confused wife

[wife with questions]

I would like to start by saying this is my first time talking about this because i was ashamed to admit how my life at home is.

Well here is the background. Me and My husband have been married since 2005. He started drinking within 6 months of us being married. He progressed from just 1 night a week to 7 days a week by our first anniversery. He just got home from his first 30day rehab last month. He has done none of his after care. I just found his beer cans from where he drank last night while I was at work. Here are my questions. Do I tell him i know he is drinking again? How far should i go with encouraging him to do after care? I don't want to push to hard he uses that as an excuse. "why don't you get off my back about it. All this nagging would cause someone to drink." We have 2 children. I am scared this will effect them and their lives.

[changemylife]

confused wife

It is a struggle, He knows he i snot supposed to drink but he is an addict. He probably is ashamed too which leads him right back down the same path. I would suggest telling him in a positive way that he needs to get himself back. Do it in a way that you areinvolved to. See it as a team effert that you are trying to help him and that you care. Sometimes this works but you need to at least try.

[tawnywitch]

confused wife

Iknow that whenever my husband tackled me about my drinking I would get really defensive about it, I knew inside that he was right, so do try to be gentle, I can sort of see both sides now, it is very hard, good luck ,keep coming here there is so much experience, Tawnywitch

[KateH1]

confused wife

This is really tough.....alcoholics work hard to enable their drinking. They will lie, sneak and yes, blame others for their drinking. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Are you able to call the rehab that your husband participated in and speak to a counselor? Perhaps they could suggest helpful ways to work through this. The other choice would be Alanon. Clearly, you need advice and support to get through this. Simply not doing or saying anything is not a choice. Please remember, that no matter what your husband says, You are not causing him to drink.

Best Wishes, and Good Luck to You!
Kate

[wife with questions]

confused wife

The reason I came to this site is al-anon is not available in our area. We live in a small town. I have left a message with his caunselor from rehab. No reply yet. I have offered to go to family counseling with him. I leave him time and places of AA meetings. He is about to run out of his meds for anxiety/depression they put him on at treatment. He refuses to go to the doctor to get refills. These have helped him a lot. I am afraid when they run out he will spiral out of control again.

[KateH1]

confused wife

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Hi again, Above is the link for Alanon online. Of course we are happy that you are here and reaching out to us. We will help as much as possible and offer you support. It really sounds like you need to have people that are familiar with handling this sort of situation. I hope the counselor calls you back today! If not, I would call them again and tell them that your concerns are "urgent".

You might also check out the section on this board about Families Needing Support.

[changemylife]

confused wife

He is stopping the meds because he wants to replace them with AL. You will need ot confront him ASAP and at least give it a try to put him back on track.

Question, Did his drinking realy pick up after the kids? As a man, I can tell you there is nothing more hurtful than going from #1 to whatever. Some men deal with it poorly. Drink may have replaced his wife and friend. Men wont admit it because it looks selfish and wrong but it is true.

Not saying this is the case but it is fairly recent that he started drinking.

[wife with questions]

confused wife

He has been an alcoholic for a long time. He had been sober a long time when we got married in 2005. I already had my son when we married. I was pregnant with our daughter when he started drinking again. I had a difacult pregnancy but he started drinking before my trouble started. One thing is my son is a special needs child but he knew this before i married him.

[tawnywitch]

confused wife

Wwq.I have a son with special need's too if you need to chat pm me anytime, it;s hard for men to accept this sometimes and these children do take more time from us which some men find hard, they don't mean to, but I expect I would too if the roles were reversed,knowing the fact and then living with it are two separate thing's, stay in touch, you are doing the right thing for him and all of you, loce Tawnywitch.

[tawnywitch]

confused wife

sorry love

[Doggygirl]

confused wife

Hi Wife, and welcome to My Way Out. I hope that the counselor and the Alanon link provide you with some practical suggestions. One thing I can say as an alcoholic, the ONLY person who could convince me to stop drinking was me. I have recently started sponsoring other women in AA. (that just means helping them learn the AA program) One of the most challenging things for me to do is fully accept that *I* am not responsible for someone else's sobriety - only that person can do it. If that is difficult for me to accept with relative strangers, I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you to do with your husband. (and I don't know how my own husband did it for years)

I think what you might get from the counselor or certainly the Alanon resources is tools and methods to keep yourself and your children safe and sane, and not enable your husband without realizing it.

Most of the people here come from the addict's side of the table. But I know that this community will help you however we can.

Strength and hope to you (and your husband),

DG

[Luna_blue]

confused wife

That must be so difficult. My partner is currently in inpatient treatment, and seems to be doing well, but I of course have concerns that he will relapse once he gets on the "outside." I'm afraid I don't have any advice, just empathy and support. I've been checking out the Al-Anon information, and it can be helpful - it's hard to know when what we are doing is actually helping the other person, and when it becomes "enabling," behavior - i.e., excessive nagging, giving ultimatums and not following through, seeing their problem as ours to solve somehow - I've gone so far down this path that I even started drinking too (horrible, I know). I guess in the end, you can offer your support, but it really is up to them to commit and be dedicated to change their behavior, and the best you can do is to take care of yourself and your children first. You probably should let him know that you know he is drinking, matter-of-factly and without accusation, state your concerns, and set boundaries for yourself and what you will be willing to accept. Easier said than done - when people give me this advice - I think, so what does that mean, leaving him is inconceivable, but what's the alternative then? Living in misery and secrecy and getting deeper and deeper into chaos. Neither option sounds good, so I don't know. Addiction is so irrational, and maybe, he feels guilt and shame about drinking again and hates himself for it, then justifies it, and drinks to make himself forget the guilt. He even may blame the stress of family life, work, etc., but know that people who have issues with drinking will find any excuse to justify - it's not about you or the kids.

I hope the counselor gets back to you, but in the mean time, do you have any friends or family you can confide in? Sometimes just talking to someone helps relieve the burden a bit, and can get you to a place where you can think more clearly.

Good luck to you.