I got drunk for the first time at 14. Throughout high school it became a weekend ritual. In the army it progressivley picked up in intensity. My first bender was 4 days in the army.
When I got out 2-3 days a week were 12+ beers. I'm 33 now and I feel like I am on my last leg with this. I had 25 days clean interupted by a 5 day mess, then another 24 with a 7day 100 beer fiasco. This is day 7 of that fiasco. I've only had 6 today and want to cap it with one more later on tonight to help with the ill feelings.
I feel like utter trash for putting myself and family through this. My body is screaming at me to stop. The guilt is horrible. All of these feelings are sadly feelings I have felt before.
I have never been to jail, lost a job, gotten hurt or hurt anyone else but I am killing myself. My liver/gall bladder/pancreas area aches dully. Heart is racing. Fuzzy head. Not sleeping well.
I'm not overly worried about withdrawls but I know this time could be different. Usually I just suffer through them. I'm scared a bit though. I don't remember drinking this hard. I've got some antivan that I might use this time. Gonna stay away from caffinated stuff.
I've been on other quit sites before and the last one seemed very much like a clique thing.
My goal is to be over and done with this. I need to take it 1 day at a time but I don't understand why I explode into these bends. I'd like to know. I don't want to die. I have young children. Imagine killing myself with this.
Well that is me for what it is worth. Maybe I will just skip that last beer and start suffering.
When I got out 2-3 days a week were 12+ beers. I'm 33 now and I feel like I am on my last leg with this. I had 25 days clean interupted by a 5 day mess, then another 24 with a 7day 100 beer fiasco. This is day 7 of that fiasco. I've only had 6 today and want to cap it with one more later on tonight to help with the ill feelings.
I feel like utter trash for putting myself and family through this. My body is screaming at me to stop. The guilt is horrible. All of these feelings are sadly feelings I have felt before.
I have never been to jail, lost a job, gotten hurt or hurt anyone else but I am killing myself. My liver/gall bladder/pancreas area aches dully. Heart is racing. Fuzzy head. Not sleeping well.
I'm not overly worried about withdrawls but I know this time could be different. Usually I just suffer through them. I'm scared a bit though. I don't remember drinking this hard. I've got some antivan that I might use this time. Gonna stay away from caffinated stuff.
I've been on other quit sites before and the last one seemed very much like a clique thing.
My goal is to be over and done with this. I need to take it 1 day at a time but I don't understand why I explode into these bends. I'd like to know. I don't want to die. I have young children. Imagine killing myself with this.
Well that is me for what it is worth. Maybe I will just skip that last beer and start suffering.
Comment