Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

[jewelsNjems]

I am in my late 50's and know that may sound old to many but I feel I am a young 50. I have become an alcoholic and am sick at heart and riddled in guilt and pain. I have to end this vicious cycle.

I am not new to alcoholism, as my 1st husband was an alcoholic and drank himself to death...our 3 sons are alcoholics in various degress. My husband now, I would say is a problem drink but praise God our 28 yr old daughter & husband are not drinkers. I was not raised in a home where alcohol was present so when I married my 1st husband at a very young age - it was a new world to me....over the years I would drink to be social....at points I would not drink at all because of the damage it was doing to my family. The years have gone by with me just being a social drinker and then a couple years ago it was starting to hit me I have a problem. I could go for a few days and not drink but as the months have gone by I am now drinking 1 -2 bottles of wine a day. I am a sneaky drinker (or so I think). My husband travels during the week so other than if I sound different on the phone I don't think he has a clue how bad it has become. I have made myself very isolated and don't want to go with my friends or have my family over.....I want to be home alone to drink......I do get up in the morning with no hangover....sometimes, not feeling well rested.

Every day I say today is the day...I can't do this anymoe...I know I am ruining my health and I do have some chronic health issues that the alcohol, I'm sure, in time will cause further damage. I go to work with the resolve I am not going to buy any more alcohol or drink again. I think of my children and grandchildren. Then this force that is beyond anything I've ever known....takes over - I pull into the store and buy some wine and go home and another day of my life is wasted. My co-workers, neighbors, family and friends would be shocked if I announced - I'm an alcoholic. I had to go to the dr a week ago and was going to talk to the dr about this to see if I could get something to take.....I just couldn't do it.

I have purchased Kudzu, L-Glut, the book MWO & CD's a few wks ago. I have the worst time remembering to take the pills, I have read through the book but have not gotten into the CD's. I want to be committed, I want to quit...I don't want to end up a drunk old lady.......I have read tons of books over the years on alcoholism, researched on-line and believe this - 5 yrs ago I started a local Alanon support group....my 34 yr old son almost died from seizures from alcohol withdrawal and that was a very dark time for me....I have had many life stressors over the last couple years and know I am medicating myself so I don't feel anything.......I believe in God and pray.

I know I need to make a plan first. I need to start walking, doing some of the things I enjoy - painting, reading and possibly find a support group.....I am hoping coming here daily and making an accounting will help.

Any help, advice, and suggestions are appreciated...I have been reading posts for weeks but couldn't take the step to join - but I decided to jump in. I want to be AF. My apologies for rambling. Jems

[BPleasant]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

HI Jems, Good for you for taking the steps you have so far. It's really easy to fall right into the unconscious aspects of addiction, resolve easily forgotten.
Put your pills somewhere you can't forget to take them, like the bathroom counter next to your toothbrush, put a few extra in your car or purse for the times when you aren't at home.
I you can come up with a mantra that might help too.
Alanon information you probably know inside out and could objectively talk to someone about that, why not write out what you would tell someone that came to you and said exactly what you have posted here. You are probably very well informed on the the recovery process, you just need to think about it consciously and keep it in the forefront of your thoughts.
How a stomach hormone, ghrelin influences desire to drink alcohol, new study
I just posted that in the General forum.
Welcome to MWO.

[Lavande]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Hi Jems,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place.
I was in your place exactly one year ago when I joined. I just turned 56 myself in December, this age does bring special problems. It took me a few weeks to entirely get on board but I did & have been AF since March 26 last year. You can do it too

Take some time to make your plan - look in the Tool box (in the Monthly Abstinence section) for good ideas. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea of how the program works - that's great!
I highly recommend the CDs, they really helped me to relax & get a perspective on things. Start with the Clearing CD then use the Hypnotic CD every night. I used it for a long time myself.

Please drop in the 'Newbies Nest' thread for some extra support too. I'm still posting there at least twice/day.

Looking forward to get to know you & wishing you the best on your journey.
You have made the best decision for yourself & your family!

