Haven't been here in a while. Haven't managed to stop drinking, but it's become a lot worse over the past few months. In particular, it got worse during my stressful "so called" relationship. I say "so called" because relationships are meant for relating and we didn't do any of that.
Over the past few weeks or months, i have been drinking 1/2 - 1 bottle of wine per night. I know it's really bad and probably a familiar story to most of you here, but i found myself hanging out till 5pm (pre-dinner time), when i could get my bottle of wine and pour my first drink. That was all i looked forward to every night. By 7pm i was drunk most nights.
Well, i have become increasingly violent and aggressive on alcohol. I have caused thousands of dollars of damage to things i have smashed (including my ex partners laptop). Last night, after another fight with the ex (bad relationship), i accidently smashed a window in the bathroom, which will probably cost me $200+ to have fixed. Another expense.
Anyway, i am trying very hard not to drink. I don't think i can be in this relationship because i need to sort things out and the ex is what made me drink in the first place. I pretty much it rock bottom in that relationship, and i've certainly learned not to rely on anyone with regards to giving up or help. The ex certainly taught me that... Self loathing and realizing i was compromising myself also led to me drinking.
Tonight is my first night not on alcohol in weeks, or possibly months. I don't feel so bad but feel really tired. Is this normal? I know this is going to be hard, part of me wants to give up, but part of me can't be bothered. I am hoping not to drink tomorrow night and if i do, it will only be one beer.. This relationship has been really bad for me, abusive (and i have done it too) and i want out. I know that i drink because of stress and because i have no higher purpose in this life. I have been feeling really SAD lately and am particularly sad when i don't drink. Agh, i guess i have to face that in order to move forward
Sorry, just venting i guess :ranger
Thanks for listening.
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