How To Say No

[Davie Souter]

Hi All,
Hope you are all well - I am.
My drinking is own responsibility and I accept that 100%. However what tends to trip me up along the way is friends and family. For e.g. one of my buddys may ring me up on a Sat or Sunday and suggest going for a few beers. Now I don't blame them for this as it is what we have always done and its natural for them to think this way. Despite what my strong convictions may be around being AF when this happens I do want to go out and have a few beers and more often than not will go. I'm not talking about drinking buddys here but real friends. Again I undertand that its for me to decide to say no but what I'm looking for really is some advice on how to say no and to amend my thinking in such situations. Its not just as easy as saying to them I am staying off drink because this has been said by us all dozens of times before - what I really need to amend is the feelings and desire that are triggered in me in this regard.

Hope this makes sense.
DS

[letgolaughing]

How To Say No

hi ..i totally understand what you are saying. I too am in that position sometimes.
i really think that in the beginning, you just have to stay away from those situations, regardless how much you want to go out and be with your friends. i usually just make up an excuse. yes, i'm disappointed because i'd like to spend time with my friends, but on the other hand, i KNOW that getting the drinking issue under control is really good for me and later, when i have changed my habit, i will be able to spend time with my friends. i remind myself that it's only temporary.

so, i think in the beginning, you will have to say no. tell them that you don't feel well, or that you have work to do, or something. it's ok to tell a little white lie to get out of it. but, i don't think that is the hard part. the hard part is that you WANT to go. So, just remind yourself that it is temporary. One day at a time. there will be other chances to get together, when you are feeling stronger and can just have a club soda. in the meantime, take care of YOU.

[gyco]

How To Say No

choice

Davie Souter;804626 wrote: Hi All,
Hope you are all well - I am.
My drinking is own responsibility and I accept that 100%. However what tends to trip me up along the way is friends and family. For e.g. one of my buddys may ring me up on a Sat or Sunday and suggest going for a few beers. Now I don't blame them for this as it is what we have always done and its natural for them to think this way. Despite what my strong convictions may be around being AF when this happens I do want to go out and have a few beers and more often than not will go. I'm not talking about drinking buddys here but real friends. Again I undertand that its for me to decide to say no but what I'm looking for really is some advice on how to say no and to amend my thinking in such situations. Its not just as easy as saying to them I am staying off drink because this has been said by us all dozens of times before - what I really need to amend is the feelings and desire that are triggered in me in this regard.

Hope this makes sense.
DS

hi D S.,very interesting,i to can go out and have one or two,with as you said friends,i beleive when i came home tht was when at times ? hell broke lose,alchoholism is lke a virus,bacteria,the flu,for some it becomes na uncontroable urge,i dont beleive youve git there yet,i suggest reading some of the stories,from some of the folks here,or go to a hospital where the psychiatric ward is,see the devastation it can cause if it gets out of control,its not last and not least,go to an AA meeting,or an alanon meeting,i did say earlier you havent got tht far YET,i do so hope this doesnt offend gyco

[DAMO]

How To Say No

Hi Davie,
I, personally have avoided the drinking buddies but made the effort with "real friends" and family to actually go along and drink a mineral.
I have been trying to mod/quit for a few years now, and cant beleive I am now 44 days AF with the help of this site and Allen Carrs Easyway book.
It has been quite difficult but getting easier and more enjoyable by the way.

I find with close friends and family you can enjoy their company anyway although it can be difficult when its the pub.

I wish you all the best

[DAMO]

How To Say No

(more enjoyable by the day,,, not by the way )

[Davie Souter]

How To Say No

DAMO;804689 wrote: Hi Davie,
I, personally have avoided the drinking buddies but made the effort with "real friends" and family to actually go along and drink a mineral.
I have been trying to mod/quit for a few years now, and cant beleive I am now 44 days AF with the help of this site and Allen Carrs Easyway book.
It has been quite difficult but getting easier and more enjoyable by the way.

I find with close friends and family you can enjoy their company anyway although it can be difficult when its the pub.

I wish you all the best

Hi Damo,
I am talking about real friends and family here, these are people who I would spend a lot of time with outside of going to pub or drinking. For e.g. I might go and watch a game in my brothers every second week (he is married with kids and so would not go out drinking very often). One in every 5 times I watch a game with him he might suggest going for a few beers after it. On one hand don't really want to refuse the offer and on the other the thought of going out and having those few beers with him is very appealing to me. I'm not sure what his or others response would be if I suggested I have a soft drink as opposed to alcohol??

[JackieClaire]

How To Say No

Hey Davie,

The few real friends I have know that I have a drinking problem or issues with alcohol and have been nothing but supportive. I feel at ease with them and we now laugh longer and harder than we did before. They actually drink less as I'm not the one forever dragging them to the bar or saying let's get another bottle or lets go for a night cap.

And sad to say I avoid the drinking buddies like the plague.

J x

:l

[peacenik]

How To Say No

can you go out for alcohol free beers?

