Feeling depressed..

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

Thank you, Spam.. the court case is still 5 weeks away, but I know that will go by quickly.. i will feel all your support on the day..
I know what you mean about FB - its like a popularity contest for one (with people competing for the highest amount of "friends" - though my sister-in-law admitted she actually has only met about 50 people out of the 400 she has on her list), and the other is that I also feel the need to "impress" those people from school, even though none of them gave a damn about me and i've not seen any of them for years! Why do I care?????!!

I have had such a relaxing day so far.. enjoyed my pizza (fire-eater, yum!), and had choc pud for dessert.. I've lost alot of weight recently due to all the stress i've been under - so I really needed a good pig-out!!:H
Watched 'The Proposal' on DVD - lovely, 'feel good' movie.. and now off to have a sleep as I have to work til midnight tonight..
I am so pleased that I woke up to everyone's supportive messages this morning, as without you guys I would have been so tempted to get drunk today and not worked tonight.. but instead, I feel in a much calmer place, and done things today that have made me feel good - unlike alcohol which would have made me feel worse.. especially with the guilt.. but in particular, I am very afraid of what may happen if I drink again.. :eeks:.. with all the stupid things I have done when under the influence.. I know I cannot ever go back and drink again, or I could lose everything, in particular my little boy (who is now 22 months old)..

[MommyDearest72]

Feeling depressed..

Kbrown;808367 wrote: I am feeling so lonely and depressed right now.. I feel the whole "world" is against me! I fell out with my sister-in-law last week, when she said she was coming to take my son off me (to give to her brother, the Dad - this had NOT been arranged) - I called the police, and she sent me a nasty e-mail saying I was harrassing her! I was just scared she was going to come and take my son off me!
I have the court case coming up (in March) with my ex-husband and the assault charge for him assaulting me last year.. I know his whole family is going to be there.. and me, on my own..(I dont want to ask any friends to come with me as I am scared what will be revealed.. as I was drunk the night it happened and supposedly with another man - but this was not my choice - the man made a move on me and I tried to push him off when my ex came in and beat me up).. I feel so alone, i hardly have any friends.. I find it hard to keep friendships as I feel so insecure and feel worthless..
It could be so easy to sink into the bottle this weekend (my ex is having my son for the w/e), though I have now done 9 days AF.. I cant think of any other way to numb the pain! All my ex-husband's friends and family hate me, and blame me for his chance of going to jail - they think the situation was all my fault, and totally my blame? Can anyone help me with this pain i'm feeling, as I just don't know how I can go on, remaining AF - when I feel there is nothing going for me at all.. sometimes I think my son would be better off without me.. as I just keep making such a mess of things - how can I ever change, i'm stuck with who I am but don't like who I am???

HELLO k... i JUST ENDED A NASTY CUSTODY BATTLE WITH MY EX...i WITHDREW THE PETITION. hE TOOK MY SON 3 MONTHS AGO AND IT WAS SHEER HELL! i HAVE 3 AND HE TOOK THE YOUNGEST...aLL i CAN SAY IS HIS REASONING FOR WHY HE TOOK MY SON HAD LITTLE TO DO WITH MY AL, AND MORE OF A POWER STRUGGLE-I HAD TO SEE THAT IT WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. THIS HAS GIVEN ME SOME SPACE AND AN ABILITY TO DEAL WITH ME FOR A WHILE. I'VE BEEN AF 21 DAYS OUT OF 25, SO I THINK IM DOING OKAY. EACH DAY IS A STRUGGLE DARLING, A FIGHT! you'll know when you're tired enough and take it minute by minute. TRUST ME! and I still f-up! BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT! I WAS IN COURT ALONE TOO-AND REALIZED GOS WAS/IS W ME! AND AFTER THE COURT DATE- YOU WILL FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED, BECAUSE ULTIMATELY WE ARE ALONE. YOU CAN DO IT!!! P.S- NOBODY HAS TH RIGHT TO LAY THEIR HANDS ON YOU ...I DONT CARE IF YOUR LEGS WERE WRAPPED AROUND SOMEONES HEAD. IT WAS HIS CHOICE NOT TO WALK AWAY....THINK ABOUT IT-IF YOU WOULD HAVE INJURED HIM DRUNK,HIGH, SOBER OR INDIFFERENT, YOU WOULD'VE BEEN LOCKED UP. iSNT IT ENOUGH WE HURT OURSELVES ALREADY?:l:h

[Hippy Chick]

Feeling depressed..