Lav

[jewelsNjems]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Lavande & BPleasant, Thank you for your words and support...I plan to come each day and be accountable. Today is Day 1 - as I had drank some wine early Sun AM, not a norm for me drinking early. I promised my husband I would watch the Super Bowl so knew I had to be on the ball for that. I was and am going to write out a plan.

I do keep the pills in my purse it is a discipline thing for me. Plus I hate taking pills that are very large...gag easily (sorry). But I know I can do this - I have always been a very strong person. I do believe that is why I have slipped into this fog - between my kids, family, friends - I'm always the one there and I have so many people pulling on me and yes, I know that is part of my issues - being co-dependent....my life has been lonely emotionally as my husband of 29 yrs has never been able to deal with his emotions or communicate. He is a good man and I know he loves me and our family. He is a hard worker and I have done some things financially to betray our marriage.

Day 1 - Write out a plan. 1st goal for today - take all pills. They are in my pill box in my purse and ready to go. Start rereading the book MWO.

What are peoples thoughs on topamax? I think about ordering some but an reluctant because of other meds I take and possible interactions. I just can't share this with my dr.

Blessings and hope to everyone. Day 1 - GO Jem GO. Well, the Colts didn't win so I will cheer myself on

[Marshy]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

jewelsNjems;803003 wrote: Day 1 - GO Jem GO.

Go Jem! You can do this. As others have said, you probably know *what* to do because of your AlAnon experience and reading, it's the actual *doing* it that's the hard part, as we all know.

Distract, substitute, distract, substitute, distract, substitute....

Well done for jumping in here - the support will be a great help.

:welcome:

[Doggygirl]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Hi Jewels. I will be 52 in March. (don't tell anyone though, as I like to claim I am 29!! ) I can relate to so much of your story! Especially the part where at the end of my drinking career, I did not want to make any committments with family or friends - my priority was to stay home alone and drink.

Getting AF has been difficult, but well worth it! It feels great to be free of that ball and chain. It feels good to be out and about in the main stream of life again! As Lav said, if we can do it, you can too.

As far as remembering the pills and making time for the CD's....a wise person once told me: "Be willing to put as much time and effort into your recovery and you were willing to put into your drinking." I put a LOT of time and effort (physical, spiritual and emotional) into my drinking that's for sure. When I started looking at it that way, I became more willing to do whatever it takes for me to stay sober one day at a time.

In addition to MWO, I also attend AA and for me, that has been very helpful in my recovery. There is another poster here Retteacher who also was very involved in Alanon in her past - related to one of her sons I think. You might find you have a lot in common with her too - you might want to look her up! She posts regularly on the Weekly AA Thread in the Monthly Abstinence section.

All the best of strength and hope to you on Day 1! I look forward to getting to know you better.

DG

[allswell]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Jewel,

One thing that really helped me was not allowing myself to get hungry. My eating habits were awful and, especially after work, I think I substituted dinner with alcohol and eventually whenever I was hungry I had huge cravings. I am finding now this is probably why I drove to the first carryout after I was off work picking up my twelve pack for the evening. You might try having a few healthy snacks in the afternoon so when you drive home from work your not hungry. It's worth a try.

[Twitch]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Hi Jem's, I am 52 but still feel 19!! Your story is very similar to mine and a lot of other's here, come here often, read and post, use the chatroom,and know that there is such support here, you need never be alone, love and hug's Twitch xx

[jewelsNjems]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

A much needed reminder - "Be willing to put as much time and effort into your recovery as you were willing to put into your drinking." I have thought about this a lot lately....I go home at night with a "to do" list to keep me busy...after a few drinks....I don't worry about them and then get to tired and nothing gets done...the next day...I think - darn it, another wasted night of my life....the hours and minutes I'm wasting that I will never get back. I think of the $$ I have spent over the years and especailly the last couple.....

Distract - substitute...more good advice and the idea about the healthy snacks is good. Usually by the time I get home from work I am hungry.....I have noticed especially the last month I end up not eating much as I drink more. I might grab a snack at some point uring the evening, but nothing healthy or would count as a meal.

