teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

[Liath]

I imagine I am not the only one who, in the early stages of recovery, is trying to figure out how in the world I ended up with this problem when so many others have grown out of the binge drinking 'stage' that is common in highschool and college age kids. I am reading a tremendous book entitled, "Happy Hours. Alcohol in a Womans life." by Devon Jersild and it his helping me to understand how my drinking has evolved since then and why I have so few other coping mechanisms to deal with life.

"Twenty-five percent of students, however, come to college with a family history of alcoholism. They enter a culture in which abusive drinking is taken for granted...........
Those who are in any way predisposed to alcohol dependency, whether through genetic vulnerability, a history of trauma, or a lack of confidence which makes it difficult to resist social pressure to drink, and those who find in alcohol relief from internal and external pressures, may remember their college drinking as something that started out fun but led to tremendous suffering. " p. 100

"When teenagers rely on alcohol or drugs to ease anxiety, they lose the opportunity to develop healthy strategies for managing mood swings and making friends, and to develop skills that lead to sturdy self-confidence." p. 107

I invite any thoughts readers of this thread may have on these quotes. It really helps me, personally, to understand WHY I turned to AL with such fervor, WHY I have almost let it ruin me, WHY I can't seem to cope with life without it. I have to believe that there is a more complex reason then that I am simply weak, foolish, an addict.. or whatever. I am an intelligent person, yet I walked down this road, one step at a time. Here I am 33 years old, trying to pick up the pieces.

Thoughts anyone?:h

Oh yeah, apparently a Catholic upbringing is also associated with heavy drinking in girls.. I guess I have that going against me as well. Not to mention the cultural influences of growing up in WI. The list grows longer...

[dancelot]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath;776757 wrote:

"Twenty-five percent of students, however, come to college with a family history of alcoholism. They enter a culture in which abusive drinking is taken for granted...........
Those who are in any way predisposed to alcohol dependency, whether through genetic vulnerability, a history of trauma, or a lack of confidence which makes it difficult to resist social pressure to drink, and those who find in alcohol relief from internal and external pressures, may remember their college drinking as something that started out fun but led to tremendous suffering. " p. 100

"When teenagers rely on alcohol or drugs to ease anxiety, they lose the opportunity to develop healthy strategies for managing mood swings and making friends, and to develop skills that lead to sturdy self-confidence." p. 107

That explains a lot - it sounds like me exactly. One of my insights after becoming AF was I have the coping skills of an 18 year old sometimes. At age 54, I'm having to learn how to deal with everything sober (I wasn't usually drinking during the day, but I ALWAYS had my so called "reward" waiting at night). Having some degree of hangover every day obviously didn't help.

The drinking age where I live was lowered to 18 the week I went to college. This was during the Vietnam war, and there was a saying, if they're old enough to go to Vietnam, they're old enough to have a beer, or something to that effect. One time I was talking to a girl in my dorm, and said, let's go get a beer, and she replied that she had given it up permanently, she had had a serious drinking problem and could no longer have it in her life. Even then that idea of never drinking again was inconceivable, disturbing even. This was when I was 18! Even then I couldn't imagine living without it.

I did drink before the legal age, I had older friends who would buy it for me, or sometimes even my parents (my alcoholic dad trying to teach me to be a responsible drinker?). I was also genetically predisposed to alcoholism and knew it, but drank anyway.

Thanks for posting Liath. :h

[ultrabunny]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

I put most of my drinking down to issues with my dad and step mum from when I was a teenager. To cut a long story short, my dad went from being a loving attentive dad to finding a new love and family and losing interest in me. My step mum just didn't seem to like me much to make matters worse. For an example, they took her 2 boys to Disney World 2 or 3 times and I was never asked if I wanted to go. I was just shut out.

It wasn't until I was trying to deal with my drinking problems about 7 years ago that I realised there was a hurt and angry teenager who didn't like herself very much inside me.

The way I dealt with that was either to drink, not eat or run marathons or do Ironman triathlons to try and prove that I was good enough. Most of the time I did all three.

I am at a point in my life now that I am not drinking, eating normally and I have just pulled out of a huge triathlon that involved swimming the English Channel!! It has to stop, I'm not even sure who I'm trying to prove anything to anymore... me, my dad, my last crappy ex...??

