how to move forward?

[NewEagle]

I know this separate from drinking..at least I guess it is...but more and more I have been thinking back to my childhood and realize how abused I was. This was not physical but emotional. The people that did this to me did not intend to...I realize they had their own demons and emotional problems. Still, screaming, fighting, putting me inbetween their arguements, expecting me to take sides...and then the verbal insults. Abuse. Between that and the OCD, no wonder I have felt odd my entire life.

I have finally moved past OCD (except for spikes once in a great while). I am on meds for OCD. I have also been cutting back on drinking for months and am now trying to not drink at all....

Still, I realize I was abused. How do you get over it though? I know it still clouds my judgement often.

[startingover]

how to move forward?

Hi there NewEagle.
Have you thought of trying counselling or psychotherapy?
Sometimes these treatments can help you understand and make peace with your past.
I have had counselling and it has helped me tremendously. A recent experience has shown me I still have issues to address though. However I am further forward than I was a year ago.
I hope this helps a bit.

[Gold]

how to move forward?

Hi NewEagle,

Emotional abuse can be so damaging and because it's invisible it's not well understood, it sounds as though it was very hard growing up in such an environment and trying to keep the peace between those warring adults. Perhaps the development of the OCD was in some part to creat a feeling of being able to be in control of things.

Being in a situation of abuse can make the child very sensitive to atmosphere's and so on and because the child has to be on their guard constantly to stop the worst situation, whatever that may be, occuring then it is not surprising that these coping mechanisms persist into adulthood.

It does get better with insight and compassion for the people who didn't know how to look after you properly. Compassion and understanding for yourself is of the utmost importance. Seeing what went on dispassionately and recognising the the gifts you have developed as a result; that might be sensitivity, compassion, the ability to bring calm in explosive situations as examples, and knowing that all that occured belongs in some greater scheme can help to bring about acceptance.

Perhaps your heightened awareness from growing up as you did contributes to your feeling of oddness.

It sounds as though you are making wonderful progress and have a good understanding of yourself. Perhaps try Start's suggestion of counselling, just being heard and then being able to see the situation for what it was is a big step in moving on, just that recognition and acceptance.

[redhibiscus]

how to move forward?

NewEagle,
I also grew up in a house with emotional abuse, in my case it was my Dad who was emotionally abusive. My siblings and I have chosen different ways to handle it. I want to illustrate how we have moved forward with the emotional abuse, hoping it will give you some perspective. I feel that the alcohol abuse is connected to the emotional abuse, but is not an excuse or reason for the addiction. I am trying to say the emotional abuse did not cause my alcohol abuse. But it did contribute to it, because I let it. Also, my Dad is a recovering alcoholic, has not drank in over 30 years. So...

One sibling just pretends it didn't happen. He focuses on the positive and how great my mother was. He is the family hero, if you know anything about roles that kids growing up in alcoholic homes act out.

My other brother has gone to therapy his entire adult life, and continues to wallow in his victimhood and depresssion. He is what I call the walking wounded. He still lives the abuse and has borrowed large amounts of money from our father, further setting himself up for more emotional abuse. It is pathetic. He is unable to move on, and is currently estranged from the family. I wish he could see that you cannot blame your parents, your entire life, for every problem you have. He is a professional victim and martyr.

I have chosen to acknowledge the abuse, forgiven my Dad, and moved on. I also protect myself, and set limits and boundaries. Now, our Dad is old and with me, he is loving and not abusive. Every once in a while he will say something mean, and I will immediately tell him to knock it off. I will not put up with it, I am an adult, and I have control. I also know he did the best he could at the time. My mother enabled him to be abusive, and it was an entire family dynamic. So....now you know too much. But my point is that at some time, forgiveness and moving on is the only way to go. I think therapy is a great idea, or talking to a supportive friend or sibling. At some point you have to let go and live your life for you, the best you know how.

I love the book LIfe Strategies by Dr. Phil. The chapter on forgiveness has helped me to understand that you forgive for yourself. You don't foget, you release your hurt and move on. It is so important to do this in many life situations. Resentment is huge in drinking.

[penelope pit stop]

how to move forward?

Hi New Eagle, I've been trying to get over abuse, both mental and physical ever since I was old enough and confident enough to say STOP. I have done stacks of self help work for the last 26 years. From psychologist, (that was my 1st step at 19 yrs old). What a fantastic experience that was. To Reiki 2nd degree, Journey Workshops with Brandon Bays, Massage, Meditation, Yoga, Sport. Prescription drugs, (hoping that would be the magical cure). Non prescription drugs and Alcohol for 30 years. The only thing I stuck with was the drugs and alcohol. They helped me bury, bury, bury EVERYTHING, so I could go on appering to myself to be handling life, and looking pretty together to everyone else. NAH NAH NAH
finally got it through my thick head that it doesn't work that way!I am now AF 7 days, drug free, of any kind for 1 month, and I'm not going back. Heres a passage that I picked up from a self help. It's about changing habits. You need to say it every day for at least 30 days. I've been saying it every day since June 24 09. I think it is the icing on the cake for me. I didn't really get it at first, but kept saying it anyway.
I intend to see; I want to see; I expect to see. No matter who I am talking with, no matter who I am working with, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing... I intend to see that which I want to see.
All the best, believe in yourself
love Penelope

[NewEagle]

how to move forward?

Thank you all so much for listening to me. I appreciate it. I agree with everything I've read. I think what I've done is spend years figuring myself out. I get my OCD and am dealing. I am understanding why I should not drink and don't even want to...this is going to be really personal. I just feel I need to talk about it.

I realized a handful of years ago what I went through as a kid was emotional incest. It is not physical but it happens when one parent (my mom) leans on a child for emotional support instead of the spouse. Dad drank a lot when I was young and Mom expected me to...I don't know...guide her give her the emotional support she wanted. Add lots of fighting and verbal insults. It was a mess.

What is odd, is that they are very different today. We are all friends and Mom is very calm most of the time (thanks to medication) and Dad has not drank since the late 1980s. He wouldn't touch it these days. I have forgiven them in my soul. They didn't even know what they were doing.

I recently noticed that I still play the part of the victim. At jobs I have had, I let myself feel like a slave. At home, I do most of the housework and let myself be a slave there. I let friends dictate many of our outings. I have gone through life abusing myself long after the childhood abuse faded away.

Wow. I just recently figured out I have never let myself move past it. Realizing I have still been playing the victim internally may help. I hope so.