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    LionQueen, my story

    i have been a hi functioning alcoholic. sometimes i barely function. i started drinking after taking antidepressants when my mom was ill with lung cancer, not sure if that had anything to do with it but dr gave me wellbutrin. before that i was your typical take it or leave it. do not know what happened to me. so i started drinking daily when my mom got ill and went to detox once when i got so sick that i could not drink anymore and got very ill, did not know that i was in detox. i was vomiting, blood pressure high, heart pounding, ended up at the urgent care and was admitted for 3 days. was shocked that i was in detox. i had tried to drink but everytime i tried i vomited. i stayed sober after that for 8 months then tried a glass of wine and it was all downhill from there.
    now i am back to drinking every day, various amounts but currently down to 1/2 pint of vodka, although i could drink a full pint easily plus a few beers.
    i am a single mom, with 2 kids, one 23 and one 11. when my mom and then my dad got sick, both around the same time, i folded and started drinking daily. then i lost my job due to downsizing and then it really escalated. i continued to drink through the sickness and then deaths and ended up in detox in summer of 2008. i had a glass of wine in dec 08 and has been downhill from there. i came on here several days ago and just started reading, although i am a little confused about the program still. i have found everyone here very wonderful! yesterday was my daddys 3rd b day in heaven. but now that hard day is past` i was very very close to both my parents. i am tired of blacking out almost nightly, tired of feeling not very sober in the morning driving to work, tired of being tired. my daily stop is to get coffee and to get rid of the evidence from the night before. despite my efforts, my daughter has found evidence a few times and freaked out (11 yrs) but this i barely remember. i dont know whether she knows i am drinking everyday, i dont think so but kids know more than you think. my biggest challenge, in my own mind, is how to get through detox. my dr does not seem to understand but has given me clonopin 2x day, the half life is like 12 hours so you feel ok for the first couple hours then normal for the rest. i also have severe anxiety at times. i spoke with my daughter last night but the memory is fuzzy and i hate hate hate that. i was pretty toasted at that point. its now almost 2 am and am drinking a few beers to get back to sleep. in the spring of last year, i hired my sister to work with me, always as usual going out of my way to help my family ` even though not qualified to do the job actually. she is an alcoholic who does not drink but finds it easy to pass judgement. my brother is in rehab right now, i have his son at my home taking care of him, so i am taking care of a house of 6 myself as i also support my sons father as well. i guess the truth is i have created my own prison, i hate coming home, cause as soon as i do the drinking starts. and i am a closet drinker, i do not do it around anyone else. the other night i messed up and got messed up during the day, my daughter had to help me to bed.
    despite all of the above, i have signed up for neurofeedback therapy each thursday with my daughter but i find that difficult to stay sober for the appt. i do no drink n drive so no worries there. i am here looking for a plan to get AF and to eventually practice moderation if possible, if abstinence is what i need that is ok too. any help is very appreciated

    #2
    LionQueen, my story

    i also want to say that i hate my life that i am wasting day by day. this is so stupid and i am so much smarter than this! but the iq isnt quite enough to make me stop the insanity somehow. i just took a half of clonopin to get to sleep as i have to get up early for work. night all. i feel hopeless a lot of the time but something says to me i have what it takes to make it...i just dont know

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      #3
      LionQueen, my story

      Hi Lionqueen hope you get a good nights sleep - I am starting day 3AF hang in there and I wish you well on your journey to what can only be a much better life without AL. Be strong with all the ups and downs, I too have a very dependant family who want all of me all of the time and I know what the pressure is like. Saying no is the hardest thing but does come easier with each time you say it. Take care x
      Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

      Comment


        #4
        LionQueen, my story

        Hi Lionqueen,

        Welcome to MWO, this is a good place!
        You do have quite a bit on your plate right now. You really should speak honestly with your Doc, tell him/her your plan to detox at home. Some changes to your medication routine may be in order.

        If you haven't already, download & read the MWO book from the Health store, it's about $12. It explains the program, supplements used, etc. This is good info to share with your Doc.

