WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

[mentathaloner]

Hi, Well I managed to abstain for 11 days...and tonight I blew it....Driving home from work...I have a 1/2 hour drive and tried to convince myself not to drink....what did I learn...I am not really ready...I mean I am ready,,,,guess I'm not willing.....Tried to assess "Why do you want to drink?" and couldn't actually come up with a reason other than "it makes me happy"....
"I start again tomorrow"...."who will know"..."I won't tell anyone"......How sad.....Yes I am disappointed,,,yet I'm not....If I was the only person in the world I would probably drink...so I guess my major motivator is that I am more concerned about "other" peoples criticisms,opinions etc..." Because to this point I actually like the feeling...numbness...Obviously the secret is to find the feeling I have "high" when I am "not high".....anyway, I am disappointed in myself....I was hoping this site was going to be all I needed...guess not....

[greeneyes]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Meth, there is 24/7 chat. Why don't you try looking to see who's on line in the "Our Community" section. Or make a post asking for someone to chat. I often have MWO open when working at my desk and have diff. conv. with people during the day. Or just go to chat the minimize it and then go elsewhere on the boards and keep checking to see if anybody shows up. OK? Sorry you are feeling badly. 11 days is not enough to experience that high. It took me many, many months. Keep at it, it's worth it!

[mentathaloner]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Thank you Greeneyes.....I so appreciate the acknowledgement...I often go to chat, but no one is online....I don't know...I guess I am just so self centered I want some magical angel to come and save me..stop me...but then at the same time ...I don't.....anyway...thank you for taking the time to read and more importantly response....thanks

[greeneyes]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Menth.... bless your heart..... we all wanted that magical angel to do that. Your magical angel is there to guide you but you have to have a clear head to hear them. You have to do the work to clear you head. When that little voice says "No, don't do it" as you waver, that is your magical angel. Don't ignore it. :l

I don't mean on-line as in chat. Just logged into the boards. Pick a few and PM them asking if they would chat with you.

Also, people may be logged in but in invisible mode so they don't appear in the list (like me) in which case a post requesting a chat may be better.

[dill]

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Ment, focus on the positive. You had 11 days! That's awesome! :goodjob: Those days count. They haven't been erased because you caved tonight. I suggest you make a list of reasons you want to quit. Make a plan on paper as to how you will do it. Angels will help you, but you must do the heavy lifting!

Tomorrow you can start again. Just never give up!

[rubywillow]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Ment, we all want that angel. That's the child in us coming back, but it's a beautiful thing. There IS a point, there IS a time, for each of us it's different. Keep pecking away till you find someone online. Everyone wants to help you, really. I've always felt that way about myself. Love to you, hon.

[shirazgirl]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi,
Don't beat yourself up. Most of us have failed several times when trying to quit. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Nobody is going to save you except for yourself. We all liked that fuzzy buzz until that buzz became being a sloppy drunk who fell down the stairs 5 days before her wedding and gave herself a blackeye (I wonder who that could be, uumm, well, okay, it was me). There is a point when you realize that you have to do something different. What we were doing was not working for us or we wouldn't be here looking for others who share similar stories.
People drank for different reasons. Some are depressed, anxious, bored, etc. I drank because I liked the feeling to. Unfortunately, the al became a daily part of my life instead of a night out w/ friends. I could no longer take it or leave it. Sometimes it was the my first thought in the morning (usually hating myself) and my last thought of the night (probably not going to be a great workday tomorrow). Whatever your reason is, you obviously want to make a change.

Start here. Instead of drinking, force yourself to sit here and share w/ others, whether it be your experiences, wisdom or just support of someone else in their quest to live a different and more profound life. We are all in the same boat and with the right direction, it won't be sinking!

[RedThread12]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi Mentathaloner: I'm so sorry it's being tough for you just now. I've been there, too. Congrats on 11 days. It's not easy, especially if you are in a vacuum, trying to do this on your own with no support or changes in the regular patterns of life - where you've always used alcohol. Tres difficult.

I'm 53 now. The three times I've quit over the last two 1/2 decades, I've had to let everything else go in order to put all my attention on getting sober. I'm not saying that path is necessary, by any means. But that is how it worked for me. And it HAS worked - each time I've come through so much healthier than I could have imagined. That light at the end of the tunnel actually is a light!

