near death experience
hi angelcakes!
coming up to end of day 4 again! What an absolutely horrendous ordeal.....have never done anything so difficult in my life and I am someone who always is up for a challenge.....but this!!!
I HONESTLY cannot do it alone. I will not go to the shops on my own - I need someone with me to be my strength at the moment and I HATE that, but I have to or I know deep inside I will stop and pick up a "just in case" bottle and it won't stay closed 10 minutes after I am home. I even hate being honest with myself because it is stopping me doing what I really want to do! Which is to keep trying to successfully drink!
I don't want to stop drinking - I want to control it and enjoy or at least utilise it to "help" me be a more sociable, optimistic sort of person. But I have tried and tried and it has nearly killed me, not to mention the loved ones that haven't run away in despair.
So I have to choose - live or die. I choose to live, even if it means suffering for a while. I figure when Ruben (my 6 yr old) turns 21 if it is still 1/2 this bad then maybe I will just drink then. Burt until then I owe it to him to be his Mother....baths, schoolwork, reading, playing, dinners, cuddles....concentrate on all those things and not on the AH.
Wow, didn't mean to prattle on....sorry. Just trying to convince myself I can do it even though it feels impossible. Blah
Have a great 24 hours AC!
:thanks:Chopxx
hi angelcakes!
coming up to end of day 4 again! What an absolutely horrendous ordeal.....have never done anything so difficult in my life and I am someone who always is up for a challenge.....but this!!!
I HONESTLY cannot do it alone. I will not go to the shops on my own - I need someone with me to be my strength at the moment and I HATE that, but I have to or I know deep inside I will stop and pick up a "just in case" bottle and it won't stay closed 10 minutes after I am home. I even hate being honest with myself because it is stopping me doing what I really want to do! Which is to keep trying to successfully drink!
I don't want to stop drinking - I want to control it and enjoy or at least utilise it to "help" me be a more sociable, optimistic sort of person. But I have tried and tried and it has nearly killed me, not to mention the loved ones that haven't run away in despair.
So I have to choose - live or die. I choose to live, even if it means suffering for a while. I figure when Ruben (my 6 yr old) turns 21 if it is still 1/2 this bad then maybe I will just drink then. Burt until then I owe it to him to be his Mother....baths, schoolwork, reading, playing, dinners, cuddles....concentrate on all those things and not on the AH.
Wow, didn't mean to prattle on....sorry. Just trying to convince myself I can do it even though it feels impossible. Blah
Have a great 24 hours AC!
:thanks:Chopxx
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