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**JackieClaire** · January 3, 2010, 03:33 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

:welcome: Georgie Girl,

Please believe me when I say we have walked in your shoes at one time or another.

You've made a huge step today just by reaching out and asking for help.

Make a plan for yourself. Have a look in the tool box to get some ideas

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

You're not alone anymore.

Keep reading,keep posting. Lets us know how you're getting along. Ask any questions. If one person doesn't know there'll be some one who does.

J x

:l

**Marshy** · January 3, 2010, 03:35 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Welcome Georgie Girl!

Have you considered counselling? I found that helped me to confront a few issues.

Also, of course, the booze makes us feel worse about ourselves. When you stop drinking, you start to feel better mentally and physically.

For me, stopping the damaging behaviour came first, then I could start to figure it out. If I'd tried to figure it all out before I stopped drinking... I'd still be drinking.

What's your plan?

**Georgie Girl** · January 3, 2010, 03:40 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

The only 'plan' I have is to NOT drink anymore. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I quit for a couple of months last spring, but DH drinks and he'd try to get me to just drink a 'little' here and there and the next thing you know, I'm back to hiding the empties and trying to look sober when I'm smashed. You know the drill.
I don't have a plan yet because this is my first day to not drink since last summer. I'm excited, but also just SOOOO fed up with myself.
I have been through counseling at 2 different times, for considerable time both times. What I REALLY need is some help changing how I respond to stresses, etc. I know what my issues are, I just need help trying to change from old behaviors. I know, good luck.
Thanks for the help and comments. I know I can do this, but it's scary. Why does change always have to be so overwhelming?
GG

**greeneyes** · January 3, 2010, 03:40 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Hi georgie and a big welcome! I too, think that it may be a good idea to get some AF (alcohol free) time in before you figure out the why part. When you look at yourself, it's best to do it thorough clear eyes not the blurry haze of alcohol. IMHO.

**Zeppie2** · January 3, 2010, 03:42 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Welcome Georgie girl

**Gold** · January 3, 2010, 03:50 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Hi Georgie Girl and welcome,

You're certainly not alone!

We are not born hating ourselves, so somewhere along the line we have placed more importance on the opinions and judgements of others in relation to ourselves, and I guess in many if not most cases that begins in childhood when we accept without question what is reflected back to us.

To protect ourselves perfectionism can set in which then becomes a standard against which we continually fail.

I certainly know that drinking alcohol to ease emotional pain seems to help, but its overuse cannot be said to be an act of care and love to oneself given the misery and disgust it stirs up.

I would say that most people have emotional patterns and beliefs about themselves that are not the truth, and those things need to be released. I haven't used them myself, although I have used something similar, but the hynotherapy CD's especially the clearing ones can be very good in releasing unhelpful beliefs and attitudes toward yourself.

If you followed the programme here it would be a start in valuing yourself and your happiness, and you would build on that more and more as so many here have. You would begin to see the real you and like that person.

**Marshy** · January 3, 2010, 03:53 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Georgie Girl;784807 wrote: What I REALLY need is some help changing how I respond to stresses, etc.

Have a look at the tool box link that JackieClaire posted above. There are some good tips in there.