I promised some info re trauma and addiction and I haven't posted that yet. I will, I promise. You could start with looking at some studies published by Kaiser Permanente that they call the "ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study" (Home). These studies look at the relationship between traumatic childhood experiences and adult addiction. Astounding figures.

I'm also studying the work of Bessel van der Kolk (The Trauma Center at JRI) and Peter Levine (Foundation for Human Enrichment- Trauma Healing). They both work with the dramatic and pervasive effects of trauma and PTSD, and how they show up later in life as addiction and behavioral (depression, anxiety, etc.) issues.

I'm still working on pulling all of this information together in a cohesive way, but since you're a mentathaloner, this should be enough to get you started down some interesting pathways. I personally feel as if I'm the "poster child" for the fundamental premise of this work, which suggests that traumatic experience gets lodged in our neuro-chemistry and physiology, beyond our cognitive reach . . . resulting in inexplicable behavior.

I've benefited enormously from what I learned here on MWO about Dr. Ameison's results from using baclofen. I highly recommend at least reading his book to see if it makes sense to you and your situation. It has had "text-book" results for me; and his theory meshes perfectly with traumatology.

My heart goes out to you, Menta. There IS help here, just keep reading everything of any kind of interest, keep posting, and know that you can find your own way out!

[lodestar]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi Ment,

I'm so glad you posted! We started stopping right around the same time, remember? The ambivalence about drinking is understandable and to be expected at this stage of the (not so fun) game, isn't it?

I relate to what you're saying -- thought about having a drink tonight on the drive home from work tonight and asked myself why too. The answer as near as I can figure: I sat at my desk too long without moving, felt like I needed to decompress, and the biggie...habit. I don't like what alcohol was doing to me, even though I did like the "numb" feeling (as we've discussed). After a time, that numbness gets replaced with hopelessness and horrible self-loathing -- at least that has been my experience.

Your 11 days without alcohol is wonderful and please don't diminish your accomplishment. Whatever choice you made today does not mean your days before now didn't count. In that time, you gave your body and your mind a much needed break to do some healing and you can continue to do that if you choose. Whatever you decide, I hope you will keep coming here and posting. I posted on the ASAP section for a chat once and wasn't disappointed. There are so many people here that I think someone is usually around somewhere to come to chat or respond to your thread. I'll be looking for you. Hope to hear how you're doing.

Thinking of you!

:l Lode

[girl_from_oz]

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Hey Mentathaloner,

Wanted to say something but couldn't think of anything nearly as encouraging or inspiring as what has already been posted by others so just wanted to let you know there are people out there and we're thinking of you and send lots of love, thoughts and strength your way...

I admire your 11 days - I'm only on day 3 and pretty scared about the coming weekend. I can only hope in 8 days time I can come back here and say I've done 11 days AF! One day at a time right? And if you have 1 bad day, that's only 1 bad one out of 12 - pretty damned good for starting out I reckon and possibly a lot better than you've done in the past.

Good luck and keep posting and reading

[roberta930]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi Ment- you did so well to do those 11days! Rome wasn't built in a day -so stop beating yourself up and jump back on the wagon.We all love/loved the happy numb feeling- thats why we're all here! it's what happens later -as Shiraz G put it so well. so get back in there and start to feel good again!
Thinking of you - be strong! X -R

[mentathaloner]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi Lode, thanks for the support...well, naturally I feel "embarrased" about last night....it was wierd though....cause I woke up thinking...now just how fun was it to get drunk...alone.....to spill a drink all over my keyboard which is now unusable...(I am on my laptop) NOT!!! And then the notion of it being"poison" clicked...I can't remember the book but remember reading a summary....Then I thought...OMG I have the mind of a teenager!!! Anyway...I am going to continue to choose not to put poison into my body....today...everybody is right...I can choose each moment what my next thought / action is going to be...yesterday is gone.....I am a little surprised at how "SUPPORTIVE and NON-JUDGEMENTAL" people are here...thank you all for providing me with feedback...

[Rusty-576]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

ment I do hope you pop in later today in chat it usually full of lots of people in different stages of this journey......take care

[tlrgs]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

ment it was great chatting with you last night hope to see you there tonight

[lodestar]

WISH THERE WAS 24/7 CHAT ...NO ONE EVER THERE

Hi Ment,

Your post just lightened my heart! Glad to hear you have some perspective today and you are completely right. You cannot do anything about yesterday, only today. Don't waste time feeling embarrassed...just add to your what sucks about drinking list.

Glad you are back online and hope to see you again soon.

Take good care!