Mixed feelings

[kusyldi]

Hello, I am a newbie. Were do I start.. I have yet dissapointed my husband again last night. He had been away on a business trip and I had been home alone with our 3yo and i enjoyed drinking wine without either hiding it or dealing with his dissaproving eyes. But last night after 9 beers really wasn't enough so drank the rest of the rose (out of the bottle) and then opened and drank 1/2 of another in a small glass - outside on my own.
Today, well i hate myself. I can't stop once i start and i can't not start. where is my strength? I am going to lose my family if i continue i feel terribly alone and depressed.

[Mazzie]

Mixed feelings

Hi Kus :welcome:

You are in a difficult place right now. You must realise that your drinking is not normal and the nature of the beast is that if it is bad now, in a years time it will be worse unless you change. You have come to a good place on MWO. Lots of good people here who have been where you are and who have changed and now have much better lives not revolving around al and its hangovers, hiding, shaming, lying etc etc. Keep posting and reading lots on here. Decide to change for yourself then for your child and husband. It can be done but only by you. Not starting is very difficult but it is only that 1st drink you do not have to take! You have so much to live for - choose life in its fullest and best. Say no to al!

[mollyka]

Mixed feelings

Hi Kuz :welcome: Mazzie is right your drinking is not normal as was the case with all of us thats why we are here. Just re-reading your post I'm remembering how complicated drinking becomes, hiding bottles, glasses, glassy eyes etc. We disappoint the most important people in our lives time and time again and in my case I was so influenced by AL that I didn't care. I used to WISH my husband would go away so I could drink unhindered and when my adult son would ring me on a sun afternoon to say he was going to visit part of my heart used to sink cos I would have to pretend to be sober. ANYTHING that can make anyone feel like that is EVIL.
Kuz you want to give it up otherwise you wouldn't be here. Here is the best place you could be. People with much more experience than me will advise you and help you thro this if you want it and the rest of us will support you as others supported us.
Do it for your husband and little child but far more important do it for you
Molly:l

[Reenie]

Mixed feelings

Ok Kusyldi: You are not alone. There have been a number of times where I pledged I would only have one drink and wound up drinking the entire bottle. Once that particular bottle was finished, I would continue my binge and reach out and drink anything (ie.. beer). Remember: One drink is never enough... Two is too many. I have also hidden my bottles. I have had the opportunity to drink in full view when my husband has gone away. It's been a sense of freedom, yet something bad always happens. I have fallen alone at home. I have left the oven on. And the list goes on. Call out for help. Stop this viciuos cycle. Yes your husband is worried. He's worried for you and the care of his child. I feel for you. - Reenie

[kusyldi]

Mixed feelings

Thx people, I so know I have to do this but really scared, because my life revolves around al. I love drinking and the thought of being a non drinker is frightening. How will I cope, will I be boring socially? so envious of those who can have a few and stop. Will I ever be able to enjoy wine in moderation, and act responsibly like the adult I am supposed to be - need to grow up...(I am 36)

[greeneyes]

Mixed feelings

Hello kusyldi and :welcome:. Good start by doming here seeking help. Your fears and questions are well known by all of us here. I think everyone has discovered they like themselves at LEAST as well as they did when they drank and so do their friends and family. Boring? NO. Alcohol generally makes people a bore, not the absence of. But for now, you need a plan to quit for a while before you think about what your habits will be down the road. Why don't you read RJ's book first. You can download it from the Health Store at the top of this page for about $12. Everyone here can offer support and advice as you develop and follow your plan. Best of luck to you, you have everything to gain by taking this step!

[Lavande]

Mixed feelings

Hi Kusy,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place!
Accepting you have a drinking problem is the first step - maybe the hardest! You've taken that step by coming here.
Now you need to commit yourself to quitting & just do it! If you haven't already download & read the MWO book from the Heath Store, it is full of useful info. Look in the Tool box (located in the Monthly Abstinence section) for good ideas to make your plan.

As far as moderate drinking in the future, don't worry about that right now. Get a good 30 AF days under your belt first then see how you feel. A lot of us, myself included changed our thinking on that. For me, I decided it's easier to remain AF, nothing to worry about - ever
You will not be boring socially that's junkie thinking. You will in time just learn to be yourself, happy & proud of your accomplishment!

Please feel free to drop in the 'Newbies Nest' thread for support. Lots of folks there just getting started as well.
Don't put this off, you can do it & will have no regrets! You will love the the freedom, the guiltless clearheaded mornings & the smiles from your husband & young child

Wishing you the best!

Lav

[mama bear]

Mixed feelings

Hi Kusy.....
I feel your pain and anxiety and I have been there. My husband threatened to leave me and my two teenage sons have begged me to stop. The hangovers at work are a bitch and the shame is horrible. You are doing the right thing. I just ordered my book and the starter kit and hpno CD's and I cannot wait for them to get here. My husband is a little skeptical but proud of me. Our lives WILL be better.....hang in there sweet girl and know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family.

