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[BUNNY]

and totally pissed out of my head.,............................ i just HATE myself............................................ :upset:

[Funny Girl]

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Don't feel too bad Bunny - tomorrow is another day! Don't beat yourself up.

[BUNNY]

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No see i have to beat myself up or why bother... kiss the booboo and make it go away? it doesn`t work that way, at least not for me....

[Funny Girl]

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I'm not suggesting you don't think about it, but you can't change what is already done. Better to just move on & focus on a better time. We all have ups & downs - believe me - I make so many mistakes & disappoint myself often. I'm just trying to get back up & try again . . . .it's hard, I know.

[BUNNY]

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sorry... didn`t mean to sound like a bitch.... just real mad right now. mad at my father for being a drunk, mad at my mom for being blind but just mad at me, i`m responsible for me, no one else...

[Hypernova]

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Like you

I often set it up so I have to beat myself up. Seems like a cycle of not liking who you are and then setting yourself up for any reason to fail and then saying to yourself you are no good or a failure, etc. and then whamo over and over. I talked w/ a friend and she told me all the positive qualities I have and that I should fight for myself. Cliche sounding, learn to love yourself. Then fight for that love. Get a heavy bag if you want to beat something and stop the self destroying behaviour. You are definitely worth it and life is waaay to short to be so unhappy, I know this firsthand. If I treated friends as roughly as I do myself I would not have a single friend and would not deserve one. Shut the door on the 4 and be a friend to yourself.

[BUNNY]

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I know you are right hypernova. But how do you go about loving yourself when you`ve spent a lifetime doing just the opposite? I know i`m a good person, a good wife and mother but unfortunately the self confidence just isn`t there, no matter how much i try to convince myself... i`m sorry to be rambling on so, it`s the booze talking, i`m normally much more reserved.

[MommyDearest72]

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BUNNY;808841 wrote: I know you are right hypernova. But how do you go about loving yourself when you`ve spent a lifetime doing just the opposite? I know i`m a good person, a good wife and mother but unfortunately the self confidence just isn`t there, no matter how much i try to convince myself... i`m sorry to be rambling on so, it`s the booze talking, i`m normally much more reserved.

Hey Gurl... I just got your message. But guess what- YOU DRANK-FUCK IT AND KEEP IT MOVING. PITY PARTY OVER. SLEEP IT OFF AND BE READY TO FIGHT AGAIN TMRW. IT IS WHAT IT IS. DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP-BUT OWN IT, THAT I GET. NONETHELESS, TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY FULL OF CHALLENGES AND HOPE! I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW MY STUFF:l

[Funny Girl]

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Bunny - none of us would be here if we had high levels of self confidence . . .I think we all struggle. All I know is that I'm trying to be kinder to myself & to celebrate the minor successes more than I've always focused on the bigger failures. I think it takes time. You'll be ok with all of these great people supporting you.

[Gold]

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BUNNY;808810 wrote: sorry... didn`t mean to sound like a bitch.... just real mad right now. mad at my father for being a drunk, mad at my mom for being blind but just mad at me, i`m responsible for me, no one else...

It's true that we are responsible for ourselves but not when we were growing up, if our parents through their own difficulties were unable to foster our self-esteem and love for ourselves. Have some insight and compassion for the child that you were and allow love for yourself to grow from there.

[BUNNY]

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Goodmorning everyone,
I`m a little hungover this morning? ended up having pretty much the whole bottle. I`m very dissapointed yes, i won`t deny it, but i`m trying to not be too mad at myself. I have to remember all the progress I have done in the last month and focus on that. Hypernova after rereading your post again this morning it dawned on me that that is exactly what i`m doing, setting myself so i can bang myself down, again, and again.... i`m always making sure everyone around me is happy and content, trying to take care of my aging parents who are both now heavy drinkers (my dad kind of convinced my mom that it`s good for her and since she could never say no to him well....now she`s joined the club) and they have both been diagnosed with dementia. Another something to look forward to if we keep drinking. I take care of all these people, that i love dearly, but somehow i got lost.. i guess i always had issues with loving myself, and once i had a family i didn`t have to think about me anymore and i could just focus my energy on them. I have a lot more issues than just drinking to deal with. Funnygirl i apologize again for my answer to your first post, you were just trying to be kind and i wasn`t. thank you.. MD, I luv you girl! and Gold, you`re right that it is our parents responsibility to help us achieve a sense of self-worth and confidence, childhood is a crucial moment in our lives that will dictate what kind of adults we will become. Every experience we live will have an impact. wether big or small, but an impact all the same. My parents were both there, physically that is, my dad was either drunk or busy working and my mom was looking after him, still is... I just don`t want my kids to remember me that way and I especially want them to be strong, it`s so important...

[mama bear]

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I agree with Mommy Dearest......get over it,get upand start the fight again......at least that is what I tell myself!!!
Hang tough sister!
Just try for an AF weekend......or day......or hour.......

[Doggygirl]

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Welcome back Bunny. You have outlined a lot of good reasons to stay sober - so you don't follow in the footsteps of your parents as it pertains to AL.

I don't know if this is an issue for you. It was for me. Whenever people around me, especially family, asked anything of me I would always say yes. I would get myself way over committed and then I would get mad and resentful that *they* were being so *demanding* on me.

What I have learned is that it is my responsibility to say "NO" when that is the right answer. There is only so much time in a day. I have my own responsibilities and also need to take care of "me." What I am getting better at (still needs work though!) is saying "let me check my calendar" or "let me think about that" before just saying "yes" to everything and then getting angry about it. Let's face it - it's not somebody else's fault that I said yes all the time! That's up to me as a grown up to manage my time! Then I think about it and have started being able to stay "no" more often.

This means I am taking responsilbility for my life rather than setting myself up as a "victim" and then wanting to drink my problems away in a big ol' pity party. (not saying you are doing that - just saying that's what I did!) It's not always comfortable for me to say "no" especially at first! But I'm getting used to it LOL. This doesn't mean I do nothing for anyone else. It just means I try to do the most important things, and make sure I take care of me in the process.

At any rate, for yourself just look at the situation and adjust your plan so that next time you hit against these triggers you won't drink over them! Learn and move forward. That's all we can do.

DG

[BUNNY]

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Yes Doggygirl, that is me, always had a hard time saying No. I`m the pro at keeping things bottled up, i can store a lot of trash in there and when the pressure builds, KABOOM!!!!!! and everyone seems so shocked, where did that come from? That`s another thing i have to work on, and i have started with the saying NO part, obviously it`s easier to do that when you`re sober, but still a learning process.... i guess i drink to lessen the pressure on the garbage can, maybe i should just empty it out....

[Hypernova]

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Hi Bunny. Obviously by all the posts you've received people like you and are there for you!
What a testament that is to the person you are! I can tell we are a lot alike as far as our past and our self deprecating behaviour goes. Life itself can be a battle. If you are a fighter you will do what it takes. Once you conquer yourself you will then be rewarded with a life filled with the bounty God has set before us if we will just reach out and take hold of it. The trip to mastering yourself need not be an arduous one filled with pain but rather a slow appreciative & rewarding journey. Enjoy yourself along the way. Expect setbacks and welcome victories no matter how small. My correspondence to you helps me as much as I hope it will you. It reminds me of all the positive thoughts I know are kicking around in me somewhere. ~~By the way I don't see it as a garbage can but rather an over- filled pressure cooker with the heat on too high. Try and lower the heat and be kind to yourself. Looking forward to our progress. Today is day 5 AF and I see it as a mile marker. Go for it and I look forward to reading your posts again.