Hi Kbrown. You sound alot happier today. I too have been thinking about you and hoping you are getting thru OK. You have made some positives steps in the right direction. Well done! As eveyone says it is the little steps that start the journey. Take each moment as they come and dont think too much about what will happen in the future.
Be proud of yourselve as you have done really well.
Take care
HC

PS Well said Mommydearest

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

:wings:Thanks, Hippy.. I'm feeling much more positive today - its amazing how a good sleep and some self-indulgence makes you feel good about yourself! And staying away from AL; I know I have to learn new (sober) ways of dealing with my issues.. or they will never go away, and I will keep stuffing up my life if I turn to AL every time things get tough..
Mamabear - I don't want to go on anti-depressants as i've been on them in the past and they made me worse.. thanks for the tip though, but I want to do this by re-training my brain.. through counselling and determination on my part..
Gold - thank you.. I will certainly look at my past 'mistakes' as huge lessons instead.. and I am seeing a psychologist about my self-esteem.. its a work in progress!
Mommydearest - thank you too.. I know you are right - my ex had no right to do what he did to me regardless of the circumstances - besides, it was his idea to invite those people to our house, and he was ignoring me all night, though I kept trying to engage him.. he shunned me to hang out with this girl - its almost like he wanted something bad to happen; well it did - I had to have a metal plate put in my eye socket! There is no excuse for that - a lot of people I know cannot believe it - especially men, they all say they would have gone after the man, not me!
Anyway.. i'm taking one day at a time, trying to learn new, positive ways of thinking so I can finally be happy - I have punished myself enough in my life, now is time to turn things around.. 10 days AF, i'm so pleased.. thanks again for all your messages/posts.. xx:l

[Gold]

Feeling depressed..

I'm glad you're feeling so much better. We are all a work in progress and it takes courage to face up to things and work our way through them. With your son being so young he will be growing up with a mother who has self respect and you will pass that onto him.

I think we punish ourselves far more than anyone else ever can so it is good you have decided to stop doing that, and alcohol only serves to provide more reasons! By the time the court case comes up you will be 45 days AF just imagine how strong you will be and those other people will seem sad to you because they don't know how to be peaceful.

Kbrown;808934 wrote: :wings:Thanks, Hippy.. I'm feeling much more positive today - its amazing how a good sleep and some self-indulgence makes you feel good about yourself! And staying away from AL; I know I have to learn new (sober) ways of dealing with my issues.. or they will never go away, and I will keep stuffing up my life if I turn to AL every time things get tough..
Mamabear - I don't want to go on anti-depressants as i've been on them in the past and they made me worse.. thanks for the tip though, but I want to do this by re-training my brain.. through counselling and determination on my part..
Gold - thank you.. I will certainly look at my past 'mistakes' as huge lessons instead.. and I am seeing a psychologist about my self-esteem.. its a work in progress!
Mommydearest - thank you too.. I know you are right - my ex had no right to do what he did to me regardless of the circumstances - besides, it was his idea to invite those people to our house, and he was ignoring me all night, though I kept trying to engage him.. he shunned me to hang out with this girl - its almost like he wanted something bad to happen; well it did - I had to have a metal plate put in my eye socket! There is no excuse for that - a lot of people I know cannot believe it - especially men, they all say they would have gone after the man, not me!
Anyway.. i'm taking one day at a time, trying to learn new, positive ways of thinking so I can finally be happy - I have punished myself enough in my life, now is time to turn things around.. 10 days AF, i'm so pleased.. thanks again for all your messages/posts.. xx:l

[Guest]

Feeling depressed..

Hi KB,

Glad to see you're still "reporting in" and adding to your AF days.

Underneath your low self esteem lies a strong woman. I can see you are strong because you are here, asking for assistance and you've been AF for 10 days.

Well done for working through the weekend.

Spam

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

Thank you, Spam.. I know I am strong, I can overcome anything, especially after what I went through last year - after my ex assaulted me at the party, I didn't drink alcohol for 10 weeks.. but then I slowly started again - that's why I found this site.. I was just looking for something to help me.. so far so good! I have been given lots of motivation and support.. my 2nd weekend in a row AF free! I must continue if I am to be a better person and mother.. x

[Chillgirl]

Feeling depressed..

Kbrown - I just wanted to say well done, you are doing great!
Two weekends AF is fantastic x

[Doggygirl]

Feeling depressed..

Something I heard along my journey to sobriety really hit home for me. It was true for me to.

"I didn't get in trouble every time I drank. But every time I got in trouble, drinking was somehow involved."

That helped me solidify the role that alcohol was truly playing in the problems in my life.

DG

[mama bear]

Feeling depressed..

Doggygirl...
so true!

[KatieB]

Feeling depressed..

Doggygirl - that is so very true!! I used to convince myself that drinking was not the problem as I would not get into trouble every time I drank.. and that SOMEtimes I could drink and stop at a couple.. however.. like that quote you said, looking back.. AL was almost always present when terrible things have happened in my life.. so I must stay AF!
and thank you Chillgirl.. it does feel good..