was doing better but then...

[someone_else]

I'm such a pinhead...I had about 10 beers yesterday. I just can't drink during the day. I hope my daughter didn't notice. What if something had happened? What if someone had called? It's almost like I need a babysitter. I just hate myself. Sorry to burden you with this. I was doing better, I don't know, it's like the little monster in me doesn't want to go away.

I'm so paranoid, I usually post under a different name, but I shared some posts with my husband and became afraid he would read this. But I really needed to communicate with you guys.

I had a rule not to drink during the day, but then I felt like a beer around lunchtime, and then all my good intentions went out the window. The first couple barely affect me because my tolerance is so high, but then I keep going, and my poor 5 year old daughter...hope she didn't notice, I don't want her to have the messed up childhood I did! My husband travels a lot. What if he had called? He thought I had this under control, and I did too. I took the supps yesterday, and even a topa. Had the All One. Haven't listened to the cds in a few days. Maybe if I had done this consistently back when I started in Oct. I'd be in a better place by now.

I'm stubbornly clinging to the idea that I can learn to mod, but sometimes I wonder if it's just holding me back. But the thought of total ab just seems too extreme. I have tried an outpatient rehab thing and I didn't like it - felt like high school. I've never had a dui or lost a job or anything like that, but it's a problem.

[BPleasant]

was doing better but then...

I am starting to understand the thoughts on here, MWO. Okay, so you did that, now what? Today, you won't because you have the guilt of yesterday fresh in your mind and your body probably won't crave it. What can you do to make sure tomorrow is easier to stay away from alcohol? Is there any in the house? Get rid of it. Put a plan on plain view of what it is you can do to get rid of the cravings. I don't drink beer, but know that beer fills me up so maybe if you go get a protein powder drinks and drink one of those when you want a beer it will fill your tummy up making the beer less appealing. I think it's WE do anything and everything to get passed the first few days of cravings. Glad I signed on and read this, I want to go take a protein drink and supps now and think about my posts from the past few days. It is so easy to forget how shitty it feels to play the yo-yo game when I am on the healthy day of the yo-yo.
Maybe you can put a to do list on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror, even in the car. I use erasable marker on the mirrors and fridge. I haven't blatantly put up alcohol signs yet, but I see myself heading that way if I don't make my goal for February.
OUR booze brains have much more power than our own brain at this time, the addiction is strong!!

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

Yeah, I don't know anymore if I can mod. Or even occasional. I've been struggling with trying to mod for about 3 years and I was improving but...I always seem to blow it eventually.

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

I'm thinking of trying the rehab thing again, but I'll probably just quit again...maybe I'll go to an AA meeting but then I feel like a hypocrite because I do want to be able to drink socially. Not sure. Online support is great but I want to see people in person. AA is about the only option for that.

[BPleasant]

was doing better but then...

You could start a thread asking if others are in your area.
And you can go to AA and be honest and if they can't be kind about it then atleast you tried. Is there alcohol in the house? What time zone are you in?

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

Yes, but not beer, which is my big downfall...I think I will be ok now. I never want to be this miserable again. I'm going to give away the rest of the port, and the other stuff is not what I would usually want.

I talked to a couple of good friends this morning and that helped, too.

I think I will start a thread and maybe ask people to PM me if they are in my area. Good idea...thanks. Thanks for your support, too.

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

I'm in the Pacific time zone (Northern California)

[Doggygirl]

was doing better but then...

Someone else, I hope you see this situation as an opportunity to take a good, long, honest look at your drinking patterns. A couple of observations from your initial post:

1. Many many many alcoholics have not lost jobs or gotten dui's. I'm a prime example.

2. It is very rare for problem drinkers to successfully drink normally - just take a look around MWO. Even RJ is abstinent now.

3. If even some of the time the drinking spins out of control in front of your daughter, why do you want to drink? What about this?

I don't want her to have the messed up childhood I did!

4. You mention a very valid concern - what if something had happened? I assume you mean something along the lines of "what if there were an emergency with my daughter and I could not safely drive?"

I think all of the evidence is right there. Believe me, I understand how difficult it is to face the facts about alcohol problems. Once I was finally able to accept 100% that I cannot safely drink, the job of getting on with life and building an AF one that I can be proud of got a whole lot easier.

I participate in AA and love the friendships and understanding I find there. However, it is a program of abstinence. There really isn't a component of the AA program that exists to support moderate drinking. So if you were to go there seeking that sort of support, you probably would not find it and might end up frustrated. (it wouldn't be an issue of anyone trying to be kind or not I don't think...) However if you ultimately decide you want to stop drinking, I think AA has a ton to offer. My Way Out and AA are my "rocks" in my own program of sobriety.

