Hi
I stumbled upon this site a few hours ago and I've spent the last few hours reading peoples stories, I can relate to so many of the experiences on here and it's kind of brought me down to earth with a bump if I'm honest.
I've known for a long time that my relationship with alcohol is not the same as many of the people I socialise with. I absolutely cannot just go to the pub and have a glass of wine, it just doesn't work! I carry on drinking until closing and then take the party home where there will always be a nice cold bottle of white wine waiting for me. These days I don't go out so much just on special occassions, the smoking ban kind of took the fun out of pub and club culture for me! I tend to do my drinking at home, not everyday, but more often than not every other day. The last time I drank was Sunday night and that was the best part of 2 bottles of wine, the hangover yesterday was enough for me not to want to entertain the idea last night, but tonight I have the craving. I was fine when I left work earlier this evening, I had thought about drinking tonight but I was so tired after a busy day that I thought I could go without, but then it got to about 10pm and I started to fidget and there was the anxious feeling that only a few glasses of nice cold wine could cure. But the shop closes in 30 mins so soon there will be nothing I can do about it, I just have to try and put it out of my head until then.
When I do drink I always start off with the best intensions, a couple of glasses and in bed before 11. But when I stop off at the shop I always buy 2 bottles of wine 'just incase' I fancy one more glass after the 1st bottle has gone, and I always end up finishing both bottles and sitting up until all hours, if I had more I'd finish that off as well! That's during the week, weekends this can run into a lot more. It's weird because I don't wake up craving alcohol and I don't really crave it during the day, not physically. But sometimes I do find myself sitting at my desk at work thinking about the fact that I'll be opening that bottle when I get home and it makes me feel happy, calm even.
It seems like more and more I plan my life around when I'll be drinking and when I won't, I always try to get drunk on a Saturday night so I won't feel the urge and drink on a Sunday night and that way I'll be fresh for work on Monday. A couple of days a week I have to travel for my job and it's an 160 mile round journey in the car, so I don't drink the night before I travel but mostly I will drink in the evening of the day I've travelled, my excuse on those occassions is 'why not? I deserve it I've had a hard day'. Sometimes I will meet friends at a restaurant on a Saturday for lunch, and I always try arrange to meet at the latest time that is decently possible for lunch because if I started drinking too early it would just get extremely messy by about 7pm in the evening.
Luckily I'm a very happy drunk, I love the world but I'm extremely moody when I'm hungover . If I'm going to have a row and go completely over the top then it's usually when I'm hungover, I try to keep this in check but the littlest things seem anger me when I'm feeling wretched and depressed after a heavy drinking session.
I have no idea when I started drinking this heavily, I'm 34 now. When I was in my late teens I used to go out to clubs and bars but I would drive most of the time as I wasn't earning a lot of money, I think it was when I moved out of home for the first time everything seemed to revolve around drinking, life was one long party. Even if I went back to my Mums house for the weekend there were always friends round and evenings at the pub, then drinks back at the house, it just became a normal part of everyday life and has escalated from there. Now I drink if I'm unhappy, I drink if something good happens, I drink if someone pisses me off, I drink to celebrate achievements. I know these are all excuses and that I'm just trying to justify my behaviour to myself and those around me.
I promise myself at least 3 times a week 'this is it no more drinking', especially when I can't remember how I got to bed, how I got home, or what happened throughout most of the evening, the blackouts can be terrible and it's scary missing so much of your life! I never keep these promises and once the hangover has faded I drink again usually within 48hrs. I have put myself in danger through my drinking, things that I couldn't bear to see written in front of me right now but it's all there in my head I just don't think about those times if I can help it, but I'm sure some of you have similar experiences and know the kind of things I'm talking about.
As much as I would like to I can't bring myself to say all of this to my boyfriend, my friends or my family, I'm scared to bring it out in the open, probably because I'm not ready to relinquish the one bit of control I feel I have over this problem. And I know you're all probably thinking I don't have control and that's the BIG problem, but to me it seems that as long as I can keep it together then everything is alright for the time being. I know things are only going to get worse and I know I'm never going to be able to crack this, but I'm scared of a life without drinking! That sounds so weak to me, but I'm afraid I won't know myself without it.
I'm so sorry for rambling!!! I was just inspired to get this out now while it was running through my head, I know if I left it until tomorrow it wouldn't happen. One thing I have promised myself though, I will definitely come back to this site and read up on all the supplements, medication and program suggestions. It's got to be a start, right?
