What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

[MauMcL]

Hey everybody. Day #3 AF! Yay for me. Yay for us!

Anyway, how have people handled the situation of spouses/partners/significant others drinking when we want to stop? My husband is a wine drinker (usually every day). He can drink a bottle or less, it never changes his personality one iota, and I have never seen him hungover. Interesting, huh?

He knows my situation, of course, but I also can tell he has no plans of stopping as part of his "being supportive." Pretty much everyone I hang with drinks most of them are moderate drinkers/social drinkers. Anyway, so last night we went out for Japanese food -- he had sake -- I did not. I just hope this does not become an issue in the sense that he will eventually be a super huge turn-off. I do not want to think that in addition to giving up alcohol, I have to find "all new friends." It just isn't going to work like that as I am 49 and my husband is 52. Our friends are really close to us.

I don't think anyone sees me as having a "problem" anymore than a few other people in the group who could be labelled with same. We sort of take turns "overdoing" it. But I think I've explained before, I have had enough. I don't know where they all stand with it, and I'm not ready to make any pronoucements about my sobriety or AF attempts just yet. I'm kind of private about that sort of stuff. I have other friends who chose to be very public about it...I am not comfortable with that path.

So, any ideas/experiences/insights? I know no one has all the answers, but what is so cool here is the sharing. Sometimes someone writes something and you can REALLY relate, it pushes a button, and makes you feel like YES 'I get it.'

Thanks, all.

[Aroundtwit]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

Hello,

I have two responses to this when I have stopped drinking through choice and my other half hasn`t I asked him whether he could delay his drinking until I went to bed which he has always respected and as he isn`t dependant upon alcohol he was quite prepared to wait and my second response is know that I am no longer able to drink due to the damage I have done to my liver I couldn`t care how much or how long he drinks for as long as it isn`t me drinking it, I hope this helps some.

[mario]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

hi maumcl,
The process you are now going through is one where you take back control of your life. The things you do and achieve are now within your choice. You need to seek and find the power within you and realise that you are no longer a like a leaf blown by the wind.you will find that most of your good friends will be very supportive and after a while you/they wont even notice,you can have just as much fun,re your partner, when i stopped my partner still drank but not as much and now she has cut down dramatically and that's without any pressure from me,when other people see how good you are and feeling,its like a big positive ribble in a lake and it spreads out.goodluck keep posting we are all behind you.


"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them,,george bernard shaw

[savon19]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

HI Mau -

That's a tough one. But what if you said to your friends you're just "taking a break" from AL for health or weight reasons - and that's ONLY if they ask. This time of year LOTS are making resolutions, so it won't seem so odd. As long as you don't judge them about drinking, I would think they wouldn't care...

Just don't make a big deal of it. Keep your glass full of something non-al, so they won't be trying to give it to you. As Mario said, have fun & enjoy your friends - that's what they should really care about...

It Would be nice if your husband didn't drink around you - at least in the beginning...

Good luck!

[Tulipe]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

I think people don't really notice, actually, if one person doesn't drink. Excuses are so easy to make, or just "I don't feel like it tonight" seems to work well. People seem to be the same with me if I drink or not, and if I don't I remember everything, which is nice.
Good for you for taking control of your own health and life.
Best to you,
Tulipe

[LVT25]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

Hello mau.

Well, it's not easy. But it can be done. My hubby and I were drinking buddies, and I quit over a year ago and he still drinks....alot. It is a source of irritation for me to see him under the influence, but this was my choice. I choose to do more things with my sons now, am ABLE to go places without having to worry about driving drunk and basically feel better about myself.
What the others have said above is very true as well. Some of my friends were curious at first about me not drinking, but now they don't seem to notice. I feel like I chose a great time to quit because most of my friends are very involved with other things like grand kids.
If you truly are done...then make the best of it. It really is a great lifestyle...alcohol is so over-rated in our society. Why do we drink something that makes us feel like crap willingly? I do believe the MWO is a great program, including the cd's. It is hard to explain, but once you get some AF time under your belt, you will know what I am talking about.
Something else I have realized (I recently started seeing a counselor) is that I have been living my life the way I think others (my hubby) want me to be, not necessarily the way I think it should be. Now, I need to figure out how to be my own person. It's kind of fun rediscovering who I am...because I spent so much of the last 30 years under the influence or with some form of a hangover, I really didn't know....

[MauMcL]

What To Do When Spouse is NOT Stopping But You Are...

Wow, I would like to thank each and every one of you who responded. You each gave me a gift today -- something to hold onto and think about and integrate.

My husband is not going to stop drinking because of my desire to unfortunately. I know how he thinks. He will say I am imposing my problem on to him. So much for 23 years of marriage, huh? I guess that's where we've come to.

Another reason I want to stop drinking is because I HATE our dynamic when drinking...I can't remember when this started but we now get so incredibly nasty with one another when under the influence. Now, I will be able to have a clearer "read" as to what is going on.

It's not going to be easy -- I know this -- and I'm not sure where it will ultimately lead him & I, but I know that I need and want to be AF.

As for my friends, you are all correct. I don't think they will really mind that much one way or the other. I plan on just saying I'm giving my liver a break and detoxing which will not surprise them as I am very holistically bent. I do know that a few of them also "overdo" it now and again...I've been there when it's happened!

I look forward to "knowing what it feels like" a few months from now. I really do. I have a lot of hobbies I want to pursue and things I enjoy doing. There are certain things that are going to be tough to do totally sober for the first time such as when we have our "dinner nights" with our circle of friends...Usually a lot of wine gets consumed and being the only one declining will be interesting. But I think I have enough going for me, at least I hope I do, that I am only cool, fun, and interesting when under the influence

In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite. It's probably when I'm the least interesting. LOL.

Love to you all,
MauMcL