        Mostly, take care of yourself and plan a safe detox for yourself. We will be happy to support you anyway we can. Please feel free to drop in the 'Newbies Nest' thread too.

        Wishing you the best,

        Lav
        AF since 03/26/09
        NF since 05/19/09
        Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

        Comment


          #5
          LionQueen, my story

          :welcome: lionqueen

          You are not alone with your alcohol problems, that is for sure. I too managed to somehow keep it together on the surface through many years of daily drinking. Over time though, it just keeps getting worse - not better as it seems you are finding.

          I look back now and am baffled that despite the obvious negative consequences I was experiencing as a direct result of drinking, I still wanted to find a way to keep drinking. That doesn't make any sense to me now. Does it really make sense to you? Just some food for thought.

          Getting myself over committed and then feeling resentful about it was another of my trademarks in the drinking days.

          The good news is that you CAN get free of AL's grip if you are willing to really work at it.

          Have you downloaded the My Way Out book? I think that's a great place to start in addition to reading about all the various methods people are succeeding with around the forum.

          Strength and hope to you!

          DG
          Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
          Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07


          One day at a time.

          Comment


            #6
            LionQueen, my story

            Hi Guys,
            I see alot of comments - "Wondering how we dont see what it is doing to us" Just remember this is a disease and one is not thinking in a clear frame of mind when our bodies and minds tell us this is a neccesity. We are all heroes that have stood up and said no, not anymore, I want my life back. Personally, I would love to be a moderate drinker but at this point I do not want to toucjh the stuff anymore because it is poison that not only destroys our bodies but tricks the mind into thinking we need it to feel complete.

            Comment


              #7
              LionQueen, my story

              welcome lion and it was great chatting withya last night and hope to see you here tonight .. thankx for sharing
              :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
              best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

              Comment


                #8
                LionQueen, my story

                Hi Lion. Your story sounds similar to mine, I also have a family (plus extended) who rely on me for EVERYTHING from money, to emotional support to daily care. Both of my parents are ill, my mom has ovarian cancer and my dad has suffered 2 heart attacks and is currently in the hospital with internal bleeding. I too was using AL daily for over a year after finding out about my Mom's cancer. I too was what you would call 'high functioning'. Everyone thought I was the picture of health, but I could feel what AL was doing to my body. I started having abdominal pain every day and I knew it was time to quit. That was about 3 weeks ago. I have had 2 set backs, but hopped right back up on the wagon.
                I know you can do it if being AF is truly your desire. It is so hard, but every day that I am able to wake up feeling strong, alert and excited gives me extra strength to keep going. I have been working at it every day and I try not to beat myself up if I make a mistake. Taking one day at a time is crucial for me as I would get overwhelmed thinking about all the 'what ifs'. I'll let the future jellybabyboo worry about that. Good luck to you and take care of yourself, for you and your daughter. I am convinced it is soooo worth it to try try try.

                Comment


                  #9
                  LionQueen, my story

                  Welcome, Lionqueen -

                  Good advice in all the previous posts. Just know it is possible to overcome this addiction, and life can and will get better. Much love to you! - Dance :h
                  ​​Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind ~ Bob Marley ~ Redemption Song

                  AUGUST 9, 2009

                  Comment


                    #10
                    LionQueen, my story

                    thanks all for your advice and well wishes. i didnt do as well as i would like last night, had 5 beers and very little vodka, better than i have been doing. i was in a state of anxiety all day and it was awful, as usual. i got through the day tho. i get the anxiety so bad sometimes i feel like i am going to pass out, especially happens when i am driving, which makes it just that much worse. jeez! i am going to dl the beginners guide. i think once i get the first 2 or 3 days i will be ok, its just the beginning that is the worst!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      LionQueen, my story