I stumbled upon this site a few hours ago and I've spent the last few hours reading peoples stories, I can relate to so many of the experiences on here and it's kind of brought me down to earth with a bump if I'm honest.
I've known for a long time that my relationship with alcohol is not the same as many of the people I socialise with. I absolutely cannot just go to the pub and have a glass of wine, it just doesn't work! I carry on drinking until closing and then take the party home where there will always be a nice cold bottle of white wine waiting for me. These days I don't go out so much just on special occassions, the smoking ban kind of took the fun out of pub and club culture for me! I tend to do my drinking at home, not everyday, but more often than not every other day. The last time I drank was Sunday night and that was the best part of 2 bottles of wine, the hangover yesterday was enough for me not to want to entertain the idea last night, but tonight I have the craving. I was fine when I left work earlier this evening, I had thought about drinking tonight but I was so tired after a busy day that I thought I could go without, but then it got to about 10pm and I started to fidget and there was the anxious feeling that only a few glasses of nice cold wine could cure. But the shop closes in 30 mins so soon there will be nothing I can do about it, I just have to try and put it out of my head until then.
When I do drink I always start off with the best intensions, a couple of glasses and in bed before 11. But when I stop off at the shop I always buy 2 bottles of wine 'just incase' I fancy one more glass after the 1st bottle has gone, and I always end up finishing both bottles and sitting up until all hours, if I had more I'd finish that off as well! That's during the week, weekends this can run into a lot more. It's weird because I don't wake up craving alcohol and I don't really crave it during the day, not physically. But sometimes I do find myself sitting at my desk at work thinking about the fact that I'll be opening that bottle when I get home and it makes me feel happy, calm even.
It seems like more and more I plan my life around when I'll be drinking and when I won't, I always try to get drunk on a Saturday night so I won't feel the urge and drink on a Sunday night and that way I'll be fresh for work on Monday. A couple of days a week I have to travel for my job and it's an 160 mile round journey in the car, so I don't drink the night before I travel but mostly I will drink in the evening of the day I've travelled, my excuse on those occassions is 'why not? I deserve it I've had a hard day'. Sometimes I will meet friends at a restaurant on a Saturday for lunch, and I always try arrange to meet at the latest time that is decently possible for lunch because if I started drinking too early it would just get extremely messy by about 7pm in the evening.
Luckily I'm a very happy drunk, I love the world but I'm extremely moody when I'm hungover . If I'm going to have a row and go completely over the top then it's usually when I'm hungover, I try to keep this in check but the littlest things seem anger me when I'm feeling wretched and depressed after a heavy drinking session.
I have no idea when I started drinking this heavily, I'm 34 now. When I was in my late teens I used to go out to clubs and bars but I would drive most of the time as I wasn't earning a lot of money, I think it was when I moved out of home for the first time everything seemed to revolve around drinking, life was one long party. Even if I went back to my Mums house for the weekend there were always friends round and evenings at the pub, then drinks back at the house, it just became a normal part of everyday life and has escalated from there. Now I drink if I'm unhappy, I drink if something good happens, I drink if someone pisses me off, I drink to celebrate achievements. I know these are all excuses and that I'm just trying to justify my behaviour to myself and those around me.
I promise myself at least 3 times a week 'this is it no more drinking', especially when I can't remember how I got to bed, how I got home, or what happened throughout most of the evening, the blackouts can be terrible and it's scary missing so much of your life! I never keep these promises and once the hangover has faded I drink again usually within 48hrs. I have put myself in danger through my drinking, things that I couldn't bear to see written in front of me right now but it's all there in my head I just don't think about those times if I can help it, but I'm sure some of you have similar experiences and know the kind of things I'm talking about.
As much as I would like to I can't bring myself to say all of this to my boyfriend, my friends or my family, I'm scared to bring it out in the open, probably because I'm not ready to relinquish the one bit of control I feel I have over this problem. And I know you're all probably thinking I don't have control and that's the BIG problem, but to me it seems that as long as I can keep it together then everything is alright for the time being. I know things are only going to get worse and I know I'm never going to be able to crack this, but I'm scared of a life without drinking! That sounds so weak to me, but I'm afraid I won't know myself without it.
I'm so sorry for rambling!!! I was just inspired to get this out now while it was running through my head, I know if I left it until tomorrow it wouldn't happen. One thing I have promised myself though, I will definitely come back to this site and read up on all the supplements, medication and program suggestions. It's got to be a start, right?
Comment