My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

[Luna_blue]

:new:

Hello,

It's kind of scary for me to post and to see everything in writing - but here goes. My partner and I have been drinking regularly for about seven years now. During the past couple of years, he had been going through a lot of stress, and his drinking had escalated to the point where he was drinking before and possibly during work, and every weekend, had a fifth of vodka by the time I woke up. It was obvious to his employer that it was getting out of control, and so they mandated him to inpatient treatment, just after Christmas. I've been holding steady at a bottle of wine a night for these few years (if you can call it that), sometimes less and sometimes more (especially on the weekends when I woke up to him wasted). I think I justified my own drinking in comparison to his, thinking, well, at least I am functional, at least I don't drink in the daytime, at least I only drink wine, maybe most of all, at least no one can tell. But of course I know it's a problem no matter what kind of mental tricks I play on myself, I know I'm damaging my body and brain, and more and more of me wants to just stop this madness. I saw my partner recently after he had been in his program for a week, and he looked so healthy already, the bloated puffiness in his face had gone away, a little more at peace maybe too, and I feel so happy for him, but jealous in a way - and scared knowing that I had to face my own demons without his problems to occupy me. I wish I could stop my own drinking, and I know I need to in order to support his recovery, but when those terrible dusk hours come with the dark thoughts creeping in, nothing else seems to comfort me as much as a glass of wine - and then another.

I found MYO a couple of years ago, read the posts, and just was so amazed at how much so many people's stories and experiences resonated with me...but I just "lurked," bought the cd's, but didn't actually listen to them - maybe I wasn't ready. I want to be ready this time, but I feel too ashamed to go into formal treatment (I think many women do), and honestly, I don't know what "ready" looks like. I'm still hiding my drinking, and I have to go in to talk with his treatment provider, terrified of course that my secret will come out, but planning to deflect any attention from myself. I've been trying to cut down, which has been hard, especially with the loneliness. This forum seems so supportive and I'm so glad I found it, and thanks for reading my story.

[hippie37]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

I can almost feel your fear and frustration through your words luna. I really feel for you, I do. Your post is so honestly written, unlike a lot of my earlier posts when I joined MWO a few years back! I told my 'story' and nothing more. It allowed people to know what I wanted them to know about me without ever allowing them to get close to the real me. I'm not saying I lied but I very much manipulated the way my posts were written to portray me in an image that i wanted people to see me in. I was very much the chameleon and I had a mask for every occasion so people didn't get too close to the truth of who I really was, or who I thought I was. I think we sometimes have very warped notions about who we are as alcoholics because of our core beliefs about ourselves and our conditioning through life.

Like your partner I myself went through a treatment center to try and smash my old ideas and deflate my ego so I could eventually reveal my true colours. I have to say it was the most terrifying experience I have gone through but the most rewarding and enlightening at the same time. I find not just recovery but life is full of paradoxes and no more blatant than the desire to stop drinking yet the inability to do so because of fear.

Carl Jung described addiction as a "thirst for wholeness". The amount of times I have searched for wholeness through the idea that I'm don't have enough of.... Even when I did find some happiness (or what I thought was happiness) it was never enough. I always needed more to complete me. I always thought relationships were going to bring me happiness. They never did. Outside things were never going to satisfy this thirst for wholeness that I had because I now understand happiness comes from within. I don't know how many other alcoholics I have spoke to who have said exactly the same thing "I always felt like I didn't 'fit in', that I was different somehow" (or words to that effect). This seems to be a common trait of alcoholics I believe.

The problem with trying to reach this inner peace is that we are riddled with fear and shame and guilt and remorse and........etc etc that we have no way of reaching it. Even more so whilst we are caught up actively seeking the solution to our problems through drink. Drink is not the problem and I've said this many times, We are the problem and drink is the solution to our problems. The drink is just the tip of the iceberg if you like. But fear keeps us drinking; knowing that it will kill us one day because we have a greater fear of revealing ourselves to the world.

I believe we all have the answers already in us, that is why I would say things resonate so deeply within us when we read something or hear something that we identify with. It's about experiencing those answers which we can only do if we put in the the work. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in a safe environment (which for me was a treatment center). I started out with online forums getting support and asking questions and trying to put some work in. But I was lazy and it became comfortable for me to allow myself to just feed my ego and make myself feel good by getting people to like me. That superficial healing of the wounds meant that every 3 months I was relapsing because that's all it ever was SUPERFICIAL. It was like putting a plaster over a deep cut that really needed stitching.

I'm no counselor luna and I really don't want to get into the whole 'diagnosis' type post that I've been fond of in the past (My ego at work again!) but through my own experience I can identify a lot of co-dependency issues through your post that I would consider looking at more deeply. Treatment centers these days are vastly shaping the way forward for recovery in this country I believe. I think during the 12 weeks I was there it was pretty balanced with both men and woman. I would also suggest (and I mean suggest) that you are open with the treatment providers when you visit rather than hide anything. They will no doubt see though this anyway believe me!!. It would also help a lot with your partners recovery if they knew the full story if they didn't already. I'm not trying to scare you here either, it's just probably a fact.

