Now it's real...

[J S]

Hi everyone.

Woke up this morning, beating myself up verbal ly for the thousanth time.... Every morning I tell myself I am not going to drink tonight. And by 5:00 pm... I am just itching. About 9 years ago I started drinking on the weekends, then it moved to 15 days out of 30.Today it's everyday. If I have 2 days in a month, I don't drink, it's a miracle. I have gone from a couple glasses of wine, to almost 2 bottles of wine a night. I think my drunkeness is not obvious, but I wonder what my kids think. The late night snacking goes hand in hand. I have gained about 20 lbs in the last 3 years.

I am a self employed, proffessional woman. I organize over 40 business with great care and I am very responsible. WHY CAN"T I STOP DRINKING? Everyday it's the same anguish. Pissed off at myself for not having the control to stop drinking. Is it unreasonable to think I could get this under control? That perhaps I could return to a weekend "social" drinker?

Thanks for listening.

[gabby]

Now it's real...

Thats my story. Now I have 100+ days. You have come to a good place. Keep readin and postin. gabby

[shedot]

Now it's real...

You are among people who have the same problem as you....keep posting reading, and talking....

[Preciouspinot]

Now it's real...

It's my story as well...I am a professional woman.....married... 3 kids ages 7, 5 &3..and love my bottles of white wine.....The program works. Read the book, take the supps and listen to the CD's . DOn't beat yourself up for slips and keep going forward. Today was a very important first step.

[matthew1965]

Now it's real...

cds

I am taking campral and the supps and still wanting to drink , have the cds but only really listenened to the moderation one. ordered the topomax today. hope it helps

[Guest]

Now it's real...

You can do this JS!
You sound intelligent, responsible, and ready for a change. You have come to a place with great support and a wealth of knowledge and tools.
Don't let your drinking get to where many of our drinking did and has...a bad bad place where our very lives or livelihoods were in jeopardy. Give yourself the best gift you can give yourself and your family and your body and your future and make the change NOW!
We will help you!
:welcome:
Tell us more about yourself. Keep reading and posting. Get the book and the SUPPS and start cutting back the booze as soon as you can. Set some goals, join a group, join chat if you like, make some friends.
Best of luck!

[J S]

Now it's real...

You guys are just so awesome

This morning I was really afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of letting go of my form of relaxation...lol
This morning I was ashamed.. A few years ago I went to an AA meeting and when they got to me I said "My name is J_____, and I am an alcoholic" Then I proceeded to burst out crying. It was at that point that it was real. Logging on to this site and typing had the same similar reaction within me.

No one would ever in a million years think I have a problem with alcohol. This in itself makes it very difficult to talk to anyone. Even my family doctor told me that if we were in the meditterean we would not be having this conversation about too much wine. He told me to come back, if I start drinking during the day or missing work as a result of drinking, or if people started complaining about my mood change while drinking. Wanting to quit drinking and never being able to go longer than a day should be a warning sign. I have a successful business. I have two beautiful children. I have an amazing 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom home that I built 3 years ago. I have way too many friends to keep up with. A great family. A brand new car. HOW CAN I HAVE SUCH A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL? Why is it so hard to not take that drink? I wake up in the morning, recalling the nights events with disgust. Remember that I drank. I have to check the fridge to see how much I drank. Then I roll my eyes at the empty food plates. I ate too! I vow that I will not drink tonight. I make a plan. I am a planner. I make a plan that I will not drink on such and such nights. To try and cut back on my drinking. And by about 5:00pm... I have justified why I can drink tonight. And thus the circle goes on and on.

Some one asked for more info on me... Well I will be 44 this year. I have been divorced for 9 years. My ex husband is an alcoholic, thus my drinking career didn't start until I was separated. I guess I was self medicating. Then my next relationship was with, you guessed it, an alcoholic. The most caotic 4 years of my life. My drinking took a whole new life at this point. I have never re-married or lived with anyone since my divorce. I have enjoyed the time alone, so I can drink. In fact, boyfriends that I have had drove me nuts because they wanted to come over or talk on the phone. Didn't want them to see me drunk and didn't want them to hear me drunk. Those poor guys, I think they couldn't figure out why I was always pushing them away. I have two children, a son that is 21 and a daughter who will be sweet 16 in November.
Both still live at home with me. My son is on his 2nd year electrical apprentiship program. I am very proud of him. My daughter just got her first job this week. I am so pleased for her. On paper and from everyone looking at me, my life looks so good. People have actually said to me that they think I have an awesome life. THE SH*T they don't know. Every Sunday morning I can be found at the local church greeting everyone as they come in. I have this constant perma smile on in public. But I am an irritable hag with my kids. Why am I irritated.... Because I had a drink and I shouldn't have. Or I want a drink and can't have. So this pretty much takes up 24/7. As soon as I have that first drink, I am all relaxed, playful. My kids probably want me to drink. Is there a time period in sobriety that this improves?

sorry for the verbal diarhea.......

[lushy]

Now it's real...