Wishing you all the best - this really is a golden opportunity to take stock. I hope you will for yourself and your family.

DG

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

Yes, you are right. Even if it's once a year, that's too much. I'm so tired of this happening. It's been confusing, because some of the time I could do fine, but there have been those times when, for no particular reason, I have gotten careless. Even though it's less often than it used to be, it's still something I just can't be doing. It's destroying my self esteem. My friends tell me I'm smart, beautiful, talented, funny, sweet, and a good mother, but I just feel like a worthless piece of sh**. I'm reminded of another member who tried to mod for a while and finally got tired of hating herself. I think I remember giving myself a month to work this out, back in November...then I lost sight of that goal and kept limping along, sort of improving, but not getting to a point where I can consistently control it, every time. I don't know if it's possible to have an occasional glass of wine on a special occasion - it seems like clinging to that concept opens the door to eventual failure.

[Doggygirl]

was doing better but then...

I can only speak for myself, but I know all too well that "clinging" you speak of. I think when I first came to MWO in July of 2007, I knew that I needed to stop completely. But there was a small part of me reserving a bit of hope that I could keep drinking. Now that's CRAZY when you consider what drinking did to my life! No, I never got a dui or lost a job. (luck) But alcohol negatively affected the most important relationships in my life. I got where I would decide to stay home and drink instead of doing more meaningful things. Etc. (the list could fill a book.) BUT I STILL WANTED TO DRINK. That's part of the insanity of this addiction. I made 60 AF then relapsed, and struggled for 8 months to get back on the wagon. I don't ever want to struggle like that again.

The good news is that once I finally "got it" and accepted FULLY that I can't trust myself with AL, therefore NONE is the only amount that works for me, life started getting better. Don't get me wrong - there have been plenty of bumps in the road, especially at first. But the ball and chain is gone now. AL is not here to keep holding me back from LIVING. You couldn't PAY me enough money to make me take a drink now.

I wish you well just making an important decision for yourself... I know it sucks when you are standing at the cross road.

DG

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

Thank you for your insight and support...and sharing your story. I'm discouraged that even RJ is abstinent now. Must go play with my daughter now...sober, of course, need to keep it that way...

[Doggygirl]

was doing better but then...

Don't be discouraged. Honestly - drinking is way over rated. I'm so glad I have a life now that is NOT dominated by thoughts of when I can/will drink, how many I'm trying to limit to, what days I'll drink, only drink beer, only drink wine, only drink after 5PM, only drink on weekends, only drink when there is a solar or lunar eclipse, only drink when the President wears a purple tie, etc. (rarely did I follow all my rules.

All that rule making is a sign of AL addiction.

Think things might be better in a different location? The Geographic Solution. Alkies have been thinking that for a 100 years - and here I thought it was just me. :H

Just one.... That's my favorite BS line of all. I got to thinking one day. In over 30 years of drinking, I don't EVER remember a day where I had one, and only one drink. Just trying was sheer torture.

Zero is my lucky number. Maybe it's yours too.

DG

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

It's confusing...all the rule making are attempts at moderation, and a big part of this program is about having a plan to make moderation possible, and now even the founder herself is not moderating anymore.

When I was AF for a while in the past I remember asking my husband if he would mind not sharing wine together anymore, and he said, kind of joking, "No, there'll be more for me!" But I'm the lush...Anyway that's another story.

Maybe zero is my lucky number. What do you tell people at events where they offer you a drink?

What was that about the geographic solution? I think I missed something ?

Anyway, thanks again. I'm afraid I'm starting to sound obsequious...

[someone_else]

was doing better but then...

Sorry, didn't mean to sound negative. I guess I was all excited thinking I could learn to mod and now I'm disappointed, in myself, and that most often people come to the conclusion that it's not reasonable, even RJ.

[stiteal]

was doing better but then...

someone_else, don't apologize, these are great questions! To answer one of the question of what to tell people when you're out if they offer a drink, there are a miriad of different options...
1) I'm on a diet and beer isn't on it
2) I've had all of my calories already today, no room for beer tonight
3) My tummy is a bit upset, I think I better pass
4) I have an early meeting or wake up time and need to be ready for that
5) I have a slight headache and don't want to add to it
6) I have some things to do at home later and need my full capabilities!

and so on and so on...as far as the geological location comment, I believe doggygirl was referring to yet another of our famous excuses, i.e. perhaps if I lived somewhere else (maybe warmer), I wouldn't drink so much. Doggygirl, am I correct in assuming this?

BTW, DG, your posts are wonderful and full of wisdom. You have a knack for saying powerful and to the point things with a humorous flare. I appreciate your insight, it's encouraging, thank you for being faithful to post your thougths- you help others!