Operation October - week three

[Peanut]

Operation October - week three

Hey Dill - I also won my battle tonight - no wine in the house so off to bed with me, totally sober and very tired. Hope all you sleepy-heads have a peaceful rest tonight. Talk to you all tomorrow.
xoxo peanut

[FindingMyself]

Operation October - week three

Hi gang!

Lil, I am hanging in there!

Peanut, not sure I’d have had the nerve to catch that poor little critter. I do love animals, but there IS something about the tail of a rat that is less than appealing.

BP, I went over to your blog and read a couple of posts. I’m struggling with the same thoughts as you mentioned in your post “the idea of an end point.” It’s a bit too much for me to think too far out. Right now the best I can say is that I will get through this month and am already thinking that I will go for Nov, too. That said, there is a sticky day mid-Nov that I am going back and forth with in my mind. I also think that it would be really good for me to go through the holiday season without the drink, as I usually get the holiday blues. Anyway, I have a feeling moderation for me at this point would be a failure. So that’s where I am – confused!

Dill, yes, the idea of never having another drink again is difficult to get my head around. But today is easier than the first week or second, so I’ll just keep at it. Good steering, by the way! I’m always afraid of getting one of those crazy grocery carts with wheels that head right to the wine aisle.

Em, I hear you!

Pam and LadyBird I appreciate what you’ve both written about your experiences and though processes about moderating and being AF. I will come back to both of your posts over the next week(s?). I do have that feeling – even without testing myself – that I’ve dug myself into such a hole with drinking that I may not ever be able to moderate.

Lav, for some reason I was thinking your grandson was around 2. Oh boy, you’ve got a whole lot of running years ahead, huh?

Red, Cyn, Sooty, Mica, Trucker, JC and everyone – get some sleep!

[cyntree]

Operation October - week three

Hi all - Dill and LBH, thank you so much for your honest postings. Sorry to have you be the 'guinea pigs', but who on this site hasn't had those thoughts: 'why not? I'm doing so well', etc etc, and it's hard to remember how it will probably turn out. Also, your experience was a great reminder(for me at least) that starting up again can awaken that hungry giant that calls out for more and more. That's what scared me into these last 15 days of my sobriety. It just seemed like that monster became insatiable - no amount of alcohol or my misery would be enough. Holy Cow! I wasn't sure I would make it out of the cave alive! Thanks to all of you here, I got the support to get through each day; and your honest postings are keeping me on target, because that could so easily have been ME posting. I made it through the weekend, but as much through lack of opportunity as anything.

Dill - the driving story is fantastic - now THAT'S will....good to have the guardian angels in the car too. LHB - the poem is wonderful.

Pam - "That other headspace where the threshold is suddenly so low"...that describes it exactly -- like the threshold changes when you least expect it.

Finding, Sooty, Dill, Pam , Red, Lav, Lil, Pnut, Emmy, BP (welcome!), and anyone else I forgot (sorry!); won't it be a great day when thoughts of alcohol will no longer rule our lives? (should I, shouldn't I, when, how long is long enough, can I, am I OK w/o it, etc etc). I agree with whoever said 'this is about process, not product' -- about staying real and connected -- about sitting sober by the fire (thanks for the image, Dill) and knowing that our lives are worth more than feeding a monster that will demand such a high price from us.

You guys are the best - be gentle with yourselves, and have a great Tuesday --

[redhibiscus]

Operation October - week three

Tuesday, Tuesday, the most difficult day of the week for me. Good morning everyone.

Pamina, thanks for your post on moderation versus abstinence. I also struggle with the thought of maybe being able to moderate. However, due to past experience, I know that alcohol is making me sicker and sicker. If I could only have one glass of wine, I would be fine. But one glass, what is the point? However, this is an individual journey I appreciate you thoughts.

LBH, the feeling of doom when I think of drinking is every present. This has been helping me stay AF.

Dill, if I have a drive thru to buy booze, I don't even want to know about it. It would make it to easy and ananymous.

Beingpresent, what a powerful message from your grandfather. Let's learn from his life review, no more time wasted drinking and the regrets that go along with it.

Peanut, no wine in the house is the only way to go. If it is there, I will drink it.

Findingmyself, it is too hard to think of never having a drink, so I agree that ODAT is the best. I also have a huge family event, very emotional, in the beginning of November, and family members are already discussing drinking. This will be very hard for me and truthfully, I am scared. So, I guess I will begin thinking about it and all the possible outcomes.

Have a great day AF. TAke care.

[dill]

Operation October - week three

Good Morning!