All I know now is that to get some peace, I have to stop and just 'be' for a bit. No more distractions, just try and learn to love me without the booze, big triathlons and eating problems.

[TranqWilly]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Hi Liath.

Interesting post... um I not a college girl, or even a girl. But I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I drink too. I've come to realize I'll never know for sure. I lost my dad young - turned to drugs in high school - drinking became a legal/'normal' alternative.

But I've come to reason that I'll never know what the exact causes are, and it just takes too much work to figure it out. Even if I did "figure it out", I still might not have an answer for how to "fix it". I guess I'm not smart enough to know what to do about some obscure trauma that happened when I was three, or six, or thirteen, and how that knowledge would translate to me drinking today. I finally realized that I was making the idea of "fixing myself" a pre-requisite to dealing with the al problem - which kept me binge-ing a lot longer. I can't change the past - the cards have been dealt - I can only try to figure out the best thing to do right now.

So I'm not saying that it doesn't help to know yourself and learn about yourself relative to al. What I've come to understand about me is simply that past circumstances, and my reactions to them have "conditioned" me to want to deal with emotions, problems, boredom, joy etc by drinking. I sense that it was an escape from feeling anything, or part of an identity I thought was necessary to hold. Dealing with al, and being af has made me realize (this time) that I need to deal with life and reality instead of finding a way to avoid it. Just like what Dancealot said.

In past quits, I think I always held on to the notion that something was missing in my life that al was fulfilling. It's funny that the more I understand about this now, the less inclined I am to drink. It takes some time and effort, but it's worthwhile to understand what's floating your boat today, in light of your past. But the past is what it is - I'm where I am because of the past, but there's nothing I can do to change that now.

I've learned to use reading, journaling and meditation/awareness to recognize my feelings and understand how I can choose to deal with them. It helps to stop listening to and believing that voice in my head or feeling in my gut that says I "have to drink", because I've learned that I can choose otherwise. And doing so (lifting the fog of al) makes all the other stuff a lot easier to understand.

Not sure I've answered your question. I will say that I'm grateful to mwo for giving me the space to go af and learn about myself. I like what ultrabunny said - "learn to love me without the booze..." and everything else. Yeah, that's it!

Take care.
tw

[IAD]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

[I]Liath.........By hanging around with " Teenage Boys, College men and AL". Ha! You can change that expirence.......stop and and get help here or anywhere you can. IAD /I]

[mighty mouse]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

TW, Love everything you expressed...so true for me too. We all have a past we can blame but only we have the keys for our future or potential future.

You are a wise one. thank you, MM

[Liath]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

For me it is helpful to discern why I would want this escape so badly because the person I have been blaming is myself. Then again, there is quite a bit of evidence out there implying that men and women drink for different reasons, and can benefit from different recovery strategies.

I am also looking forward. Four days AF!!! And beginning #5. I feel great!

[dancelot]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath - Keep looking forward - that's great on 4 days AF! Understanding ourselves and why we drink (or drank) is important - sometimes we're still listening to voices from long ago, even reacting as we did when we were very young and had no control over our environment. A lot of us used alcohol rather than positive coping mechanisms to deal with stresses, from major ones to fairly minor ones such as shyness. I have found knowing, even when I can't fix a problem immediately, is a step in the right direction. Well, any step away from AL is a positive one in my mind. AL is only a temporary fix, but fixes nothing, just covers up our pain temporarily. Meanwhile the problem grows and grows.

Keep sticking with it, it gets easier and you will feel better and better! :h

[TranqWilly]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath, great job on 5 days!

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you're wrong in any way. I do understand where you're coming from and recognize men and women process things differently. You are a very wise person to commit to learning about yourself more and more as you become af. I was just trying to share what's helped me, as we're all in the same boat -- but if I were an expert I wouldn't be here with you would I?

You said "because the person I have been blaming is myself". The "blame" bit is a little counter-productive. I'm always wary of myself getting caught-up in the trap of thinking something is "wrong" with me, and that's why I drink. It's kind of like a chicken-egg thing -- is it me, or is it al causing me to drink and causing my problems? I choose to blame al.

