I do things I would not ever consider when under the influence. I feel so afraid to quit as I don't know what life without alcohol is like. I don't know who I'll be.

I have had severe depression and was on Zoloft for about 8 months during which time I really lost the plot and was drinking very heavily. This also started the gambling and driving while drunk - things I had not done prior to taking Zoloft. I took myself off the meds but am still acting on stupid habits like I did when on it.

The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I can't let my beautiful girl see me this way anymore. Can anyone help please? I'm feeling pretty out there and unsure of weather I can do this. I know I have to or I'll end up hurting someone else, dead or in jail.

[Popeye]

Day 1

Hi spun, and welcome.
I know you may think that it's easy to say, but you can do this.
I was a drunk for many years and have managed to quit for a while and turn a chaotic mess into a life of relative peace and order. My children grew up seeing me drunk more nights than not but my grandchildren never have, and never will.
It can be a long road, but the fear of setback diminishes with every day that passes and old habits are replaced with new and better ones. Staying sober isn't the answer to all of our problems, but it makes dealing with them so much easier.
I hope that you find what you need here.

[Determinator]

Day 1

yes Spun, yes you most assuredly can.

[tawnywitch]

Day 1

morning Spun,you can do this everyone here is with you,I have been drinking for about 10 year's, up to 1 bottle of wine a night,plus script painkiller's,and over the counter sleeping pill's to enhance the booze, I am cutting right down and am going to try the Octobeer challange, I have to, liver problem's now, go to the ODAT thread, and take it 1 minute ata a time if you need to , come and read the post's on here and post as many as you like ,you can alway's go to live chat too,be strong, it's hard but so worth it, think of your daughter, love and hug's, Tawny

[spun]

Day 1

Thank you everyone. I'm scared but strangely optimistic (which is not the usual for me - the optimism that is). I've been pretty much fighting off the panic today and doing an OK job of it. I fell asleep for a few hours, even though it was the middle of the day. I guess everything just went into shut-down for a bit, which may not be such a bad thing.

I'm doing the distraction thing to keep my mind off the panic attack that is waiting around the corner ... have done washing, made something to eat, watched a daggy old film I loved as a kid. Anything to not allow my mind to fall down that dark hole and consume me with awful thoughts.

Sheri you mentioned "the fear of having another drink is what keeps me grounded in my sobriety and for that I am very grateful." I hope to see things this way in time also. I want time to speed up so I have a good month under my belt with no grog and can have that switch that I've read people write about on here well and truly flicked. I know there's no magic bullet, but man it would be nice to wake up tomorrow and KNOW with every part of me that I will never feel the want or need to drink to excess again.

Popeye mentioned that "the fear of setback diminishes with every day that passes and old habits are replaced with new and better ones" - I hope to live by these words and see them come true for me.

Determinator is of course right also - yes, I can do this and making the decision is the beginning.

Tawny, mixing meds and alcohol is a nasty business and leads to major woe both physically and mentally. I feel ya there and hold a lot of regrets from that time. I'd love to do the October challenge too. My birthday is in October and what better present than to start my 34th year clean?

Again, thank you to everyone for your wise words and caring.

[mario]

Day 1

just like to say hi and :welcome: spun,great community here :goodjob:

[spun]

Day 1

Thanks Mario. Just being around and viewing everyone's posts is helping me to feel more centered and positive about what is to come.

[redhibiscus]

Day 1

:welcome:Spun,
This site is a great place to work on getting sober, because it is work. I have been drinking for over 30 years, with the last five being exceptionally horrible. I am telling you that as you create a plan and get more sober time, your daughter will notice and be so proud of you. I know that my daughter, although an adult, notices that I don't drink around her and is comfortable with it.

The tool box thread, the first thread under monthly abstinence category, was ever so helpful to me to help me plan what to do. After all, most every evening was spent with wine and I had to relearn how to fill my time. For me this has been a process, not instant success. Good luck to you and do not hesitate to ask for whatever you need. At first, I found the MWO book, supplements, and CDs necessary to help me start on this lifechanging journey. Maybe this would help you too.

[spun]

Day 1

Thanks Red

You must be very proud of yourself after such a long time drinking to be able to abstain and allow your daughter to see the real you. I am aiming for the same.

I spent quite a few hours on the site last night reading and found the toolbox thread. Great advice in there. I also stumbled across a site called SMART with a toolbox that has some worksheets that I'll be filling in also.

I'm starting Day 2 and feel pretty abysmal. Like I'm getting a flu. Must go to work and unfortunately have to work the front desk in shifts as we are understaffed at this time. I get dragged from my cushy place behind a computer to have to deal with real people! Needless to say I'm not looking forward to the next few days of it, but perhaps it's a blessing to keep my mind off booze. Must avoid the trip to the bottle shop at all costs on the way home.

:S

[spun]

Day 1

Hi Sheri - thanks! So tired and had a real dilemma when I went to the store tonight after work to buy ingredients for a little Greek salad/lamb feast. I wrestled with my brain the entire time I was in the store NOT TO BUY WINE on the way out. I sabotaged that part of my brain by spending the full amount of money I had on me on the food for our meal and some flavoured mineral waters.

I actually cried when I got back to the car, threw a little tantrum actually "why can't I just have a couple of wines with a nice meal like most folks can?" Felt cheated and then frustrated and a bit pathetic for even having to have such a ridiculous argument with myself. This is going to be hard work.

My plan so far consists of:

1. Aiming for 30 days alcohol free and hoping that I see the light within that time to break my habit of dependence.

2. Avoiding my best mate on the phone until I'm feeling less vulnerable and able to control my cravings a little better. She lives interstate and we talk quite often but she has a big problem with booze too that she is not ready to address, despite having just been to rehab. I talked to her tonight and it made me feel awful, she was slurring and I could tell she wasn't listening to me and only interested in having someone on the other end of the phone. That hurt as I feel this is really important, and as much as I want to be there for her, I don't have it in me right now to support her if she won't steer clear of alcohol even for a little bit. (Guilt to the max for that selfishness)

3. Not taking out any large amounts of cash to avoid going to the pub

4. Taking B vitamins and a homeopathic craving spray - but that aint workin!

5. Watching a crapload of movies to distract my ridiculous brain from carrying on like a two bob watch. I'm sure I'll have my local DVD provider all dried up by the end of October.

6. Mildly panicking about the weekend as that'll be the danger time. Friday night. Thinking I might buy some Friday night tickets to the cinema for my daughter and I.

Thanks again for your support. I'm off to watch a whole bunch of movies, snuggle in my bed with my gorgeous daughter by my side and try and keep my mind off the cravings.

[Mstall]

Day 1

Dont worry about the weekend till it gets here. Work on it one day at a time. You may surprise yourself at how good you feel by Friday

oh and :welcome: spun!

[spun]

Day 1

Thanks Mstall. Great advice.

I'd like to hope I feel better by then but to be completely honest I feel like death warmed up. I woke up this morning and felt sore and nauseous and just plain shite.

I did drink a hell of a lot on Friday/Saturday, pretty much continuously. All up would have been around 4 bottles on an overnight bender and with all the drugs the docs had going into me from my recent wisdom tooth removal saga (heavy antibiotics, codeine and endone) I'm sure my liver is NOT thanking me at all.

Feeling pretty woeful and wish my post was more upbeat to start in on day 3. Battling the bottle shop banshee on the way home again is something I'm not looking forward to. This sucks.

:sulk: