DAY THREE...

[Moondancer]

Hello All -

44 year old from Guam - divorced father with two great kids...

This is my second posting on this forum. I have enjoyed reading and learning from you all. I have found myself identifying with many of you... I also see that I could potentially identify with some of you in the future if I don't do something now to address and resolve the destructive behavior I exhibit.

I started regularly drinking as a social drinker while in my 20's... prior to that I did the stupid teenage drinking thing because it seemed like a rite of passage. Before that I remember sneaking drinks from my mother's booze stash.

Somewhere in my 20's, I started having a daily intake... moderated of course. Alcohol became a part of my daily routine.

Now I'm 44, and over the past two years my drinking pattern and behavior has taken a turn. I'm drinking A LOT. A six pack doesn't last like it used to... I find that I go through it too quickly and need to have another six on-hand as a standby. I might stop before finishing off all 12, but then again...

I get off work, go home, and crack one open... The people at the store I frequent know me affectionately as the "beer guy". They recognize me.

And of course I like diversity, so alternate with wine nights... One bottle used to be plenty (and too much actually). Now it's two bottles! And wine spoils once you open it so I need to finish it all off right?

My kids tell me things... The next morning I don't recall. I don't recall phone calls I made the night before, or really what I even did.

I've nearly been snagged by DUI checks several times, but somehow managed to make it through even knowing I was over the limit.

This past Saturday was a normal one for me... My daughter was over at a friend's house having a sleep over... My son was out with friends. I ended up out with my girlfriend and proceeded to get slowly loaded over the course of the afternoon and evening. Later in the night I told my son (16 years old) to get dropped off at the beach bar at around midnight where I was hanging out... It wasn't technically a bar, right?

Well, he ended up as the designated driver while I continued getting loaded. He hung out and ended up carting me and my girlfriend back home. What am I doing? What kind of example is that to set? I rationalized that I was being honorable for having a DD instead of getting behind the wheel.

Anyway, the next day I was down hard with a massive hangover... It was a beautiful Sunday. But I couldn't enjoy it because I was incapacitated.

This last instance was (another) wake-up call for me. Over the past year, I've struggled with my pattern of drinking - I've not been happy with myself - but have continued to let it happen. I've continued to make these choices for myself. In the past year, I can tell you precisely how many days I've gone without a single drink (less than 10)... It's sad really that I have allowed myself to be controlled by alcohol.

I'm on Day Three AL now - I don't want to think of this period of time as a struggle, but rather as an awakening.

I'm not ready for AA... I don't think it suits me... Yet I think that it's all within me to overcome this habitual drinking and self abuse.

I also don't know if I'm ready for "moderation". One thing I'm considering right now is how long do I abstain for now that I've decided to? Is it meant to be a permanent thing for me? Is there some magical number like one or two months of abstinence when I can confidently feel like I can control it? It remains to be seen for me, but I know it's not today.

For now I am AF since 10/19/2009.
NF since 07/21/2009

Thanks for listening

[Emmy]

DAY THREE...

Hey Moon , I'm glad you found MWO .. Try to set a goal for yourself for AF days.. 30 days , 10 days , 7 days , whatever you think you can "promise" yourself~~ baby steps .. the longer you can go the easier it will get ! ;-) Em

[Moondancer]

DAY THREE...

Thanks Emmy... I have to admit I read through some of your threads and see where you have questioned why you are doing this, and have suggested how good that chardonnay might taste after a period of abstinence.

I know about those feelings that creep up on you... One of the last times I "blew it" was when I needed red wine for a recipe I was making - that was Day Four. The meal I made was great... And I was drunk. And that was that.

I'm thinking of it constantly now myself... even though I normally wouldn't think of drinking during the day. Strange - now that I've committed to not having anything, the thought of what I'm doing is with me all the time throughout the day.

It's similar to when I gave up smoking really... I'm three months free from that revolting habit though.

The difference now is that alcohol permeates many aspects of my life as something that is socially acceptable and even refined... Have you been to a "silent auction & wine tasting"? I mean really...

Anyway... A few words of encouragement for you - Keep it up!! You're almost 30 AF! remember why you embarked on this journey in the first place!!

Thanks for replying...

[startingover]

DAY THREE...

Hi Moondancer, welcome and very well done on your day 3!!
I also found thoughts of alcohol overshadowed my thinking in the early days, and also my dreams. That will fade as you learn to replace your drinking time with other activities.
I was in a pub last night and having a drink didnt enter my head. Really!!
Keep posting, its good to see you here!

[mario]

DAY THREE...

hi moondancer and a big :welcome: to mwo,its good that you can see were your going with your alcohol intake,that's a start and its also great that you have come here, as you have said we can all relate to what you are/will go through.keep reading as many posts as you can and hopefully join in with your opinions and by sharing your experiences you may also be helping someone else :goodjob:

[redhibiscus]

DAY THREE...

Welcome Moondancer,
I also noticed that in my 40s I began to drink more days of the week and larger amounts. It got to the point where I was drinking 5 days a week on average. It began to take its toll. I did not miss work, and kept up every important thing in my life. However, I also could not remember my evenings, phone calls, and at times made a fool out of my self. That is not who I really am, but when drunk, I am someone different. I also had my son drive me at times after drinking when he lived at home and know I feel sick about it. What was I thinking? Alcohol takes our reasoning ability away.

I started out cutting back on number of days, ordered the book and the supps. Slowly, I was down to only drinking on weekends. At one point a 59 day stretch of AF. Then started slowly moderating nad worked my way up to drunken weekends. Never went back to 5 days, I'd made too many changes, but I did still drink on one week day, usually. Now, I have been trying to be AF and have had two days of drinking since 8/27/09. It feels so good and liberating. But I am also thinking about it alot, less as time goes on. It is a process for most of us. Progress, not perfection. Only you know if you can moderate. I can't, I have tried, will do well for a few days and then blow it. Good luck and take care.

[drylifeahead]

DAY THREE...

Wecome to MWO Moondancer,

:welcome::welcome:

I'm also one who cannot moderate. Can't even consider it as it would be constantly
on my mind, and once one is down the throat, I'm looking for the next 7! Tried too
many times..failed each and every time. No more kidding myself.

You will find much support here whether to try and moderate, or be AF.
Being AF has absolutely changed my life. I am 44 as well, and wish I had found
MWO years ago, but things happen for a reason, and maybe I found it because this
time I'm truly ready.

Good luck!
DLA

[My New Beginning]

DAY THREE...

Hi Moondancer and Welcome! Good job on the 3 days AF.
I started drinking every day when I was in my mid 40's. I've 57 now. So for about 10 years or so it's been bad. I never drank much at all before my 40s. Socially now and then like maybe twice a month.
I am now trying againfor 30 days. Seems that I go a stretch and then cave but I know I must never stop trying because I cannot moderate. I know that. It's one day at a time for me.
Best of luck to you. You'll do it!

[Moondancer]

DAY THREE...

I wish I could choose my own word for "My Mood"... Focused is the one I was looking for just now.

Day 4 now...

You people are awesome! Every one of you!

Thank you so much. Now I'll share my experience from yesterday evening.

I went to an actual "Tavern", where I drank two ginger ales (had to have an ale of some kind :H), one cup of coffee, and half a glass of water. I didn't feel like biting my nails off because I CHOSE not to have a glass of wine or a beer. Admittedly, it was a little awkward and I was on edge a bit, but I could tolerate it... I managed it and everything was fine.

Overall, it was a novel experience to not drink. When the novelty wears off is a concern for me, and I'll have to confront how I deal with that when the time comes...

Do you know the really cool part about last night? I will tell you...

I live on a military installation... they often conduct 100% DUI breathalyzer checks after you drive through the gate - Last night was one of those nights.

I drove through and shebang right into the gauntlet!! HA!! I blew and didn't have that feeling of dread... I've been pulled out for a "secondary" field sobriety test before (passed all of those how I'm not sure). Good feeling it was to happily blow into that wand and not worry about it pinging...

I still went to bed too late, and didn't get enough sleep, but at least I woke up feeling only tired... not tired AND hung over.

This group is very inspiring.

Randy

[being present]

DAY THREE...

Congrats on Day 4. Sounds like you are on the right path!

[wineilove]

DAY THREE...

