Hi KTab,
Today I'm riddled with remorse, confusion, anger and fear. Basically the complete opposite to how I felt last before 10pm last Saturday when I had my first pint. Really angry with myself. How can someone who has been described as bright, intelligent, articulate, sharp witted and insightful write here for 3 weeks about the pitfalls of AL and the torture it has caused and then go out and decide to drink knowing full well that it was likely to be a time bomb.
Felt really deceitful today in work - they knew full well why I missed two days its so f*cking obvious yet I persist with a facade. You know I almost hoped I would get pulled aside and told to check into rehab or something it would almost be a relief. I feel I don't have anyone to open up to. If I say to anyone I want to give up they dismiss it by saying (1) I just need to grow up (2) I need a girlfriend or (3) Just don't drink on nights where you have work the following day. This frustrates the life out of me I almost want to scream at them - I'm a f**king alcoholic.
There are so many many positives to not drinking and I understand each and every one of them why can't I get that stuck in my brain and stay AF which is what I'd really love. Within myself i've sought to blame my mate who suggested going for a pint Saturday or my sister who couldn't go out sat night so cancelled me as babysitter. But I know these a re things I have to face day in day out as the choice is with me not them. I had every opportunity not to go out Sat night.
I feel very low and don't want to get lower because this feels horrible. I'm such an actor though a friend just rang and I was having a laugh with him as if I hadn't a care - typical me.
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