Keep posting luna, your honesty is refreshing.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[gyco]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

Luna_blue;786150 wrote: :new:

Hello,

...but I just "lurked," bought the cd's, but didn't actually listen to them - maybe I wasn't ready. I want to be ready this time, but I feel too ashamed to go into formal treatment (I think many women do), and honestly, I don't know what "ready" looks like. I'm still hiding my drinking, and I have to go in to talk with his treatment provider, terrified of course that my secret will come out, but planning to deflect any attention from myself. I've been trying to cut down, which has been hard, especially with the loneliness. This forum seems so supportive and I'm so glad I found it, and thanks for reading my story.

hi luna,i didnt cut out your thread cause i didnt like what you wrote but i beleive you said what you want from here, on,you weren't ready,i beleive that is every ones demise,i bot the AA book 10 years ago,several times,and gave it to others cause they needed it more then i,lol,not,as hippie said,one has to find themselves.b4 they can fix the problem,theres the old saying you can lead a horse to water,but you cant make them drink it,just like letting go of an addiction,you can stop anything you want with the rt desire,but its still there,like fire,touch it the 1st time,you get burnt,2nd,3r, and so on,then doesnt it become a bit like insanity,i to was in treatment for 31 days,best thing that happened to me,what i lerned has helped me tremendously, my dear this is a great place to start,:welcome:and :thanks: gyco

[MauMcL]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

Hey there

Thanks for posting. I know that could not have been easy. As you said yourself.

One thing I would like to share. A good friend of mine is a Mother and long-time AA member. She also has co-dependency issues with ex-husband and daughter, etc. and attends Al-Anon in addition to AA! So from my understanding, yes, you can have both problems.

I will leave the details to the experts here! I don't know if there's a specific forum for this that you can be directed to.

Peace.

[Boss.man]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

From my perspective: The insidious thing about alcohol is that it co-opts some natural brain chemicals, and causes a mood-based dependence. We think its logical that we drink, and we think we can function fine. This isn't any planned response, it just happens. The availability of alcohol is simply a function of our modern lives and consumer habits.

It's always worthwhile to consider that the whole "need" is artificial. It's an artifact created because alcohol has specific chemical effects in the body. The obvious effect is the "buzz" which lasts 1-3 hours. Less obvious is the emotional crash you get after about five hours, that feeds an emotional response to "need" the buzz state. If you can get free of it, your brain will re-balance and another life-crisis will pass behind you. The process of detoxing is awful, and difficult. This site helps a lot, for advice, supplements, and ideas.

I read in a book somewhere and I'll misquote my factoids here, but something like 20% of all adults get a drinking problem, and as many as 50% of those people recover by themselves without help. Why is that? They grow old. As you age, your body becomes less tolerant, and less able to recover from the ill effects. So for "comfort" it becomes more likely people will stop. At the latest, when you go to the old-peoples-home they will detox you. So you have to figure sometime eventually you will need to re-balance and live a life without the tangy juice. It's just a matter of deciding to go through the process to get it done.

Just my morning thoughts. I'm at about 8 months now, but I don't count days. I still sip wine, but not enough to get a buzz (that's my rule). Before that I drank nightly for 30 years, and the last couple years of that was 80-100 units a week. If nothing else, I save $40 a week in liquor expenses and can still afford to buy the finest pomegranite juice!

[Luna_blue]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

Thanks for all of your responses and support. I woke up in an almost panic today thinking I had revealed too much, shared too much of myself - I am an intensely private person, which goes with the territory probably, developed after years of hiding the "bad" part of me, the part I don't seem to have any control over - so much so I was tempted to go into the delete post thread to figure out how to erase it, as if it could be that easy to erase it from my life, and go back to the comfort zone of at least nobody knows. And then I thought I would just not post a reply, and not have it bumped up, and it would just disappear. But that's just regressing, and not fair to the folks who took the time to respond.

The compassion and deep empathy you express is overwhelming - you seemed to have read me even though I thought I was still hiding enough, the pleasing perfectionist, the masks I wear and the roles I play, life's a stage and all of that. And some parts of what you said did scare me, made my walls go up, I didn't want to read all of it and had to leave, but at some point, you have to face yourself in all its inglorious truth I guess. Especially the co-dependency issue - Is that really me? So I googled it, what else, and some of it is spot on, some maybe not (or I think not at this point), and some I just don't know. But maybe that's just the same as coming to terms that alcohol has become a problem, you go over the assessments, the questionnaires, the diagnoses criteria, and if just one of them says you're okay, that's what you go with. You know one of the things I miss the most after all this drinking - that inner voice, that core that is inside us, not the niggling nagging one with all the worries and fear, although that's just the other half of the same coin, but the one that's our truth. But I'm not ready to face that yet to myself, much less to a therapist or even AA, but I'm here in this virtual place now - I think it's a start, I hope it is.

[shirazgirl]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

Hi Luna,
This is where I started too. AA isn't for everyone and this is a good place to get solid advice from others who share the same problems. I too, was able to hide (except for my poor husband) my drinking. It came to a point that I started to isolate so I could continue my hiding. I was a social person and this is what started the ball rolling. Afterwards, started coming the shame and guilt. I did this for about two years and kept making new rules for myself.

Hippie and Boss.man, are excellent examples of all the wisdom that can be found here. I am still on my journey, but I found that being honest with myself was a good beginning. Good luck and keep posting...

[jane rees]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

this is a good, safe place

Hi Luna

the wonderful thing about MWO is you can go away....and then come back again! it is always here for you and somebody out there is sharing your story and your pain, and ultimately, your recovery. I was a success story 18 months ago with months of AF under my belt, and then I fell off the wagon and so hid away nursing my dirty little secret. But I'm back and the members are welcoming and non judgemental.

You are in a safe place here. Do stay.

[lukalee]

My partner is in treatment but my problem is still hidden

Wow Hippie. That is such a great post. I am in tears. I have this tremendous amount of fear that is holding me back. There is also this idea that I am a complete fraud.....or maybe it is my ego saying that people will "find out" that I am a fraud if they get to know the real me. How do we get past the fears to find the happiness within us?