**happydays** · January 3, 2010, 04:12 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

I understand

Hi Georgia Girl, I completly understand where you are adn where you are coming from. when I made my original post in October / november I don't think I was really ready - and at that piont even though my drinking was bad, my husband did not really know about the full problem. Well, over the past 6 weeks he discovered a little more - found me very drunk after me being home alone - or when he came out of the shower and I managed to down a lot of wine in a little time - 3x he was so mad he had me sleep in the guest room and locked our bedroom door. I hated every minute of it, was embarressed, mad at myself, mad at him - and on his end no telling what he was thinking - I know he was pissed off, lost trust in me, and probably wondering "who did I marry??" In my mind and what I kept telling him was I could control it - limit it to 1 glass, no alcohol in the house etc. Well, New Year's Eve was the final straw. I knew I was going on a 30 day AF free binge, so I thought I could sneak my last drunken night - did not work. I woke up ashamed, mad, etc. I decided to write him a letter. Not an appology letter because I had already said I was sorry 3 or 4 times in the past month, but instead "I recognize I am not in a good place, addiction runs in my family, I need help, and I am going to stop." So far I have been AF free fro 2 days and going on 3 because there is no wine in the house. It has been a really good feeling. He has been very supportive and forgiving. One thing I think I may have even realized is that while I was drinking I was thinking something was wrong with my marriage and I drank to "get away" - well even though it has only been 2 nights, I realize that the drinking is what was wrong with my marriage. So - I know it is challenging, but really making the decision not to drink is priority number one. I know I need to do this for myself, my marriage and my daughter. Decide why you want to do it and do it. The worst is hiding it - I really think you drink more when trying to hide it - just because you want it away with and gone, you don't want anyone else to find out about the problem. And for me the worst is that from an outsiders perspective no one would think of me to have a problem like this. I think so many people struggle with more than we know. Thanks for MYO,I don;t think I could be doing this without reading the other woman's stories who have or do struggle with the same thing. Sorry for the long post.

Good Luck

**Georgie Girl** · January 3, 2010, 04:16 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Thanks everyone for the advice and welcome. I think I'll feel better tomorrow; I was raging drunk last night and I am still in The Awful Place. I am DETERMINED to not give into this again. I can't keep going this way. The lies, the subversion, etc. You know the drill.
I was checking out the Toolbox and am thinking of what my plan will be. I did fine before, I was determined to not drink again, but DH wore me down - and I let him - so that is what I need to be strong against.
Thanks so much for the kind words and support. I truly appreciate it. I have no one else to talk to about this - I still can't believe I am 'talking' to y'all now!
GG

**Georgie Girl** · January 3, 2010, 04:20 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Oh, yes, Happy Days - buy it, guzzle it to get rid of it while vowing to not do it again, but inside you know you will.
Shame is the basis for all this - ashamed I am here, ashamed I can't seem to do anything to control it, shame at my behaivor, etc. Perhaps tomorrow it will be better and I will feel better about myself and what I have to do. Thanks again.
GG

**Popeye** · January 3, 2010, 04:51 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Hi Georgie Girl, and welcome.
You asked how you can work out why you hate yourself. I tried working that out to and came to the conclusion that I couldn't and that the thing to focus on was what could I do to make myself start to like myself again.
Apart from the more obvious benefits of life without alcohol, like a clean liver, no hangovers and a clearer than usual conscience, drinking always accentuated the negative thoughts and emotions in me and getting a grip of that problem has helped me to see things in their proper light, not one tinted black or blue by my over-active, drunken brain. I've always had problems with wanting to be accepted but I neglected to make myself acceptable to me.
I've had to take time; sober time, to evaluate the way I feel about many things and it's not all pretty, but it's always been honest and real and I couldn't deal with problems if I didn't know what I'd done or said, but now I can. I'm so much calmer and though I do still get angry, it's only occasionally, and not often with myself.
It's a long road, but we may be here for a long time so why not enjoy the journey.
Good luck.

**Wagoneer** · January 4, 2010, 03:32 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Georgie, I am right there with you. I am letting the stresses of my work filter into my home life and I end up drinking a bottle of wine. I am so depressed and sad at myself I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is another day. And it will be a better one if I don't drink a glass or two tonight. Good luck - you can do this. I hope I can.

**Tulipe** · January 4, 2010, 03:42 PM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

The worst is hiding it - I really think you drink more when trying to hide it - just because you want it away with and gone, you don't want anyone else to find out about the problem.
Happy days, so true!
Georgie and our other friends, let's get this in order!

**blinder** · January 5, 2010, 04:37 AM

I Hate Myself - WHY???

Hey Georgie, hope you find the support here that you need. It has certainly been wonderful for me. It seems easier for us to dislike ourselves and its harder for us to see how amazing we really are, especially while we are trying to beat the monster. Take one day at a time and try to be kind to yourself, you are amazing because you're you! Best wishes

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