Like I said, I lost my dad young, and I think my mom was overwhelmed with life - leaving me a little out in the cold for someone to turn to. Neither of my parents drank much. Also, in my dad's death I felt suddenly different from other kids, not understanding why this happened to me; god abandoned me... So what's this - unprocessed grief? shame for being different? Clearly I didn't have the emotional tools or support to deal with the overwhelming pain. Drugs became an easy escape for me, and later I guess that shifted to al.

Later in life, my younger brother checked himself out of life. So he didn't make it and I did. Do I have survivor's remorse?

How about an empty, un-fulfilling marriage? Being raised by nuns (catholic grade school)? I could go on and on. The question is, how do I put my finger on something? And even if I could, I can't change it. Yes, I can understand how these things may have influenced me in the past, and have colored my psyche to a large degree, but it's hard to say that I still drink because of mean nuns, or 40 years of grieving.

Bad stuff happens to everyone at some point in their life, and we react to protect ourselves or deal with the emotional pain or damage. There's some value in knowing where I came from, for sure, but it's become more important to me to understand what's happening inside now, and dealing with it. There's no blame - life just happens and we adapt to it. Reacting badly to trauma is "normal"! When life hurts, even a little bit, we seek to resolve the pain. I've found it's too easy to get stuck in self-pity. Maybe a shrink could help me figure it out, but I don't have ten years to sit in therapy to let him/her take their guesses. The biggest problem from my past is my reliance on al, so that's what I'm working on understanding now.

Again, sorry, I didn't mean to side-track your purpose. I'm interested in understanding my past, but don't really understand how to make sense out of it. Any ideas? None the less, anyway we can understand ourselves better is a plus. Keep it up. You're doing great. I'll keep my "male perspective" on the side now. ;]

Take care.
tw

[LVT25]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Thanks for starting this interesting thread, Liath. I'm def going to check out that book. I started drinking at a young age--14--and pretty much continued on throughout college and young adulthood. When I had my kids I continued to drink to excess. One of the reasons I felt I had to give it up was to be a better parent. I was beginning to realize the "do what I say, not what I do" theory was not going to cut it. My husband drinks too much, and with a teenage son in the house, one of us has to be aware of what is going on.

I also joined a community organization that is addressing underage drinking, and the science behind drinking in adolescents is really quite interesting! When I was in college a new friend died during the night the first month of school. There were rumors it was an alcohol overdose, or he choked on his own vomit, or he mixed alcohol with the pain pills he was taking for a knee injury. Back then (1980) it was swept under the rug instead of used as learning experience for college students.

I think the more educated we are on alcohol addiction and abuse, the better future we can help to provide for our children!

[sunnyside]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath,

I too will want to pick up that book, interesting... I think from reading through this thread and the comments that writing our thoughts, sharing with others is therapy in itself. I am on Day 7 and I am starting to see so clearly it's not even funny.

I often try to understand why I have a problem, I know it's part hereditary, part learned, part fitting in, part dealing with stress, but pinpointing it will never happen. I think it has been so long - I started at about 15 too, now 46 - that it is A WAY OF LIFE - the good and the bad all rolled in together. It's just now that I am seeing the bad far outweighs the good. Just last night inner Party Girl tried to convince myself that the holidays are going to stink without wine, that I should try again after the holidays. Why did I think that?

When I say a way of life I think we are SO conditioned to drink at certain times - of course my list is long. It started as weekends in high school, college added Thursday night 50 cent drink night, then Wednesdays start the weekend really and Sunday technically is still the weekend. Of course holidays, birthdays, snow days, dinner out. Then there's the over stressed days, the drinking friend is in from out of town, vacations, even election day! All reasons to drink! All of these things are associated with alcohol for us. How can we now do just about EVERYTHING without it? I just have to focus on the bad. I keep replaying the worst things I have said and did in my life and typing out all of this...

I am so inspired by all of you and your thoughts, if I had a large vino in one hand spilling over the edge I'd be slurring, I love you guys! But, I am a little more reserved sober, so a sincere thank you...