Change is hard, explaining why it is easier to stay in a negative frame of mind rather than
a positive one.
--unknown

Perhaps that is why this thread has been so important to me. You all help me gain a positive perspective. This is one of the best threads I have participated in. I love the honesty and thoughtfulness and introspection. This is a thread that is a keeper. I plan on saving it to a Word Document to review. Especially the discussions on moderation. The feeling of "doom" you refer to, I have not considered, nor consciously felt. But now I shall have this rollling around in my head as a live thought and will use it as one of my tools.

Pnut, just hearing of your triumph gave me encouragement and motivation to go another day. You and I have been at this together for many months. I'm glad we are still in the ring together, tag-teaming against the beast! Thanks for checking in.

Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement.--Thomas N. Carter

BELIEVE!

[lilmea]

Operation October - week three

WoW! What a great thread to wake up to this morning!

Dil-People always resist change-even for the good. Why? I read an article once about abused women and why they stay with their abusers so long. One of the reasons given was (get this) the pain and misery of a bad situation was easier to live with than the fears of the unknown future alone. Alcohol has been my abuser. And yet it took me years to finally get the courage to let it go.

BP-I've been a heavy drinker most of my adult life. I did realize I had a problem in my 30's. But at that time I could still 'control' it to some extent. Going days even weeks without drinking. In my mid 40's I started losing that 'control' By my 50's, I was drinking heavily every day. I switched from vodka to beer, trying to get some 'control' back because I didn't like beer. Learned to like beer. When I found MWO I had already decided abstinence was the only way for me. I had spent most of my life trying to 'control' it and knew I couldn't.

Pnut-My girls had hamsters. Rats with out the creepy tails.

Emmy-Why not celebrate your 30 days with a glass of sparkling water and join us in Nov.?

Pam-I enjoy your essays. You've been traveling so much lately, it's nice to caught up with you.

LHB-"priming the pump" That's what one or two drinks are for me. I will think of those words if I even feel tempted to 'have just one'

Red-My daughter lives in Ohio. The first time I went to visit her and saw a drive-thru, I thought, Holy Cow! a drive through bar! What will they think of next! :H You said Tues were hard for you. Do you mind if I ask why? Hard af wise?

Finding-I use to not be able to imagine never having another drink. Now I wonder why would I ever have a drink again. Hang in there. This will be my first af holidays in years. Let's make these the best holidays yet.

Cyn-You are doing great! These days I don't have bad cravings very often More of a vague craving for 'something' but I don't know what. I usually just stuff my face and they go away.

Lav-I think it would be much more fun to get my exercise running after a grandkid than walking on a dreadmill.

sorry for the long post. There's just a lot of great discussion going on with this thread! Make it a great one everyone!

[Lavande]

Operation October - week three

Good morning October friends!

Wow, what's left to say? Everyone is bright eyed & bushy tailed here - make me proud to be a part of this group

I joined MWO with the intention of being able to moderate at some point. But, after my first 30 days I started thinking - NO, I won't be able to do it! I just had to be really, really honest with myself. I couldn't bear the thought of flinging myself back on that slippery slope to hell. For me, attempting to moderate would be a stupid thing to do & I'm done with being stupid

Lil, I experience those vague cravings too.........fueled by one or both of my quits. I am guilty of stuffing my face too. So, today I will dust off my dreadmill since my little exercise buddy won't be here today! I fear turning into a blimp, ugh!

Have a great Tuesday everyone!
Lav

[ladybirdheart]

Operation October - week three

What a wonderful thread this is indeed! Today I plan to serve as a good example rather than a horrible warning. I don?t know if Catherine Aird?s quote had anything to do with addiction but it certainly fits. It was great to hear from you, Peanut, let?s find our way out of here. It?s unknown territory but we have adventuresome hearts. Lord Bird Heart is taking me to a party tonight so I already have my sparkling drink, my supply of herbal supplements, and a big bouquet of flowers. Should be smooth and clear out there but I don't take anything for granted particularly if I have something to do with it. Love, Ladybird.

[FindingMyself]

Operation October - week three

Morning,

Yes, the discussion here has been wonderful and very helpful. I haven't left myself much time to post this morning and need to get going for work.

Cyn, I'm going to take some time tonight for myself and write about how I was feeling in the last few months I was drinking. Very dark and scary place and I need to remember that.

Love to all - have a wonderful day. Will check in later.

[dill]

Operation October - week three

It is simply the most perfect Autumn day here in southern Ohio! It's wonderful to be sober and to be able to appreciate its beauty. I think I'll get some hiking shoes on and get out for a walk.

I hope you all are enjoying a nice day as well.

[Peanut]

Operation October - week three

A walk sounds like a great idea Dill. Shake the cobwebs from my head. Doing ok actually, despite the fact that I got NO SLEEP last night. Damn - i hate this need to self-medicate. I don't want to always have to take sleep meds and I really don't want to drink a bottle of wine just so I can sleep!!! I did stay in bed until close to 10:00 this morning though and went to work rather late. Ah well - nothing a little holiday time won't account for!

