I am not new to alcoholism, as my 1st husband was an alcoholic and drank himself to death...our 3 sons are alcoholics in various degress. My husband now, I would say is a problem drink but praise God our 28 yr old daughter & husband are not drinkers. I was not raised in a home where alcohol was present so when I married my 1st husband at a very young age - it was a new world to me....over the years I would drink to be social....at points I would not drink at all because of the damage it was doing to my family. The years have gone by with me just being a social drinker and then a couple years ago it was starting to hit me I have a problem. I could go for a few days and not drink but as the months have gone by I am now drinking 1 -2 bottles of wine a day. I am a sneaky drinker (or so I think). My husband travels during the week so other than if I sound different on the phone I don't think he has a clue how bad it has become. I have made myself very isolated and don't want to go with my friends or have my family over.....I want to be home alone to drink......I do get up in the morning with no hangover....sometimes, not feeling well rested.
Every day I say today is the day...I can't do this anymoe...I know I am ruining my health and I do have some chronic health issues that the alcohol, I'm sure, in time will cause further damage. I go to work with the resolve I am not going to buy any more alcohol or drink again. I think of my children and grandchildren. Then this force that is beyond anything I've ever known....takes over - I pull into the store and buy some wine and go home and another day of my life is wasted. My co-workers, neighbors, family and friends would be shocked if I announced - I'm an alcoholic. I had to go to the dr a week ago and was going to talk to the dr about this to see if I could get something to take.....I just couldn't do it.
I have purchased Kudzu, L-Glut, the book MWO & CD's a few wks ago. I have the worst time remembering to take the pills, I have read through the book but have not gotten into the CD's. I want to be committed, I want to quit...I don't want to end up a drunk old lady.......I have read tons of books over the years on alcoholism, researched on-line and believe this - 5 yrs ago I started a local Alanon support group....my 34 yr old son almost died from seizures from alcohol withdrawal and that was a very dark time for me....I have had many life stressors over the last couple years and know I am medicating myself so I don't feel anything.......I believe in God and pray.
I know I need to make a plan first. I need to start walking, doing some of the things I enjoy - painting, reading and possibly find a support group.....I am hoping coming here daily and making an accounting will help.
Any help, advice, and suggestions are appreciated...I have been reading posts for weeks but couldn't take the step to join - but I decided to jump in. I want to be AF. My apologies for rambling. Jems
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