Exhausted

[dirtyjeans]

I've been reading through a lot of the posts here and this community seems to have a wealth of people who have been there and done exactly as I have for so many years. I need to find people I can identify with who are making the changes I want to make. "Walking the talk" I guess.

I've been drinking for 20 years, started as a 14 year old binge drinker and progressed to heavy pot-smoking on the months I didn't drink. Have done plenty or harder drugs, but AL seems to be my major kick. I drink a lot of wine, a 2 litre cask is not an issue for me (until the next morning when the hangover strikes), and I'm not a tall woman, so I'm not quite sure how I haven't offed myself due to AL poisoning through the years. I guess something is watching over me 'cause I always seem to scrape out of every shitty situation I find myself in due to my poor judgement when drunk.

The last 10 years in particular have consisted of gambling, missing work (I have a very good job and nobody at work knows I'm a drunkie), verbally abusing my daughter (who's a teenager and seen me drunk for as long as she can remember but still loves me anyway for some reason I can't work out), getting thrown out of bars, making a public tool of myself, losing friends, embarrassing and harassing family in my younger years, writing and sending emails/messages on SN sites to people I that I would never send when sober, having sex with the wrong people ... just basically being a total screw up.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm so ashamed of myself and don't know how to end this spiral of drinking, regret and guilt. I'm hungover as sin and remember falling asleep repeating the words "when is it my turn to be happy?"

I have this awful feeling that whatever has kept my arse out of a major sling all these years will stop looking out for me soon and give up on me. My anxiety is killer and I'm considering going to a doctor today to see what they might suggest.

Can anyone here offer some words to point me in the direction of getting my act together? I'm at a bit of a loss here.

[hart]

Exhausted

:welcome: (Dirtyjeans)))

What stuck me about your post was that it sounded like you have been undiagnosed with some medical problems. It sounds like you have been self-medicating. My husband does it too and do I.

I would tell you, go to a doc and tell him/her how much you usually drink. Alcohol withdrawal, unlike other drugs CAN KILL. So if you are slight of build and have been drinking so heavily all this time it might be a wise idea to do so under medical supervision.

I had epilepsy and the first time I detoxed it was under a clinical setting. I had no symptoms but the worst of it was I was bored out of my skin. Boredom I can live thru.

You might need some anti-anxiety drugs or something for depression it sure sounds like you need a medical evaluation.

I'm home in about an hour so if you'd like to chat I think I will be on-line at that time.

again :welcome:

[Doggygirl]

Exhausted

Hi and welcome. I can identify with much of your story. I drank hard through a pretty fast track type career up until the last few years of my drinking.

The guilt? Check.

Shame? Check.

Doing all kinds of crap I regret? Yep.

Wondering when the Sam Hill my husband (or someone!) was going to start making me happy? Double Tripple check.

I started drinking at about 17 or so and my hard drinking life spanned over 30 years. I am just over 1.5 years sober and am finally happy. Whatever I thought I was chasing all those years was right here inside me all along.

It's very possible that drinking is causing your anxiety. Be careful about getting on meds with horrid side effects when maybe, getting sober is all you need.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[stiteal]

Exhausted

Hi Dirtyjeans,

I can identify with much of what you are saying. I have no idea why my husband loves me so much, because he has seen me make a complete tool out of myself more nights than not. Your turn to be happy is NOW. You can do this...we can all do this. Today I woke up hungover for the 4 millionth time and prayed my heart out that God would give me some kind of resource to use that will help me, something to hold me accountable, to encourage me, to let me know I am not a total crapbag, and that there are so many people going through the very same thing as me. I prayed and then got on the computer and stumbled upon this website and I feel like I am seeing through brand new eyes. Getting to openly talk about my alkie ways has been liberating. I would encourage you to keep reading posts and if you find folks that you identify more than others, accept their invitation to talk and communicate. Today, I am hungover. I will not have a drink today and want nothing to do with one, as my tummy is so sour from last night. Tomorrow and Wednesday will be another story. Once I wake up without a hangover and it gets to be around 5pm, my little AL voice will start singing to me. I intend on getting on here and pinging the folks who have done this and have them talk me down from the ledge. I will encourage you to do the same. You can do this and I will be here to chat if you'd like. Congrats for being here and being honest.

[Elsa]

Exhausted

Hi & :welcome:
Your story is so familiar, one of the best things about this site, is that after years (in some cases - mine- decades) of fighting this thing alone, we finally realise that we are not alone. Your teenage daughter could still love you because you are a loving good mother, and basically a good person, despite your problem. Shame and guilt are things I know alot about, and you have to let go of this to move on and make yourself better, believe me I know this is easier said than done, but if your teenage daughter can overlook this (and teenagers have to be the most judgemental creatures on earth), then can you try to be kind to yourself, just this once. Try to start with a goal that is achieveable, say 1 day AF, and feel good that you have done this, and that if you can do one day, then you can do two. The time will build up and you will be so proud of yourself for doing it, and if you falter or fall, just come on here and talk, there will always be some one here to help.
Take care:l

[beauty91254]

Exhausted

Dirtyjeans this is for you

You say how you have scraped out of many things. I have also although not quite as much as you. The point is I went to the doctor for a physical last week. They called me today. My cholesterol is elevated (and I am on medicine already for that), my white blood count is up, my liver is crying with something or other, my sugar is elevated, and there is blood in my urine. What a wake up call. Go to the doctor and be sure you are ok. If not, this is a one way to wake up and take the initiative to do better. I see the doctor tomorrow at 3:30. I just hope I am ok. Poured the vodka in the sink today, I have to give that up. Having a glass of wine tonight because I am also scared of withdrawal. After so many ,many, many years of drinking every night, I am scared to stop completely. That is sick also. I have been eating fruits constantly and drinking tons of water. Go to the doctor and see what he says. Then let me know. :cheering::cheering::cheering::cheering::cheering

[dirtyjeans]

Exhausted

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you guys taking the time out to post. I'm actually having a bit of a cry to read that others have the same issues. I'm not naive enought o believe I'm the only one here that feels the shame and guilt of being addicted to AL, but to know others are honest and open about where they're at or have been is a good feeling.