Hello

Man, Can I relate to your story. I am 45 and the same pattern fell on me. When I got home, the first thing I would do is crack one open and 6 beers later I would perhaps switch to wine for the cross buzz. I have been alcohol free for 6 days going on 7 now and (last night was a killer) but I kept going. The withdrawals were tough (I went through all of it) and then I went through 3 days sleeping straight and a bit of depression. I am very tired now, but am still pushing that rock uphill. I was up to 14 br=eers and perhaps a half a bottle of wine before I couldn't drink anymore and just fall into bed. Work was a killer becuase I could not hide the alcohol smell. It almost cost me my job at least 3 occations. I made it through and I will hang in there as long as possible. It is just not worth it...


Moondancer;740503 wrote: Hello All -

44 year old from Guam - divorced father with two great kids...

This is my second posting on this forum. I have enjoyed reading and learning from you all. I have found myself identifying with many of you... I also see that I could potentially identify with some of you in the future if I don't do something now to address and resolve the destructive behavior I exhibit.

I started regularly drinking as a social drinker while in my 20's... prior to that I did the stupid teenage drinking thing because it seemed like a rite of passage. Before that I remember sneaking drinks from my mother's booze stash.

Somewhere in my 20's, I started having a daily intake... moderated of course. Alcohol became a part of my daily routine.

Now I'm 44, and over the past two years my drinking pattern and behavior has taken a turn. I'm drinking A LOT. A six pack doesn't last like it used to... I find that I go through it too quickly and need to have another six on-hand as a standby. I might stop before finishing off all 12, but then again...

I get off work, go home, and crack one open... The people at the store I frequent know me affectionately as the "beer guy". They recognize me.

And of course I like diversity, so alternate with wine nights... One bottle used to be plenty (and too much actually). Now it's two bottles! And wine spoils once you open it so I need to finish it all off right?

My kids tell me things... The next morning I don't recall. I don't recall phone calls I made the night before, or really what I even did.

I've nearly been snagged by DUI checks several times, but somehow managed to make it through even knowing I was over the limit.

This past Saturday was a normal one for me... My daughter was over at a friend's house having a sleep over... My son was out with friends. I ended up out with my girlfriend and proceeded to get slowly loaded over the course of the afternoon and evening. Later in the night I told my son (16 years old) to get dropped off at the beach bar at around midnight where I was hanging out... It wasn't technically a bar, right?

Well, he ended up as the designated driver while I continued getting loaded. He hung out and ended up carting me and my girlfriend back home. What am I doing? What kind of example is that to set? I rationalized that I was being honorable for having a DD instead of getting behind the wheel.

Anyway, the next day I was down hard with a massive hangover... It was a beautiful Sunday. But I couldn't enjoy it because I was incapacitated.

This last instance was (another) wake-up call for me. Over the past year, I've struggled with my pattern of drinking - I've not been happy with myself - but have continued to let it happen. I've continued to make these choices for myself. In the past year, I can tell you precisely how many days I've gone without a single drink (less than 10)... It's sad really that I have allowed myself to be controlled by alcohol.

I'm on Day Three AL now - I don't want to think of this period of time as a struggle, but rather as an awakening.

I'm not ready for AA... I don't think it suits me... Yet I think that it's all within me to overcome this habitual drinking and self abuse.

I also don't know if I'm ready for "moderation". One thing I'm considering right now is how long do I abstain for now that I've decided to? Is it meant to be a permanent thing for me? Is there some magical number like one or two months of abstinence when I can confidently feel like I can control it? It remains to be seen for me, but I know it's not today.

For now I am AF since 10/19/2009.
NF since 07/21/2009

Thanks for listening

[Moondancer]

DAY THREE...

I had five "O' Doul's" last night and one real beer last night... Visitors came over and spent some time. They brought a couple of bottles of wine and two six packs of beer. I went up the street and bought the non-alcoholic variety.

As I cracked the first O' Doul's and started drinking it, I felt strangely as if I were cheating. The stuff is less than .5% but there is something there. When they left I insisted they take the remaining booze with them, but ended up with a lone beer, which ended up in my fridge.

You know what's coming of course... I drank it.

So my AF counter is reset I suppose...

I also suppose the good news here is that I didn't go out to the store and get another six pack or two... or a bottle of wine.

Thanks again for all the sharing and encouragement everybody.