I too have been enjoying the discussion on moderating vs abstaining and the fear of never being able to drink wine ever again!!! Too scarey, which is why every time I've done 30 days AF, i always seem to go right back to the wine. I have to change my mindset I think! Not sure exactly how to do that at this point in my life, as I have been drinking since teenage-hood. As like many of you, things started to get out of control in my 40's and i don't want it to get any worse!!!! I sure am happy to be with all you, even if I am not always 100% successful! I refuse to give up!!!!

Back to the lab!
xoxo peanut

[Lavande]

Operation October - week three

Good evening all!

Have you noticed the common thread in today's discussions? 'My drinking got worse in my 40's'!!!!!!!

I'll just bet each & everyone of us can raise our hands and say 'me too'! Now if we take a step back and make a list of all the things going on in our lives when we're in our 40's.................
Hormonal changes, kids growing & leaving home, sick & dying parents, demanding jobs, spouses turning into strangers, etc - It's no damn wonder we look to self medicate with AL, just for some relief. It's readily available, realatively inexpensive, socially acceptable, requires no Rx.

I don't mean this as an excuse, maybe just an explanation. I certainly didn't & I know you guys didn't plan on getting into trouble, it just happened! Changing your habits & mind set is tough work but doable I'm still not sure of what we need to do to remain commited. I am fairly certain that I would lose my kids & grandchild if I returned to the state I was in a year ago. So that is my motivation to remain AF. I also like feeling better (unhung) & want to keep that going as well. I made my decision to abstain because I just know that I would never be able to moderate & feel good about it.

So my plan is to remain AF, live the rest of my life with no monkey on my back

I wish everyone a good night, take care!
Lav

[Pamina]

Operation October - week three

Yep, Lav, I raise my hand and say 'me too'!!! My drinking definitely took off in my 40s. But hopefully it will stay in my 40s and I'll be rid of that crutch by the time I get into my 50s. It's a good question about future motivation, I'll have a think about that. It's just too late now, must be off to bed. And I agree, this is a great thread! I love the collective thought and sharing that goes into it. :h

Peanut - you won't 'always' have to take sleep meds. Go easy on yourself. Recent grief, early sobriety, give it time. My sleep went haywire last year for many months after my dad died. Initially it was just as you describe. I didn't sleep at all. Or I'd stay up til 6am and then sleep in the morning. Luckily I was able to take time off work but there's no way I could have lived a normal life without sleep meds. Maybe you could try calming herbs before bed. It does get better with time (not with AL...) Way to go on the winefree house!

Lil, it's true I've done so much travelling I don't know if I'm coming or going. Which is why I've noticed the first green shoots of groundedness the last couple days. Nothing major, just being present. I did it last night in choir rehearsal and again today at work when I decided to give feedback on something I didn't have to. Standing up and being counted. It feels very nice. The benefits of sobriety starting to stack up....

Good night all.

[redhibiscus]

Operation October - week three

Just checking in this evening and enjoyed reading everyones posts. I am sick. I caught a cold from my daughter and can't breathe through my nose. I hate this.

Lilmea, I hate Tuesdays because of a part of work - I work with someone who is difficult, and as I am a people pleaser, and cannot do anything right, I hate working with her on Tuesdays. I confronted her today and it was rather upsetting. I am going to try to get out of having to deal with her, but worry because I cannot affort to lose my job in this economy. Normally, finding another job would not be such a big deal, but right now, and where I live, it is not wise put your job at risk.

The subject of change - it is hard. Even a change for the good. Yet, life is change so it is probably good to let go as that poem we read earlier stated. I wondered how I would fill my time without drinking and as the weeks have rolled by, it is really no longer an issue. I wonder now how I accomplished what I did, feeling so ill so much of the time, and so sleep deprived. The problem now is socializing where there is alcohol. That is the next challenge.

[Emmy]

Operation October - week three

Hi Everyone , Hope you all had a good day ~ I enjoyed reading all your posts on the thread. alot of food for thought here~ I'm undecided whether I'm going to Moderate , I'm kinda curious to see if I can have a glass of wine and not want another , better yet , have a glass of wine and then not think about another the next day .
My husband walked into the study and ask me what song I was listening to . It was "Wine into Water" .. he questioned "why I was so obsessed with drinking?" I ask him if he noticed over the summer that I was drinking alot more and he said NO , he said , you never passed out or acted drunk . Looking back , I guess I didn't , but , in my mind , I was concerned , I saw red flags , and after finding MWO and reading the posts , I saw that I had more in common then I wanted to and for some reason my husband can not see . Anyhow , I'm going to stay AF until an occasion arises that I am offered a glass of wine , and that will be my "test" . Thanks for listening :l Em