Hart - I was on antidepressants for nearly 8 months and at first they were great, then as my dosage went up I went bat-shit crazy and ended up in a real state. Not for me. Coming off them was absolute torture as well. Never again. I'm not adverse to a little valium thought to ease of the anxiety, and I hope the doctor can help me out there today.

Thanks DG - I imagine you're right about the drinking being a huge factor in my anxiety issues. Seems to be compounded after a large drinking session. Maybe it's a biological thing, blood sugar levels must be all over the place. It's great to read that you have been sober 1.5 years. You must be so proud. Congratulations!

stiteal - I'm sharing your hungover pain, I too feel sick to the stomach, and I certainly could do with a good 12 hours sleep. I think you're right about being held accountable. Perhaps regularly posting here will help. It's odd, but even though I know it's going ot be a hard road I'm actually looking forward to it. Scares the utter crap out of me, but it's also weirdly thrilling to think I might be able to do this! Here's to us giving it a red hot go!

Elsa - Thanks so much for the kind words regarding my daughter. We have a brilliant relationship that I cherish and I hate to think I've allowed her to think that being drunk regularly is just a normal thing that people do. I so want to change that. I'm doing the 1 day AL free at a time thing starting now.

Thanks again and after my doctor's appointment I'll check back in. You've made me feel a lot more positive about this guys. I just hope I can keep that up.

[dirtyjeans]

Exhausted

beauty91254;799696 wrote: You say how you have scraped out of many things. I have also although not quite as much as you. The point is I went to the doctor for a physical last week. They called me today. My cholesterol is elevated (and I am on medicine already for that), my white blood count is up, my liver is crying with something or other, my sugar is elevated, and there is blood in my urine. What a wake up call. Go to the doctor and be sure you are ok. If not, this is a one way to wake up and take the initiative to do better. I see the doctor tomorrow at 3:30. I just hope I am ok. Poured the vodka in the sink today, I have to give that up. Having a glass of wine tonight because I am also scared of withdrawal. After so many ,many, many years of drinking every night, I am scared to stop completely. That is sick also. I have been eating fruits constantly and drinking tons of water. Go to the doctor and see what he says. Then let me know. :cheering::cheering::cheering::cheering::cheering

Far out. I do hope the doc doesn't have any bad news for you beyond what you already know to be a problem beauty. Today I'm only going to addres the anxiety issue and have a chat about some options ot avoid the booze. If the doc suggests a blood test I'll probably run away screaming as needles are a sure fire way to make me leave a room.

We'll see what happens. Best of luck to you!

[Doggygirl]

Exhausted

1 day at a time is a good way to take it. Posting here every day really does help too - at least it does for me.

One thing I always try to keep in mind. I was willing to go to great lengths to drink. The thinking, the planning, the making sure I had supply, the sneaking, the fighting through hangovers at work, etc. etc. etc. I need to be willing to put at least that much effort into my sobriety on a daily basis.

That is a thought that really helps me.

DG

[stiteal]

Exhausted

Excellent point doggygirl, getting ready to drink was as exhausing as the next morning...I said earlier that I put as much effort into drinking as I do when a house guest comes. I must prepare my mind to do the same exhausting work to quit.

Dirtyjeans, we'll do this together...it is scarry, but the thought of not being a slave to a bottle of wine is exhilarating!

[SKendall]

Exhausted

DJ, you have come to a great place. If you are stopping alcohol, please either go slowly or get meds, i.e. librium to help you.

Your anxiety will decrease along with your alcohol decrease. Please be honest with your doc.:welcome:

[dirtyjeans]

Exhausted

Thanks SKendall - great advice. Unfortunately the doc I saw was not terribly interested in anything I had to say.

He did nothing but offer me anti-depressants (kick-backs for prescribing anyone?) even though I explicitly said I did not want to take them EVER again. He offered no other help, but said possibly I should see a counselor. I burst into tears and basically said that this wasn't the help I felt I needed here and now ... he wrote me a refferal to the local hospital?!? I left feeling quite angry and very upset. Had a real good cry in the bathroom and then went shopping to buy some healthy food and lots of pepsi.

Guess I'm doing this all on my own without any chemical assisted relaxant. I bought some sleeping pills so I can at least get a good night's sleep after the hellish day I've had. I have work to do tonight after missing work today, but after that, I'm out like a light and putting a lid on Day1AF

[dirtyjeans]

Exhausted

Extra work I had to do is finished for the night. Feel good that I actually got it done considering I'm feeling pretty low. Looking forward to work tomorrow, allows me to get out of the turmoil in my head for a while and feel productive.

Thanks again to all for your words of wisdom today. I hope to visit again tomorrow and check in for day 2. :thanks:

[Doggygirl]

Exhausted

The early days are the hardest. Keep faith that this gets easiser and better with time. One thing that helps keep me sober is NOT wanting to ever go through Day 1, 2, 3 etc. ever again.

You are doing great!

DG