Hello everyone
I've been lurking quite a while on the site and after reading a lot of posts (which have been a big help and encouragement to me) I am not even sure if I should be posting on here.
I have been a very heavy drinker for some years, drinking most days, then for the last few years drinking pretty much every day (and for the last 18 months, definitely every single day). My father is an alcoholic, and I certainly seem to have inherited his ability to drink large amounts of alcohol.... because I seemed to lack the will power to stop after one drink, or one bottle, like other people seem to, I just assume I am an alcoholic as well. I am confused though, because although for some years I would always open a second bottle of wine (and drink at least 1/4 of it, sometimes 3/4 of it, rarely the whole lot), I used to open the _first_ bottle out of habit, not out of craving. (Oh of course, sometimes after a big day at work, like so many people, I might come home and say "I NEED a drink!") but in general I opened it because I knew I would enjoy the relaxing swimmy feeling, not because I just had to. I hope I am explaining myself. Please, I am not making excuses for why I drank, I am just trying to be really honest.
But then last year one of my sons, who has been a barely-functioning alcoholic for some years (he can't work, he just sits there drinking all day) decided he would stop. He instantly had a serious bout of psychosis where he hallucinated really badly for days. He was taken to hospital by police after being picked up in the street. He was kept in for a couple of days, did not disclose the fact that he was an alcoholic, they sent him home and a couple of days later he had an epileptic fit. This time he got some counselling, but within a few weeks he was back on the booze again.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I read up a huge amount when he was so ill, and realised that I am caught in a similar trap. For the last year, I have been utterly sick of drinking every night, and really wanting to stop, believe me. While his drinking habits and mine are absolutely different (I drink only after 9pm at night and hold down a fairly high powered job, he drinks all day and cannot or will not work because he won't try to give up) I am terrified to give up for fear of something similar happening to me.
I decided about 6 months ago, when I first strarted reading posts on this site, to cut back gradually. I tried the doctor but she refused medications and wanted to put me in detox. Not an option for me, I am the breadwinner here. I can't buy some of the supps (Kudzo, for a start) so I decided I have to go this alone. Since the middle of the year I have been making conscious efforts to cut down, and I have cut back gradually with the ultimate aim of stopping completely by 1 Jan. (Just because it will be a nice point at which to stop totally and change my life). I have been doing it really determinedly over the last month, so I have now gone from drinking just one bottle a night, now for over two weeks have been drinking just one third of a bottle each night. Last night I started cutting down to having only one ordinary 'pub' measure, just one ordinary glass which I reckon is about 1/4 of a bottle, or maybe 1/5. Anyway my point is that I am trying to do it really gradually so I don't risk having a seizure which is what I am so scared about.
I am really a bit frustrated because I would really like to just stop now, and not have anymore because I have just had enough of this! I have been so lucky in that I have not had one single symptom of withdrawal at all, and no cravings at all. I did read the piece about tapering, but I can't face the taste of beer so that is why I am trying to do it this way.
This is why I am worried that you will not really want me on this site, but I do hope that nobody is offended about me posting as I really would like some advice and support, and I am nervous about how I will be once I really have given up completely.
Mandalay
I've been lurking quite a while on the site and after reading a lot of posts (which have been a big help and encouragement to me) I am not even sure if I should be posting on here.
I have been a very heavy drinker for some years, drinking most days, then for the last few years drinking pretty much every day (and for the last 18 months, definitely every single day). My father is an alcoholic, and I certainly seem to have inherited his ability to drink large amounts of alcohol.... because I seemed to lack the will power to stop after one drink, or one bottle, like other people seem to, I just assume I am an alcoholic as well. I am confused though, because although for some years I would always open a second bottle of wine (and drink at least 1/4 of it, sometimes 3/4 of it, rarely the whole lot), I used to open the _first_ bottle out of habit, not out of craving. (Oh of course, sometimes after a big day at work, like so many people, I might come home and say "I NEED a drink!") but in general I opened it because I knew I would enjoy the relaxing swimmy feeling, not because I just had to. I hope I am explaining myself. Please, I am not making excuses for why I drank, I am just trying to be really honest.
But then last year one of my sons, who has been a barely-functioning alcoholic for some years (he can't work, he just sits there drinking all day) decided he would stop. He instantly had a serious bout of psychosis where he hallucinated really badly for days. He was taken to hospital by police after being picked up in the street. He was kept in for a couple of days, did not disclose the fact that he was an alcoholic, they sent him home and a couple of days later he had an epileptic fit. This time he got some counselling, but within a few weeks he was back on the booze again.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I read up a huge amount when he was so ill, and realised that I am caught in a similar trap. For the last year, I have been utterly sick of drinking every night, and really wanting to stop, believe me. While his drinking habits and mine are absolutely different (I drink only after 9pm at night and hold down a fairly high powered job, he drinks all day and cannot or will not work because he won't try to give up) I am terrified to give up for fear of something similar happening to me.
I decided about 6 months ago, when I first strarted reading posts on this site, to cut back gradually. I tried the doctor but she refused medications and wanted to put me in detox. Not an option for me, I am the breadwinner here. I can't buy some of the supps (Kudzo, for a start) so I decided I have to go this alone. Since the middle of the year I have been making conscious efforts to cut down, and I have cut back gradually with the ultimate aim of stopping completely by 1 Jan. (Just because it will be a nice point at which to stop totally and change my life). I have been doing it really determinedly over the last month, so I have now gone from drinking just one bottle a night, now for over two weeks have been drinking just one third of a bottle each night. Last night I started cutting down to having only one ordinary 'pub' measure, just one ordinary glass which I reckon is about 1/4 of a bottle, or maybe 1/5. Anyway my point is that I am trying to do it really gradually so I don't risk having a seizure which is what I am so scared about.
I am really a bit frustrated because I would really like to just stop now, and not have anymore because I have just had enough of this! I have been so lucky in that I have not had one single symptom of withdrawal at all, and no cravings at all. I did read the piece about tapering, but I can't face the taste of beer so that is why I am trying to do it this way.
This is why I am worried that you will not really want me on this site, but I do hope that nobody is offended about me posting as I really would like some advice and support, and I am nervous about how I will be once I really have given up completely.
Mandalay
Comment