Feeling depressed..

[KatieB]

I am feeling so lonely and depressed right now.. I feel the whole "world" is against me! I fell out with my sister-in-law last week, when she said she was coming to take my son off me (to give to her brother, the Dad - this had NOT been arranged) - I called the police, and she sent me a nasty e-mail saying I was harrassing her! I was just scared she was going to come and take my son off me!
I have the court case coming up (in March) with my ex-husband and the assault charge for him assaulting me last year.. I know his whole family is going to be there.. and me, on my own..(I dont want to ask any friends to come with me as I am scared what will be revealed.. as I was drunk the night it happened and supposedly with another man - but this was not my choice - the man made a move on me and I tried to push him off when my ex came in and beat me up).. I feel so alone, i hardly have any friends.. I find it hard to keep friendships as I feel so insecure and feel worthless..
It could be so easy to sink into the bottle this weekend (my ex is having my son for the w/e), though I have now done 9 days AF.. I cant think of any other way to numb the pain! All my ex-husband's friends and family hate me, and blame me for his chance of going to jail - they think the situation was all my fault, and totally my blame? Can anyone help me with this pain i'm feeling, as I just don't know how I can go on, remaining AF - when I feel there is nothing going for me at all.. sometimes I think my son would be better off without me.. as I just keep making such a mess of things - how can I ever change, i'm stuck with who I am but don't like who I am???

[Sweaty Betty]

Feeling depressed..

What happened? You were so proud of yourself for not drinking this afternoon!

Everything you have to deal with will not be made any easier by hitting the bottle. Concentrate on one day at a time and have your great solo weekend.

Bets

[redhibiscus]

Feeling depressed..

kbrown,
Hey, no drink or drug will make any of this better. The guilt and shame of drinking will just come back to make things worse.

I work with kids and I am telling you...your son needs you sober. Hold your head up high and know in your heart you are doing the right thing AF. It sounds like you keep reliving the night of the horrible incident and worrying about the future. Two things out of your control.

A hard part of being AF is feeling your feelings. Getting through the pain without a numbing agent. You can do it. Journal, exercise, post, call someone, anything to get through this time. You are important and worthwhile. The journey of being AF is finding your sober self. Starting to like yourself again.

I made a list of things I like about myself when sober. Also stuff I like to do that gives me happiness. Maybe that would help? Sending you strength and hope.:l

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

Sweaty Betty - I know, I was proud of myself! but then I saw something written on FB, by a friend of my ex's (a girl) - who wrote something catty that was aimed at me.. I just can't bear the animosity any more! my entire life I have made enemies everywhere, i'm now 31 years old, and wonder when it's ever going to end?? Are people going to be mean to me for my entire life?? I don't do anything, im just doing the best I can, I am never mean to anyone! What have I done to deserve this horrible life I have had? Apart from my son, most of my life has totally sucked.. I am just over it.
Thank you redhibiscus - I guess its all "new" to me, this feeling of pain, as I am so used to numbing my feelings with alcohol when I get hurt.. I have to learn to deal with my emotions soberly.. my son is with my ex this w/e.. but I know AL will not make things better for me.. I just have to try and learn a new way to think! Which is difficult as I have been negative most of my life.. I will really try and not to feel too sorry for myself this w/e..

[Guest]

Feeling depressed..

KB, darling, please don't give in. Having a drink will make you feel more depressed. And then you'll have to deal with guilt and a hangover tomorrow.

You need to stay strong to fight your ex and fight for your son. AL won't make you strong.

Why don't you spring-clean your FB account? Delete this woman and put a block on her. That way she won't be able to see you and you won't be able to see her nasty comments. Delete anyone that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. (If you don't know how to do this, let me know and I can talk you through it.)

Your ex's friends and family are just worried that he will be "outed" as a bad person. They probably know already but don't want it formally confirmed.

How old is your son? Can you join any clubs together to meet new people? It takes time and effort and you won't click with everyone but you will be making a start.

Your son would not be better without you. One of my friends grew up without his mother and you wouldn't believe the impact on his life.

Stay strong and drop in soon to let us know how you're getting on.

Spam

xx

[Hippy Chick]

Feeling depressed..

Kbrown. Success is the best revenge. Beat this beast, get well and show them all how truly wonderful and strong you are. Dont let them win by giving in to AL. Your son needs his mum. Do as Spam suggests and spring clean your facebook account (dont ya just love public forums, when used in the wrong way they cause so much damage. I've not been on facebook alot since I found this place as this is a more supportive, healthier environment to be in).
If you feel like talking send me a personal message. Although I am on the other side of the country I am just a PM away.
Stay strong and think of how good you felt this afternoon when you resisted AL.
Take care
HC

[Miss October]

Feeling depressed..

Hi KBrown,

There is no love stronger that a mother's love for her son. I know. I have two boys. He needs you as much as you need him. Just think by the time the weekend is over, you will have 11 AF days and your son back. You will be on top of the world then. Sending hugs and comfort to you :l

Miss O.

[Doggygirl]

Feeling depressed..

Hi kbrown. I think it's wonderful that through all this difficulty and pain, you continue to choose sobriety. I agree with all before me who have said that alcohol will do NOTHING to ease you pain, and will only make things worse. If it's bad now, why would you do anything that would make it worse, right?