Sunnyside

[redhibiscus]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath,
Thanks for the thought provoking post. You are an analyzer, and I appreciate your efforts to understand the whys of drinking. All I know is that I fit alot of the reasons you stated, but bottom line, I need to stop drinking or I'll die. It is that simple for me.

It is so important to have a plan that works for each individual. AA is great, but some people don't like the powerlessness piece of it. So, MWO is another way to become sober, the Sinclair method helps others, Antabuse, etc. We all need to continue to search our way to being AF.

Reading the posts from people all over the world, we are a wonderful group, caring, interesting, hard working......just have a horrible addiction that has affected our lives. I appreciate everyone's contribution and learn something that helps me on my journey. Strength and hope directed to all.

[gyco]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Liath;776757 wrote: I imagine I am not the only one who, in the early stages of recovery, is trying to figure out how in the world I ended up with this problem when so many others have grown out of the binge drinking 'stage' that is common in highschool and college age kids. I am reading a tremendous book entitled, "Happy Hours. Alcohol in a Womans life." by Devon Jersild and it his helping me to understand how my drinking has evolved since then and why I have so few other coping mechanisms to deal with life.

"Twenty-five percent of students, however, come to college with a family history of alcoholism. They enter a culture in which abusive drinking is taken for granted...........
Those who are in any way predisposed to alcohol dependency, whether through genetic vulnerability, a history of trauma, or a lack of confidence which makes it difficult to resist social pressure to drink, and those who find in alcohol relief from internal and external pressures, may remember their college drinking as something that started out fun but led to tremendous suffering. " p. 100

"When teenagers rely on alcohol or drugs to ease anxiety, they lose the opportunity to develop healthy strategies for managing mood swings and making friends, and to develop skills that lead to sturdy self-confidence." p. 107

I invite any thoughts readers of this thread may have on these quotes. It really helps me, personally, to understand WHY I turned to AL with such fervor, WHY I have almost let it ruin me, WHY I can't seem to cope with life without it. I have to believe that there is a more complex reason then that I am simply weak, foolish, an addict.. or whatever. I am an intelligent person, yet I walked down this road, one step at a time. Here I am 33 years old, trying to pick up the pieces.

Thoughts anyone?:h

Oh yeah, apparently a Catholic upbringing is also associated with heavy drinking in girls.. I guess I have that going against me as well. Not to mention the cultural influences of growing up in WI. The list grows longer...

hi liath ,welcome to mwo,i happen to see your thread 1st, and tht id indulge,youve already figured it out,you inherited this nemesis you talk of,from birth,i beleive tht is so,its passed down from generations,mt even skip some generations,its all in the chemistry of your body,i dont remember 33,it didnt strike me then yet,45 was when hell broke loose,up to then i drank like everyone else,on occasion to much,drank every day,mostly moderately for 29 years,i took everything in from everyone else, for most of my life,friends, peers,wife ,siblings,and even my kids,the mind said enough, and broke,i ended up being diagnosed with panic disorder.aka [panic attacks]depression,new stuff,ssri s,anti depressants,psychiatrists,many,hospital stays,just like having al,in a different way,numb,i beleive the Al didnt help the pain anymore,feel fortunate you caught it young,ten years later i was committed to an institution,found out life as we were tot,or i was tot,was a lie,reprogrammed,only took a week for me to figure out i didnt want to be hospitalised,menatal hosp.,sanitarium was on the front of the building,along with health facility,you chose what the place was,i got it quite quickly,many didnt and had to stay longer,31 day all expenses paid,and im still trying to figure it out,not really,i no the answer,if you cant just stop,your not necessarily alchoholic,you have an alcohol problem,you shouldn't drink,chances are in everything you do you over achieve,over do it,as you said you are intelligent,are you intelligent enuf to figure,you just cant drink like normal people,hope it helps,writing you has helped me for this day,knowing someone else is struggling,and if you hear one thing that mt help,is a blessing, gyco

[Liath]

teenage girls, college women and AL, how did we get here?

Thanks for everyone's imput. Here it is Sunday night and I have not drank for 7 days. I was able to help my sister when her car broke down, get all my christmas shopping done and more. I am looking forward to a holiday where I don't have to worry about getting too drunk... or being too hungover to enjoy my family. I have been busy, but still with you all!

Seven days!