New Eyes

[Hippy Chick]

Yesterday was day 22 for me ?it?s been over 9 years since I have been sober for longer than two weeks. I have been going along really well, thinking this is a breeze, why didn?t I do it a long time ago.
Then reality struck. I faced the challenge of my ?booze brain? talking louder than I have ever heard it before. Fridays are my hard day at work as I work a longer shift than normal and don?t like doing it. So I have a bad attitude to start with. About two hours before I was due to leave, I had the brilliant plan of getting drunk when I finish. That will make me feel better for having to work all day.... that will relieve the empty feeling in my heart cause my husband is away still.... that will relieve the fact that I will obviously go home to a messy house created by two bored teenagers on summer holidays (7 weeks is really too long!).... that will make up for the fact that I haven?t got anything organised to do for the weekend.... that will make up for the fact that my mum said just one thing that really got on my nerves....that will make up for the feeling that I am eating too much at the moment..... yeah what a great plan!
I passed a bottle shop on the way home and I got really annoyed with my self because I didn?t go in and hand over some of my hard earned money in exchange for some poison. I was in tears of frustration having an argument in my head about why I shouldn?t treat myself to ?just one? after I have done so damn well over the last three weeks.
It was a real struggle not to pick up that bottle.
But I didn?t ? and what annoys me today after waking up with no hangover, is the fact that I wasn?t ready for it. I didn?t have a plan of attack that I should have in place for moments like this. I just stumbled thru and somehow didn?t drink. It was like everything I had read and learned about to do in this situation had gone. I was feeling so cocky and self righteous about how easy it was to get sober but not now. I feel like I am starting again with new eyes this time.
I am so glad the MWO site is here with all the support available at any time. And thank you all for documenting your journeys so other can learn.
Hippy Chick

[dancelot]

New Eyes

Hi, Hippy Chick -

You did make it through, that's the important part.

Have you heard the saying "HALT' - it stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. When we feel those drinking urges, ask yourself if any of these applies. Around Christmas, I had that urge and I know for sure I was angry and lonely. It was building up over a period of days, it really didn't just come out of nowhere. In my drinking days I was often hungry (and we alkies all love that kick of AL on an empty stomach!).

Add it to your own tool box (your experience). I often too felt it was easy, things were going so well, and felt a little cocky. That experience of knowing how easily I could fall was very humbling. That's why it's said alcohol is "cunning, baffling, and powerful".

Glad you didn't succumb - keep reading, learning, and posting. I find this a continuing journey, rather than now I've stopped drinking, I'm done. I wish you continued success. Much love! :h

[Doggygirl]

New Eyes

Hippy Chick, congrats on getting through what sounds like a day of very strong urges and standing firm in your resolve not to drink. As Dancelot said, I too had to be humbled in the face of a cunning, baffling and powerful foe in AL. I can never afford to let down my guard or forget that I'm an alcoholic.

Don't let this experience frustrate you. It is not a sign that you are weak or anything like that. I think this type of experience is very common. Learn from it, and grow in your sobriety from it. Be better prepared if/when a day of strong urges comes again.

You are doing great!! Keep up the good work.

DG

[Hippy Chick]

New Eyes

Thanks Dancelot and Doggygirl. You're both right. I should be proud of myself that I didnt cave in. It was amazing how strong the urge to drink was. It took me by surprise. I suppose because in previous times I would have just given in and not had to deal with such a desire to drink.
It is a relief to know I can come here and get the support I need. Other people just dont understand.
Thanks again.
Have a good weekend.
HC

[Marshy]

New Eyes

Hi Hippy Chick,

You're doing great! You haven't had that length of AF time for nine years, for me it was longer than that. I got frustrted early on because I would think about drinking so much and want to turn to it at the slightest annoyance. But my counsellor at the time told me that it's only natural that after a long-term "relationship" with alcohol, you think about it when it's gone. Just as you'd think about an ex-partner if you'd been with them for 10, 20, 30 years, even if they were bad for you and you were glad you dumped them - they'd still be in your thoughts.

Just don't take him back, however much he begs - you've moved on to better things!

[savon19]

New Eyes

Hi Hippy Chick -

It was a surprise for me, too, when I didn't give in to my first few strong urges. I didn't have plan, just knew I wanted to see what life could be without this Crutch.

I really am seeing that the stronger the urge is that you "conquer", the stronger you become. I guess that makes sense - kind of like building muscles!

After a while, it's almost a pleasure when the smaller urges become just passing thoughts... Before, even a Small urge would result in me satisfying it!

Now (after month & half), it's nice when I get one of those passing thoughts, and my mind says almost immediately: No, I don't FEEL like it!! (WHAT??)

Not: I Shouldn't... But it's that I don't Want to. The first time that happened was rather amazing...

Bottom line: Hippy - you did GREAT!!

[ptg109]

New Eyes

Thanks for the reminder that this is a journey, not an accomplished feat after day xx. I really wanted to drink yesterday, not because of a bad day, but because of a good day (and being snowed in with a fire and a drinking husband.) I didn't...because of this site...thank you again.

[Hippy Chick]

New Eyes

Thanks Marshy. That is a good way to look at it - a relationship. I really believe that is what it was. It was my constant companion for over thirty years. It was always there when no-one else was. It followed me around the world, wherever I went. And now I have to learn to live without it after all those years. (I havent even had a "human" relationship that long!)
Savon - I look forward to not wanting to satisfy that urge. One day!
PTG - there is always a "reason" to drink, isnt there? Feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling bored, being on holidays, being summer, being winter. And after all those years it is so hard not to find reasons. Good luck with your journey.
HC

[mollyka]

New Eyes

Hippy just read your post of a few days ago when you resisted the urge on day 22 that was me writing that except I did'nt resist. I did 23 days including Christmas and New Year, first sober christmas for at least 35 years (imagine how much effort went into that!) and was sent home early from work on day 23 cos it was snowing and the public transport was stopping (everything stops in Ireland with one flake of snow!). Anyway to cut a long story short, bought the bottle of vodka ( despite only stopping antabuse 5 days previously) and necked it over that evening and the next day. Felt really ill and upset my daughter and my husband had a raging row with me. Experienced a new low that day - never ever want to feel like that again. Also if I had just resisted like you did Hippy I would now be 47 days instead of 24AF. Well done Hippy, I do think every time we do resist makes us so much stronger for the next time sort of 'learned experience'

[Hippy Chick]

New Eyes

Thanks Mollyka. I think you are right. We do get stronger with every test we face. I just cant imagine living my life without AL. It has been such a part of my life for 30 years and just wondering how to do things without it is scary. I am determined to find out though. I just have to learn how to live all over again.
Good luck with your journey.
Hippy