Depression's a bitch and sometimes the world just pushes you to the limit. I'm bipolar and it gets really tumultuous sometimes. It's all crazy. Sometimes I want to yell and lash out at people. I feel like they think I'm a pushover.
I used to act out of anger and that resulted in two suicide attempts. After the second one failed, I felt very stupid. I made an effort to always keep quiet when upset. Eventually I realized I could live for alcohol. I'd drink and put up with depression. I became less abrasive but I was just bottling up emotions.
For a long time I never even thought about the suicide attempts. I avoided the issue knowing full well that I needed to deal with my suicidal feelings in order to prevent another attempt or death. Then recently small issues have been piling up and last night I decided to write a pretend suicide note. I wanted to see where my mind was, how insane I'd sound to the world.
I evidently didn't have my faculties around me at the time. My thoughts were disjointed, yet what I wrote down was what I truly felt. I have issues no matter how much some people around me deny it. They probably deny it because they like who I am right now, compliant and a pushover.
I feel really angry right now and I'm scared. If I was to get into a confrontation in this state and someone was to hit the wrong button, I'd lose it and go crazy for a while. That's what happened with the suicide attempts. I get into these states of hysterical anger and put myself in harm's way. Then when this phase is over I feel extremely stupid and hate myself even more.
Sometimes I wish I'd succeeded before, because it feels like I'm just prolonging my death.
I used to act out of anger and that resulted in two suicide attempts. After the second one failed, I felt very stupid. I made an effort to always keep quiet when upset. Eventually I realized I could live for alcohol. I'd drink and put up with depression. I became less abrasive but I was just bottling up emotions.
For a long time I never even thought about the suicide attempts. I avoided the issue knowing full well that I needed to deal with my suicidal feelings in order to prevent another attempt or death. Then recently small issues have been piling up and last night I decided to write a pretend suicide note. I wanted to see where my mind was, how insane I'd sound to the world.
I evidently didn't have my faculties around me at the time. My thoughts were disjointed, yet what I wrote down was what I truly felt. I have issues no matter how much some people around me deny it. They probably deny it because they like who I am right now, compliant and a pushover.
I feel really angry right now and I'm scared. If I was to get into a confrontation in this state and someone was to hit the wrong button, I'd lose it and go crazy for a while. That's what happened with the suicide attempts. I get into these states of hysterical anger and put myself in harm's way. Then when this phase is over I feel extremely stupid and hate myself even more.
Sometimes I wish I'd succeeded before, because it feels like I'm just prolonging my death.
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