No one among us can do a thing to change what we have done in our past. We can ONLY do something about today, and make it the best day possible. For me, learning how to stay in "today" and make the most of it, and not over worrying about the future has been a blessing.

I hope you continue to choose sobriety for today, and find positive things to do for today. I know you can do it. There IS a better life available for all of us if we just get free of AL's grip.

DG

[greeneyes]

Feeling depressed..

Ditto! Try to keep busy!

[mario]

Feeling depressed..

ditto what everyone else says and also Start small and stay focused
The key to recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. Draw upon whatever resources you have. You may not have much energy, but you probably have enough to take a short walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.

Take things day by day and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but if you make time for them each day, they’ll quickly add up. And for all the energy you put in to your depression recovery, you’ll get back much more in return.keep posting your feelings & thoughts we have all been there,you are not alone.

[mama bear]

Feeling depressed..

Hi KB...
have you considered talking to your doctor about getting on some anti depressants? They really do help and may be another tool u can use to fight....
We are here for you sweetie and pray for your continued strength. Actually I admire you....I am in a happy marriage, with two loving sons and lots of support. I can not imagine doing this without them. You are doing this alone and I find that amazing.

[kusyldi]

Feeling depressed..

One thing kbrown, i say get off FB. I found it to be depressing and can be debilitating to your self esteem when looking at posts and everyones so called perfect lives... I too have a young son and was drunk one night and a man took advantage of my vunerability by embracing me and my partner walked in. Now he did not beat me up and yes he has forgiven me and we stayed together - but i still drink and he hates it.

i drink because i enjoy it, and i drink to numb any feelings. esspecially when it comes to my partner. we are really busy people and i crave his attention so rather than 'annoy' him i drink. I too hate it and have considered leaving after big sessions of booze and think that my son would be better off without me, and just walking out.

I will drink again today, i know it. i just cant stop at a couple - this week i started exercising again and i feel a lot more positive the feeling you get is good but dosnt last long enough. i suffer from a very low self worth too and i don't have an army of friends either, i find freindships very hard.

But none the less if you can do 9 days AF you are a strong person well done - i am lucky to get 1. and that is usually after i have mixed beer and wine and have a nasty guilty hangover. pathetic hey?
Easier said than done I know but try pampering yourself this weekend - go for a pedicure, have your lashes tinted, do some girly stuff if thats what you like or sleep or anything but drink as everyone said it will numb the current pain but think about the after affects - keep level headed for your precious little man.
Good luck.

[Gold]

Feeling depressed..

Hi Kbrown,

It's hard to cope when you are experiencing emotional pain and all sorts of things are going around in your head. One thing is for certain and that is that your son is far better with you than without you, there is no question that it would be otherwise so please put any such thoughts from your mind.

You've talked about feeling insecure and worthless and this is surely what is at the heart of your difficulties. The people around you seem to be taking their own issues out on you, you cannot be blamed for your ex-husband's violence toward you.

Perhaps you are already doing this but I would urge you to seek some help for yourself in overcoming your feelings of worthlessness. You are not worthless, you deserve consideration and respect from other people and a happy life.

Things are as they are, you have not made a mess of things try to see what you might perceive as mistakes as lessons instead, and therefore opportunities to make changes. As has been suggested writing your feelings down and your feelings about others would at least get some of the pain out.

You are worthy and you do not need to concern yourself with other's judgements of you, that is their problem not yours. Your responsibility is to your self-worth, and to your son.

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

:thanks:Wow.. thank you guys so much.. I cannot believe the wonderful support I have found with this site.. I cannot believe my luck in finding such a lovely group of caring, compassionate and understanding people.. I have done as some people have suggested, and got rid of a lot of my "friends" on FB - I find FB can sometimes feel like I am back at school again; it seems to turn (some) grown adults into petty children!.. I haven't closed down my account, but I will certainly NOT be going on there much anymore.. at least whilst my self-esteem is so fragile.
I am seeing a professional counsellor about my issues with low self-esteem.. and I have improved a fair bit since the way I was last year - for instance, I have not self-harmed for over 12 months.. but I still have these depressing thoughts about my self-worth..
I will stay away from AL this weekend - and thanks to all your wonderful words of wisdom, I know it would be a silly thing to do, especially when feeling low.. as I don't want to end up in hospital again, unable to work or look after my son.. I am going to have a nice long sleep as I am exhausted, and then watch some DVD's and eat pizza!! I don't often eat junk food, so I will treat myself today.. I also spent a nice hour in the park with my son this morning before my ex came to pick him up.. so that was a nice start to the day..

[Guest]

Feeling depressed..

KB, Glad to see you've posted! I've been thinking about you.

Well Done on FB. I don't spend so much time on there now that I have found this site.

For me (the school geek), I suppose I have been using FB to show everyone "how good my life is now." Gosh - how come school "friendships" can still have an impact on us 20 years down the line.

Enjoy the pizzas and the DVD's. Why don't you get a foot scrub and face mask or something and pamper yourself.

Every day you don't drink you will look and feel better. How good will that be for you and your son.

When you go to court, go with your help head high. Remember that whilst we cannot be there in person, we will be with you all the way.

Spam xx