[Hypernova]

How To Say No

Triggers...

we all have them and we have some in common and some are ours alone. Only you can figure out what they are by being vigilant of your thoughts. Once you know them you can spar with them but be careful because as some thugs they sneak up on you and jump you before you know what hit you & you are flat on your back. I know for myself that actually being hyper-vigilante in the beginning is imperative. For instance I know that if I make a joke about drinking that my mind is actually setting me up and that within a few days I will drink if I don't stop the joke before it comes out. Anyway I would say when in doubt think it out. I sit on my hands (figuratively) and wait till my mind removes the doubt. Doubt is uncomfortable and I find it best to be patient and calm when I face it. I wish you well and know how hard this all is. Today is my 2nd day again. Take care of yourself. regards,
H

[Mazzie]

How To Say No

Hi Davie

Fam and friends are so important. Could you perhaps suggest doing an activity with them instead of the pub which does not involve al. ?Golf, bike ride, trekking. Wishing you all the best.

[Funny Girl]

How To Say No

Just tell people you're on a diet,health program, etc. Anything to deflect the 'why aren't you drinking' question. Most people get a diet or even a 'detox'. I've had friends go on a detox that they paid for that required no booze for over 3 weeks. They just said, wait till 3 weeks is up. Not a permanent solution, but one way to get the heat off if you need them to 'go away'.

[Sweaty Betty]

How To Say No

If you're ok to go to the pub, just have soft drinks - you'll probably find that its your company that;s in demand not your drinking capacity If you don't feel comfortable then suggest an alternative venue. I think socialising without AL is a big challenge, but it's a great feeling when you realise that you can! Take your time, have a plan and be selfish if necessary.

Take Care,

Bets.

[JimBeam911]

How To Say No

This is an interesting post, outlining a situation we're all familiar with. It's also a situation I've had to deal with a few times recently nearly a month into my life-long commitment to being AF. I was very uncomfortable about saying 'No' to having casual drinks with friends, but the first two times I did I was met with surprise.

On the first occasion, when I told a friend of mine that I'm glad we're getting together, but that I've recently decided to give up drinking, much to my surprise she didn't urge me to drink or ask a bunch of bewildered questions. Rather, she gave me a hug and told me how glad she was to hear this news. Apparently several friends had become concerned about my drinking but were apprehensive of confronting me about it. I can't blame them, as I am both headstrong and a fairly private person with respect to personal matters.

On the second occasion, a friend of mine told me that while he'll miss drinking with me, it's probably for the best, as I never seem to want to stop! That's the key thing to remember about our drinking. We think we have the wool pulled over everyone's eyes, but the only people we're fooling is ourselves. Just because we might not all be staggering around and slurring our words, it doesn't mean people close to us will fail to notice the 15+ drinks we have at social functions, or the fact that we always seem to have a drink in our hands when they see us.

So in a nutshell, at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, real friends should not give you a problem when you say 'No'. If you're around any ignorant people who you don't feel like offering an explanation to, you can always supply a harmless white lie, e.g. on medication, designated driver, on a health kick, etc.

[mollyka]

How To Say No

Just been thinkin about that whole friend and drinking thing. All my friends drink, most of them drank much more when we were younger and eased down as they got older, I on the other hand drank much more when I was younger and kept drinking more and more and more!! Anyway I cannot hack going to the pub now but my 'best friend' hasn't contacted me in over a month. I was relieved at first cos it meant I didn't have to make excuses but now I feel hurt cos i reckon she must know what I am trying to do and has dumped me cos I'm boring. Anyway better a bore than a drunk!!!

[Bandit]

How To Say No

Hi,

Yes a hard one to crack

Have to admit luckily I do not have to go out often..having two small kids is my usual excuse and can just say that I have no babysitter.

In the past if I had to go out I would use various excuses..on antibiotics, sick tummy, on a diet etc. etc. but problem with that was having to keep it up, can't always be on antibiotics etc.etc.

With family things I try to keep it to day time activities where drink would not be a big issue and leave early evening before it does. With good friends and those people who I want to stay in my life I have recently told them that I get a bit down in the dumps/depressed after I drink so have decided to stay clear of it for awhile. This is also true but I just felt better saying that I just felt crap after drinking rather than coming out with 'I have a drink problem or I am an alcoholic'.

With others whose opinion is not that important to me I just now say 'I don't want to or don't feel like it' and they don't really question it. Of those that would have seen me fairly drunk in the past they probably will gossip about it behind my back and say 'I told you she was an alcho' or 'she's pregnant' but I don't care anymore,if they weren't talking about this it would be something else,my hair,my clothes etc.

If I'm really desperate I will get my husband to go to the bar and get me a no alcho beer but no-one except him would know it was alcho free. It's a pity pubs in Ireland don't serve alcho free wine,or at least none that I know,as I don't really like beer and I could prob be quite happy with an alcho free wine.

It is a hard one but impossible to avoid and I know if I am to be successful I have to plan for it and make strategies around it,just like everything else with this problem I have,the triggers etc.

Best of luck
Bandit