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[starfairy]

i never learn. i am so sick of this being me! i have isolated my self from the world because i mess up every friendship by drinking. i ruined a friends birthday party last night. i knew all week that i should not go. i drink very heavily every friday night but i do it alone and i paint. i feel that way i can do no harm to anyone but myself. i then spend all day saturday hung over and hating myself. i tell myself that i will not do it again next weekend but by wednesday i have talked myself out of it. i just want to stop. i want to feel normal. i do not want to feel so guilty and ashamed anymore. i hate myself so much right now so i go deeper and deeper in my darkness but put on a face like i could care less.:upset:

[Gold]

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That's what drinking does, it isolates us and turns us against ourself.

You've decided that you want to stop and for your life to be different, so that's an excellent start.

Have you thought of making a plan for yourself? With perhaps some of the supplements, cd's, the book. Or some different things to occupy you and keep you away from thoughts of drinking. You say it's something you do on a Friday night, so perhaps you could think about how to break this pattern.

It's awful to feel the way you've described, truly hellish and noone can punish you more that you are doing yourself. Sketch out a plan for yourself and know that you can change this. :l

[starfairy]

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you are right gold. i need to break the friday night routine. i feel like it is my alone time to wind down from work and be creative but it is not working for me and it is wasting my precious weekends with my kids. i have battled this most of my life. i started drinking at 14 and am now approaching my 35th birthday. i have been sober before once for 8 months and again for 3. that is what sucks is that i can go all week without anything but when i drink i am not satisfied till i passout. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. and though my husband tries to understand he doesn't fully get it cause he does not have any problems with AL himself.

[Lavande]

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starfairy,

Let's make a new plan for you - especially for Friday nights!!

Make a list of alternative activities for next Friday night that do not include alcohol - a shopping trip, a movie, a volunteer activity, an evening spent with kids, etc.
Make a firm commitment: Drinking is Not an Option!
Make sure there is no alcohol in the house.
Use the Clearing CD several times this coming week..........really helps!

Am I making any sense???
You want to do this - you can do this!
You need to make the commitment and just do it

Wishing you the very best - PM me if you like!
av

[Gold]

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starfairy;743806 wrote: you are right gold. i need to break the friday night routine. i feel like it is my alone time to wind down from work and be creative but it is not working for me and it is wasting my precious weekends with my kids. i have battled this most of my life. i started drinking at 14 and am now approaching my 35th birthday. i have been sober before once for 8 months and again for 3. that is what sucks is that i can go all week without anything but when i drink i am not satisfied till i passout. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. and though my husband tries to understand he doesn't fully get it cause he does not have any problems with AL himself.

I get the feeling that you work very hard juggling a job, children, home and perhaps other responsibilities. By the time you reach Friday you are longing to spend time with your family but you've not managed to create any time for yourself, and the alcohol is somehow your way of cutting yourself a break.

I'm wondering why you feel you can only be creative with the involvement of alcohol.

You've been sober for 8 months and 3 months, that's fantastic much more than I have achieved so far. So you know you can do it. Were there circumstances or things you did that helped those times?

[redhibiscus]

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You are right, Saturdays hungover are horrible. It is so worthwhile to not drink on Fridays to have a better weekend. For a long time I always drank on Fridays, and my Saturdays were miserable. Is there any way you could make a plan for this Friday alcohol free? Plan a nice dinner, rent a movie, take a bath, and go to bed early? Or whatever you do for yourself that makes you feel good. It sounds like you are able to go all week without drinking, and that is really helpful. REad the book, get the supplements and the CDs, and find the toolbox under the monthly abstinence thread. It is so helpful in seeingwhat others have planned to create your own individualized plan. Take care and continue to post. We care.

[brightlite]

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I completely understand about a little YOU time. I also have an urge to be creative and have taken up drawing and pastels. Has this ever happened to you...you start drinking and working on your project...you think your creation is just the best you have ever done, in fact you are convinced of it. You stay up way to late drinking and working on it. When you come down in the morning with your hangover, your creation looks like crap. Believe me it is better to doing your painting while being sober. It is a relaxing event in its own right. The hot bath or shower helps too. You can PM me on friday night and we will keep each other focused on our work.

[starfairy]

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thanks Gold I will take you up on that. i Hate sundays too becuase today is the day my head is more clear and i feel very depressed over my actions. i tell myself it was my fault for even making friends in the first place because i always mess it up. i tell myself i do not deserve friends and that the world hates me, except my kids just because they are still to young. i am just so sad. i have made a plan for next friday night. i am going to take my girls to see where the wild things are. i need to talk to someone. i am hoping to get my insurance back so i can start seeing a therapist again. i really need to stay on this site like i did before. it really helps.

[Gold]

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Starfairy you are a good person, you wouldn't berate yourself as you are otherwise, you care about others and your effect on them. Lavande's suggestion of the clearing CD sounds as though it could help you, I haven't used it myself but did use something which I think is similar some years ago and it did help to turn off the voice in my head.

That sounds like a great plan for Friday night. Talking to someone will help, I hope you are successful with your insurance.

[starfairy]

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brightlite...i can not tell you how many times i have painted "masterpieces" only to spend just as much time sober fixing them....i have a couple that i did during my last 3 months of sober and they are some of my best by far.

[tawnywitch]

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havnt got much time just wanted to say, cheer up, we are all here for you love and hugs Tawnywitch

[stepintime]

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You are lucky you only drink on the weekend's.
Your weekend's, are my 'weeks'.
Nip it now.
While you still can.

[starfairy]

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stepintime
i have always been a binge drinker. i usually drink heavily one night, spend the next day recouping and then start all over. i have been a stay at home mom for the last couple of years so i was still able to keep that up but have now been back to work for a month so i put it all into one night. i hope you are able to fight this as well. it really really sucks!!