[kusyldi]

Mixed feelings

:thanks: well day one gone, feeling ok - had a crappy night sleep with unwell child hey at least i was sober. Got up early this am and actually spent 30 mins on the treadmill for the first time in years. I hope i can keep it up. Lets see how 4oclock this afternoon goes??

[Guest]

Mixed feelings

kusyldi;805932 wrote: Thx people, I so know I have to do this but really scared, because my life revolves around al. I love drinking and the thought of being a non drinker is frightening. How will I cope, will I be boring socially? so envious of those who can have a few and stop. Will I ever be able to enjoy wine in moderation, and act responsibly like the adult I am supposed to be - need to grow up...(I am 36)

kusyldi,
I know this feeling all to well. I cannot imagine a life without al but whats worse is i cant imagine a life with al and continuing the downward spiral. i hid bottles and had to sneak al as well any way i could get it and when my wife went away it was all i could think about to drink freely although my kids are old enough to know what is going on and would tell on me. I have discovere baclofen and since starting (11 days ago) i have been AF for 7 days. I feel like I am the one making it happen but the Baclofen is sure making it easier. dont thing of never drinking again, just think that you cant continue to destroy yourself. good luck and feel free to reach out to me for supprot or just to talk. We can get through this together!

[HockeyMom]

Mixed feelings

totally relate

Dear Kusyldi,

I completely understand what you are saying about being torn about giving up drinking. I love it too - the taste and smell of wine, how it relaxes me. I also have a husband with disapproving eyes, and I hate that he's always watching me. It is so nice when he's gone and I can drink without guilt, but then I realized that I don't want to overdrink anymore for myself! It's no fun waking up with a headache and tired eyes, after drinking 1 to 1 1/2 bottles of wine.

But what's irritating, is that my husband doesn't trust me. Even if we're out with friends and I order just one glass of wine, he watches me suspiciously. I guess he's not sure if I'm going to go overboard this time - even though I know I won't. Tonight at an airport restaurant, he ordered a beer and I ordered a glass of chardonnay, and he questioned me in front of the waitress!! Saying - I thought you weren't going to drink wine anymore, you should get a margarita. UGGHHH! I was so angry and humiliated.

Then I realized that this is all my own doing, so I can't really blame him. I just wish he wouldn't micro-manage my behavior - I'm 43 years old!!

I also am envious of people who can drink in control. It's not fair!!

Hockey Mom

[kusyldi]

Mixed feelings

Hi Hockey Mom,

Been there, although he dosn't nesessary want me to 'give up' just control as he says I embarass him as we are supposed to be business people.

Once i used to think oh just leave me alone i am an adult am i am not aggressive but quite the opposite, I have heaps of fun... but the fun has just carried on from any day of the week - no event or visitor dosn't matter 4pm rolls around on weekdays earlier on weekends just because its 'the weekend' beer starts.

In our industry of work we don't really have a so called weekend, so people call in all the time which makes it very hard to stay AF.

I have been drinking everyday which of more consistency since i stopped breastfeeding my son at six months, he is now nearly 4. I will generally have at least 6 -9 beers and if i can be sneaky enough top up with some wine, thinking my partner has no idea - but when i am sitting outside alone smoking and do not remember him telling me to go to bed at least 3 times, of course he knows.

For the old hangover, I rarely get them anymore, only if i have a lot of wine. But i tell you i have such a busy life that i cannot afford to lounge about i class myself as a functional drunk.

Every shitty morning i wake and tell myself AF day today, never happens, by 4 pm all symptoms and memories of the night before have vanished and well down go the beers AGAIN. Most evenings i can't remember what i cooked for dinner or when i went to bed.

I need so badly to control this habit because 1) i dont want to lose my family and let my son see me this way and 2) I feel so unhealthy.

Thanks in advance for listening....

[mollyka]

Mixed feelings

Morning Hopingfor, HockeyMom,Kus and all else here
The feeling 'how can I live my life without AL' is a very powerful distressing one to an addicted drinker.
The concept ' one day at a time ' sounds like a bit of a cliche but its very valid and important. Today is the only day that counts, tomorrow will be dealt with another time, just get through today. Another thing that I have noticed as the days and weeks go by is that every time I don't drink now at a time or an occasion where I previously would have e.g. Sunday dinner, birthday, Sat night, It makes it easier not to drink the next time because I have already had a sober Sat night etc, its like a learned experience - I hope that makes sense, the association with alcohol and occasions becomes less each time.
The advantages to not drinking over the slavery of drinking are enormous, a few cravings - even strong ones are a very small price to pay and let the cravings just happen, they go away.
Molly