Geez J.S. Your wrote practically my story.......you will find that here that you are really no different than the rest of us and in some ways that is reassuring. I have a friend from Poland and when I expressed my concerns about my drinking she laughed at me. She said the same thing your doctor did and, yes, while I do not think 2-4 glasses of wine a night are THAT bad especially if I am eating healthy, taking vitamins, exercising, etc., it is those nights where I go nuts that are not acceptable. Unlike you I think people are starting to get that I focus too much on drinking. I am at church every Sunday and I spend the whole time praying for God to release me from wanting to drink all of the time but then there are other times when I think, "well I am not eating a hot fudge sundae every night, instead I am having a a couple or three glasses of wine". Is there really that much difference? Who knows. So there I go with my verbal diarrhea! Welcome to our site!!! Keep posting!

[cpn1004]

Now it's real...

JS,
Same story here. Although I am a professional male, active in church, work out of a home office and travel on business. I am now on 4 AF days for the month. It is amazing how much time I have spent drinking or thinking about drinking. A year ago when I found this site I started recording my drinks. For the past year, I have averaged about 7 beers a day with some days hitting 10 to 12. Since I work at home, somedays hell, I can have a beer at 1 pm. Those are the 10 to 12 beer days.

So you are among friends here. Hang with us on this journey.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[Guest]

Now it's real...

You are so honest, J. Honest with us, and honest with yourself. You will find that to be one of your greatest assets in this program, I think. It's easier here than at a program like AA because of the anonymity, I believe. Gotta be honest, but you don't have to worry about saying "um, I had a drink" and worry about being slayed. Set your goals, and do your best.
Shoot for cutting back, get some alcohol free days under that belt, and seriously take that advice to get the supplements! They work. The Kudzu, L-Glutamine, Gaba, and All One I find especially help. Calms Forte helps with the nerves. Milk Thistle helps with the liver. The book explains it all,and there is an updated list of supps somewhere... let me know if you need help finding it! I probably need to search a bit on this new board myself to get to it! (we switched a while back- I've been here since Feb).
See you in the morning!

[Steverino]

Now it's real...

JS
I started the program yesterday. Very similar to you. I have a successful business in my home, 2 daughters 16 & 18. I have been married for 32 years. I have been drinking wine since college. My tolerance for it has grown over the years. So, I have had to drink more and more to get the same affect. As of Sunday night, up to 2 bottles a night. Although, a very high functioning alcoholic in the daylight hours. I guess all of us hear have lived Dr. Jerkle/Mr. Hyde lives for a long time. Yesterday, I went to my doctor and admitted that I have a problem and asked for him to prescribe topomax. I explained the My Way Out program of support, hypnosis, conditioning and nutrition. We seemed intriqued and also very supportive. When I went into his office my blood pressure was 160 over 95. It usually is normal. It is not easy to come clean with someone who is a professional like yourself and admit that I needed help. I could not keep going on the way I was headed. I started volunteering at hospice 6 months ago (in-home). I give the primary caretaker 2-4 hours resbit a week. Most of my patients have died of cancer and several of them alcohol related. A real wake up call for me at age 54. I only had 1 drink last night but did not sleep much. However, today is a new day. Looking forward to helping each other on our journeys.

[lushy]

Now it's real...

Steverino, you are to be applauded for your hospice work. My dad went through hospice and it was a "beautiful" experience, if it can be called that. I, too, am around the two bottle a day habit. So bad. However, since finding this site and listening to other people's struggles and realizing I am not so alone I am doing 3-4 nights without a drink a week. It is these little steps that will give us the courage to keep getting even better. Best of luck to you!!!

[Beaches]

Now it's real...

JS
You sound very familiar to a lot of us and me too. I feel like I live dual lives. One that is professional and involved and the other that is out of control. I beat myself up in the morning and try to figure out what the hell I was doing and scared to ask anyone to fill in the blanks. Gotta seem like I have it all together because I am supposedly the "rock" of the family and it sounds like you are too.
Welcome and I look forward to getting to know you better.

[jerri 2765]

Now it's real...

Me, Too!

Same here....no one knows...think my 16 year old suspects...and my 10 year old says she hates the way beer smells on my breath :h :sorry:

I just want to stop! But, I'm so stressed...two kids, no child support, always money problems...loved ones dying...just seems the beer makes me feel better. Two jobs, full time college....just want to put away the beer. Can't afford the program. Splurged and bought the campral online for over 100$. Worked at first...now it doesn't. Almost out. Guess I need hypno CD, but can't even pay the rent, must less buy a CD for 98$....

Lots of people on here like me...surely we can do this. I will be praying for you all!

:thanks: :new:

[jerri 2765]

Now it's real...

JS...sure you're not me?

Except for the house and success...you sound just like me!! What is going on and how are you doing?? I hate secretly checking the fridge to see how much I drank the night before...or my daughter telling me something I forgot to do because I forgot she told me when I was drinking!!! In church, loving mother, single mom, everyone loves me because I'm so "sweet"!! If only they knew my secret struggle....it's the only thing that helps me cope!! Not liquor...not a case of beer...just beers...2-6....to 'get me through'...when I can't pay the rent...the child support doesn't come....food running low (oh, and I buy the cheap beer!! and even then feel guilty for spending 5.99 on 12!).

I have to fix this somehow....'program' is too expensive for me...barely can buy groceries...but maybe this forum will help me. Awful lot of people like me, it seems!!

jerri