Hello

[penelope pit stop]

Hello

Wow thats fabulous stuff to CMF, I took advantage of that info too. I haven't got an off switch either!!
PPS

[changemeforever]

Hello

Day 2 has dawned and I feel HAPPY!! My daughter asked me this morning what was wrong as i was happy and singing!! Makes me wonder how awful I have been?? Many new days to start and I hope and pray that they will begin like this.
Have decided I need to probably write about why I have been a drinker but not sure where to write it or whether to post it as i dont know if people will think it too personal?? It may help others i guess??

[planetjanet]

Hello

Congrats CMF and yes you should post your story where ever you choose, I think people will tell you to post in the "Newbies". I think it would not be too "personal" at all because I am sure someone will probably reply saying that your story sounds like theirs or better yet someone will have been aspired by your story. It also might help you to see it written out and I don't know could help on your way to your new life. One other thing I would advise is you is try to beat yourself about your drinking, the fact that you are putting the work into changing is AWESOME....

Okay, it's late here in California.....WELCOME!!!! Way to go on AF Day 2.....Keep us posted...

Big hugs,
Janet

p.s. looking forward to reading your story

[changemeforever]

Hello

#3745 (permalink) Today, 10:18 AM
changemeforever
Member Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: England
Posts: 12
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My Mood:

My story.

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So here goes! Thanks for reading this in advance!

I didnt drink untill I was in my early 20's! The reason for this was because I was determined not to be like my mother who both abused drugs and alcohol and also my step mother who was an alcoholic hiding bottles all over the house! I have never been that bad and have never hidden my drinking! Anyway back to the story......


It all begins with a soldier (my Dad) having a drunken one night stand with my mother resulting in me! My mother tracked my Dad down and landed up on my grandparents doorstep with the story that she was pregnant with me, she was taken in and so the story begins! However unbeknown to all at that time was that mother was married and had just abandoned 2 other kids ages 2 and 8 months at the time left them with a neighbour as she went to buy something at the local shop!
So I am born and 22 months later along comes my brother. Which is when Mother hit the bottle and was leaving us downstairs whilst she had her end away with the neighbours whilst Dad was at work. When I was 4 she left us and that was the first time I remember feeling lost and abandoned and then begins the next chapter of the story.

Us kids were left with the teenage neighbour whilst dad was at work and this is where the sexual abuse began. I was never raped but remember knowing that it was all wrong being touched, stroked, kissed, licked like that. He used to get my brother to do it to me too and to get me to touch him. I can still remember the smell of him and it still turns my stomach.

When I was 8 Dad met my step mother and we moved to a remote village to begin as a happy family. My step mother came with 3 boys of her own and at first things were great. But when the baby was born it all fell apart as she hit the bottle in a big wasy and was both emotionaly and physically abusive and violent. The sexual abuse had stopped but we were then bounced into another situation that non of us kids had any control over. When it hit rock bottom she was sectioned and 3 of the boys were taken into care leaving me at 10yrs old at home looking after the 2 younger boys. she was in hospital for a few weeks and then came out again and the circle began once again. The older boys never came home and I didnt get to see any of them for the next 20 yrs! My grandmother came to stay with us for a few days and that was when i was saved and taken to live with her. The 2 younger boys were then adopted and again it was 20 yrs before I got to see them again.

So when did the drinking begin? I guess it was when I went to uni and was experimenting sexually that i needed a drink to take the edge off and make me feel warm and fuzzy and give me confidence to have sex. I then fell into the trap of thinking that if a guy was having sex with me he must love me?? How nieve was I?? I then began the pattern of self loathing at getting pissed and sleeping around until I fell pregnant with my daughter. She saved me at that point! I left uni got a flat and began life as a single mum.

When my daughter was 7 months old I met my husband. We enjoyed good food and wine and soon my son came along. I had a meltdown at this point as all my supressed memories came flooding back. This is when the drinking I guess became more of a regular thing rather than a social thing. Even now I need a drink before i can have sex so the future is going to be a challenge!

Life went on! 2 yrs ago my grandmother died and I have never felt such pain or loss. My saviour had gone and even with my husband and children being here i have never felt such loss. This is when a bottle of wine almost every night became the norm!
I found my brother and step brothers later that yr and all are heavy drinkers. My biological brother and i never really bonded I guess I had too many barriers still up from our childhood and he was in prison. I was going to meet him this yr but he died in a road accident after coming out of the pub and was texting on his phone.

Yesterday I had my first real AF day and it felt fantastic. Im going to contoll my life now and not let events of the past make me drink. Im 35 and have a long life ahead of me. I need to make this change!! Hence the name! xxx

[planetjanet]

Hello

Hi CMF,

Wow, like I said alot of people including myself would identify themselves in that story. I was sexual abused and my "adoptive" parents didn't really do anything to my brother, in fact my drunken mother pretty much thought "it wasn't exactly all my brother's fault for what happen. "You participated too" was her exact words. That still makes my stomach turn.....

:goodjob: on being AF and again keep posting because that will inspire others, again myself included Take all the advice people give you here especially about making a plan for yourself or stuff you can do to keep yourself busy. I am a runner, in fact I am registering for the Carlsbad Marathon in January, my goal is to achieve the Triple Crown Metal next year, which is the Carlsbad Half Marathon (it's sold out but not the full marathon :upset, the La Jolla Half (in April) and the America's Finest Half marathon (in August), so that will definitely keep me busy. The other thing that helps me is having a monthly calendar and at the end of each night, I place a golden star on that day for being AF. Wow, you would be amazed when you see weeks (months when I was 90 days) of golden stars and don't get me wrong saddened too when there was none :upset: And when I would see those blank days with no golden stars, I would dig deep inside me. TRY to tell myself don't beat yourself up, get up, brush myself off and just keep telling myself to TRY, TRY AGAIN!!!

Okay, well my doggie Mya is wanting to go play, so off I go....Congrats again and keep posting....

Lots of hugs,
Janet