I have thought of AA just because the actual going would be good and get me physically around other people in the same boat....I just would have to find a place not too far away to go....I am so ashamed about this......and that is the crazy part....I am educated in this disease. I know it is because of the misguided image I have built of myself....the stong one, the caretaker, the one everyone can count on....I just can't count on myself.

Another thing I have have to get past is...I plain and simply like the taste of the wines I drink. I feel like I am going to be missing out on this....ok, the reality is if I had an allergy to one of my favorite foods...lobster-which is also a rare treat....and the dr said, if you continue to eat this you will die. I would hate the fact I could never taste it again but I don't think I would go out everyday and buy some....and keep eating it.....make sense? But with alcohol which is killing me some unknown force take over me as I drive hom - saying - ok 1 more bottle won't hurt...and I stop buy it and drink it like I am somone else.

Again, I have rambled on...appreciate the shoulders.
Hugs, Jem

[peacenik]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

but, one more bottle will hurt you...


go to the "what i hate loathe cant stand about drinking" thread in monthly abstainers and visit the toolbox...they are eye opening examples of how we all feel the same about drinking...the conflicted feelings about never drinking again etc...think of it as taking care of yourself and not hurting yourself with alcohol. you've seen what it does to people you love, you are not immune!

it is hard, but worth it. i still struggle, but am alot better off than i was when i was drinking 2 bottles of "good" wine a night. by the way, i can't believe you don't get hungover!

good luck, you can do it...just keep working towards what you know in your heart is the best thing for your body and life!

peace

[Lavande]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Hi Jems,

Good to see you are feeling strong - you can do it!!

About Topa & the other meds - I didn't use any myself. I didn't even use the supps recommended here because I have so many allergies - I just used what I had here. The decision to use the meds is very personal, we each have to decide on our own. Work on changing your thinking........helped me out loads

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[jewelsNjems]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

I read many posts on the Tool Box and will continue to do so - there is so much knowledge there. I am going to beat this somehow. One of the things first and foremost I am working on is being honest with myself and in turn that means (for me) I have to be honest here. It is obvious friends here do not judge.

I am very upset with myself as I did drink again last night. I had 1 bottle of wine left and despsite the fact I did faithfully take the sups before I got home...that little voice talked me into it. I mean what is one final bottle? But I know, you know that final bottle isn't always the final one. This morning I downloaded the subliminal CD onto my MP3 player and can listen to it at work. I am taking my sups and writing out a plan of action.

I know that for me A has become my good friend. I have had a lot of hurts in relationships and sad to say I am happiest alone. My good friend A, is always there for me any hour of the day or night, doesn't judge me, argue with me, although I'm not an argurer - basically lets me be me. But I have no clue who me is anymore..... in reading and going over the posts here and all the wealth of info here I know this is a progression and is going to take time. It may take time for the sups to build up in me, the CD's to work, for me to get in the daily habit of doing the things I need to do to take care of myself...healthier eating, drinking more water, walking.....every day I am going to focus on something and then the next day add it to what I accomplished the day before. I know I can beat this...I am thankful I was led to this site. Blessings & Hugs to all. Jem

[peacenik]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

you can beat it!!!

[dancelot]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Hi, Jem, welcome! I agree with all the previous advice - just wanted say hello and say you are not alone. There are an awful lot of women in their 50s on this site. This surprised me when I came - I thought I was the only one. I also drank alone mostly and was very secretive about it.

I wish the best on your journey - it is so worth it, and you will never regret it. Much love! :h

[Chillgirl]

Newbie needs Words of Wisdom

Jewels - I just wanted to say Hi and wish you lots of strength.

I had so many "last bottles" of wine it was ridiculous!

AL was a love affair gone bad.... in the beginning it was exciting, then we took each other for granted, then he became abusive, wanted me for himself so I stayed home sad and alone, he inflicted such pain on me but still I couldnt say enough was enough, I endured the torture until eventually I was on my hands and knees pleading for my life. Then miraculously I found the strength from I dont know where and finally through him out. Even although my life was better it took time to fill the gap he left but now I wake up every morning and thank God i am free!!