                      Hi Lionqueen,
                      It really sounds like you are going through alot at the moment! Its in all of us to get AL out of lives you just need to the tools to help you and you have found a great tool here. You deserve to be happy and anxiety free AL will only make the anxiety worse (but i know that you have probably been told that many times). Do the basics at this stage read the book, get the supplements and share you feelings and anxieties. Talking about you feelings does wonders and there are many around that will listen to here.
                      All the best with you recovery, you have the strength to do this.:l
                      Liquid MISERY guaranteed to distroy.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        LionQueen, my story

                        ok. last night was better. had 4 beers and 1/2 of a 1/2 pint vodka. i am slowly trying to taper off. i wish i could afford to dl the book but with supporting 6 people finding that a bit hard. of course, 3 days AF would cover that but i am not to that point yet, does anyone have any advice on finding a dr who will understand the protocol of meds? how did you do it? i dont think my dr would be willing do prescribe the nal/bac/top....will give me anitdepressants all day long tho. but based on what i have read here, i would not take them. my job at this time is highly stressful but that is short term and i am fully aware of it. my brother, who is in rehab, is being released after 2 weeks due to insurance not being willing to pay, another brother denies drug use but i have serious doubts. i am still taking care of the first brothers son until my brother gets out on Monday so that will lighten the load a bit. i often leave for work before 7 am and dont return until past 8 pm. i just so want to be healthy again and enjoy being home and being around people again. i find myself fine all day, then on the way home, the thoughts hit me, how to buy it, how to hide it, how to get it in the house, house to get the evidence destroyed, the whole thing. And when i get home, i am so darned tired, all i want to do is be isolated in my bedroom (whole 2nd floor) and be on the computer and all alone physically. my little girl is so worreid i will drink and constantly asks me to promise her i wont, of course every promise i make is crap. my son just came up and asked if i had fallen out of bed or fallen, i was sound asleep, must of kicked my laptop off my bed in my sleep. so now i am up at 3 am and back at it. i am drinking one beer and finishing off the 1/2 or 1/2 pint. i have another 1/2 pint after this plus 3 beers for tomorrow night. right now i am taking coq 10, doing neurofeedback (1st treatmeant), fiber, aspirin, klonopin as needed (yesterday took took .5 mg 2 x's. once in the am, once in the pm, nexium, a daily, have to now orchestrate how to get the empty beer bottles out of the house tomorrow. i talked the neurofeedback therapist about the meds, she did not seem enthused although she cdould not prescribe anyway. i feel that i am just the worker here, i work and work and then when i get home i am so tired i cant do much else except drink or is that my choice? when i am at work i work whether i feel like it or not.....why is that? i miss my mom and dad terribly right now. i found talking to them very empowering and relaxing. i remember coming home at the end of the dayh, sittling with my mom, having coffee, just talking. i remember talking to my dad all day long off and on n suddenly he was gone too. darn, i miss them so much!
                        i have currently a married guy who is interested in me, i feel i screwed up a relationship with my long term friend by getting angry over nothing seriously. stupid really, prob nothing i would have though twice about not drinking. he called my a pyscho and i did not react well to that...i dont know how to make it better right now. but it is what it is i guess. what is meant to be will be. he will call me the next time he gets drunk, he always does. help anyone to figure this out! lots of love, heather

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                          #13
                          LionQueen, my story

                          i just realized what i am calling 1/2 pint is 1/4 pint.

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                            #14
                            LionQueen, my story

                            Lionqueen,
                            Please do not give up on yourself. If you feel comfortable going to your dr, than I would go. I am on bac and it has been amazing, I chose not to try to keep drinking and just slow down, i want off of it alltogether and the bac is making it happen. I used to drink every night until I blacked out and now I have gone without for 10 days and do not miss it at all. If you do not know if your doctor will be supportive, print out some info to take with you, I went to my dr and he was open to the idea even though he had not done it before.
                            Remember, it's only going to get worse and does not help stress, it only masks it for a few short hours and eventually makes it worse.

                            Take care and dont be afraid to ask for help and advice here, we are all in the same boat as you in some degree or another. PM me if you would like to talk.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              LionQueen, my story

                              You asked about this... newswire

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