My brain is killing me - HELP please

[adi]

As the subject says, my head is literally trying to kill me.
For people who haven't seen me post - lucky for you !

I have various problems in my life which I deal with, but lately with the amount of alcohol I have been drinking I have really f?ckd myself up with guilt
making myself feel even more ashamed and sick of myself
making family sick of me.

last week I sent an email to my mum telling her to fuc? off, some peed up reason I copied it to my sister, had them both crying on the phone, and tried to cover up the fact that I was upset, but he al made my reaction worse.

last night, after I persuaded my wife to buy me another bottle of wine, I shouted and cursed and hit the filing cabinet so many times my knuckles hurt now,

but I have sheepishly repaired all bridges, especially with my wife who doesn't deserve it.
(mum does)

I think I am on self destruct.
Reading posts here we all are until we are al-free.

I dream of buying alcohol - sad
I dream of blowing my brains out with a 12 bore shotgun
and I dream of sailing away on my old shitty boat.#

I won't do the last 2, perhaps I'm a coward.

sorry, this post is bad.
But now I have decided, whatever xmas frustrations, I have to be here for the children and my wife. Unless my liver has something to say about it.

[Angelcakes]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

Adi, I hate to state the obvious but you need to stop drinking (easier said than done- I know, believe me!) I just read a post by Ijustrealised in the 'Need Help ASAP' section...go read it, you could end up there but you have the chance to stop the cycle before it gets that bad.
Think about getting a plan together & starting with 30days AF.

xo

[shirazgirl]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

Hi Adi,
Okay, it's obvious that it's you vs. you. There is your monster addict that want to keep pulling you down this hell hole of destruction and there is your correct self, that rightfully so, wants to save your own life. Quite a battle, isn't it. It is my belief, that the more we continue to drink, the power begins to shift to the monster. It is not without resolve that our correct self has to rise up and gain control of the fight. It is difficult, but worth it.

We have ALL been to a place in our lives where al causes great shame and guilt. It is such a dark place and it is hard to reason why we continue to return. I think you know the way out of this profound cave. If it helps, I think at some point or another, especially after a night of binging and bad behavior/and or blackout, we have all considered offing ourselves. I can honestly tell you that the same thing happened to me.

Please take steps to win the fight. You sound like you have good family support. Some people here are alone. Make a plan, come here instead of drinking and try to save yourself. You are worth it!

[Hartley]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

Tough to know where to start with that one mate. All I'm qualified to point out is that it won't necessarily be the brain that's killing you but the alcohol undoubtedly is killing your brain. I'd do everything to wave a cheery fuck off to the booze. None of the rest of the problems will go away but at least you won't be tormenting yourself that you haven't dealt with each situation in a clear-headed way.

Sometimes the sheer mental effort involved in being an alcoholic is quite staggering. If we could apply such an unerring ability for digging massive shithole after shithole where none were entirely necessary, we'd probably leave a mark on history. And yet despite this huge creative talent to talk utter shite, the thought of giving up is just too tiring to comprehend. Better to leave it for another day, better to just hang on to the staus quo. Except it's not a status quo because the more we abuse, the more abusive we become and the more people who do care for us move past the point of caring in an effort to preserve their own sanity.

I don't know you, I don't know your situation. I can empathize because there is a striking similarity and common behaviour pattern in all us addicts.

I've been trying to turn this round for a good few years. Everytime I fail, I get right back up and start again because I know that I'm an addict and all my fears, anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt etc.flood through me because of my drinking. Giving up alcohol won't necessarily cure me of what AA calls "alcoholic thinking" overnight, but when I'm clean, I grow more and more comfortable in my own skin.

Try it mate. I mean really try it. You'll feel so much better in yourself and that will help you focus on what needs to be done to start repairing the rest of you and those around you.

Take care.

[~EVA~]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

OK adi~
I'm not reading what anyone else wrote in response till I submit(I'm like that).

I was (probably can be/still capable of) being you. I'm an only child so no sibling involved which might be a worse off situation-my mother had no one to talk to when I spewed my evil. But I have told my mother off quite a few times. Now being a mother of an 11 yr old girl w/attitudes, a mother's love will never die. You may pain her, make her cry but she will never hate or disown you...no matter how old. After so many yrs of tring to get sober my mother & i fought so many times she never gave up on me. She hated me at times, yelled at me, cursed the alcohol but never gave up on me. Like you, u asked my hubby to buy me booze in order for me to function when I detoxed.

Can you put trust in a stranger? Then trust me. I was here many moons ago and now I'm back with a vengence. Take the booze away & it does get better. It's not easy at first. I'm being honest. But it does get better. I'm not an expert by all means because you see I'm trying once again. I'm trying because I had seen that it was good till I blew it. I want it again. I want to be happy.
The shame goes away and the smiles take over one day at a time. You can do it. Each day gets better. Trust me.

Keep the faith.

[startingover]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

Hi Andrew you have received lots of great advice and support from the others so I dont have much more to add. Just that when I was drinking, like you I was unpredictable, unhappy and seemingly forever building bridges.
Would you be interested in trying counselling? I tired that along with anti depressanta and a few other things (support, supplements etc) and it really helped me. I have hit another low point in my life so am going back to counselling to try and sort it.
This is where I found my counsellor.
Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You
Take good care buddy.

[mario]

My brain is killing me - HELP please

Andrew, The brain is not killing you the alcohol is.You have gotten some great advice from above, You need to act for yourself,its up to you to help yourself first,when people see you doing that they will get in behind you.Go and seek professional help and of course we are always here to support you.Go for it andrew, for yourself.
ps answered your pm,:-)