i need hope

[rosepetal]

i have not posted for awhile because i went down and under. I want to talk about every damn little detail that has entailed me to this destruction of my life. However TRUST IS AN ISSUE. I am so miserable right now because I know I can go AF but i have chosen not to allowing bits of pieces get to me.

I feel that everytime I am ahead DOOM is going to happpen. Guess it seems it to once I am on my game Dooooooooooooooooom, . So once I am back on track BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM everything goes to hell. i am back where I started from.

I strongly want to keep believing in myself but how can i do that when everywhere I turn this and that goes wrong. I have been dealing with a lot of issues for a long period of time and once get one thing under control then is another. It just seems like it is never going to be ok.

I really need to get this off my mind I callled my sister today just to see how she is doing and to make a long story short our jobs our connected. I didn't even bring up the fact that we had the same course and she made it very clear that I didn't know what I was talking about. this isn ongoing thing, I have tried to limit my connection with her and my Dad because they both make me feel like I am worthless. I have met so many families and they don't do that. The only people they treat like this my Mom and me and for quite awhile my Mom has seemed indifferent as well.

I f I don't call them I will never hear from them again it hurts and I am tired of this.




I believe that in order to understand someone is to understand love is the most precious thing on this earth.

[Sarasmiles]

i need hope

Sending you good wishes and kind thoughts. Family issues can be so hard to deal with, and it hurts so much when we feel isolated or misunderstood. Don't give up on yourself no matter what your family's limitations are. We all know so well that the answer is not in the bottle...Keep coming here for support. You're not alone.

[Lavande]

i need hope

Rosepetal,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so alone right now.
You are not alone, in fact there is a huge group of people here ready to send you hugs!
It seems that loved ones, your own family can do the most damage when they turn against you. I have found much more kindness & respect here than I ever could have hoped for - this is a good place!
Please keep reading & posting, drop in the Newbies Nest thread & say hello. We will support you all we can

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[Hippy Chick]

i need hope

Hi Rosepetal. Sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Hang in there. Just take one day, one hour or one minute at a time and you will get stronger.
Sending you love and come and see us in the nest.
Hippy Chick x

[Sophie75]

i need hope

Rosepetal, you are just lovely. Now come on into the newbie nest and take a rest from worrying about your family. We are all in this together, helping and caring for each other. :h

[gyco]

i need hope

hope

rosepetal;809445 wrote: i have not posted for awhile because i went down and under. I want to talk about every damn little detail that has entailed me to this destruction of my life. However TRUST IS AN ISSUE. I am so miserable right now because I know I can go AF but i have chosen not to allowing bits of pieces get to me.

I feel that everytime I am ahead DOOM is going to happpen. Guess it seems it to once I am on my game Dooooooooooooooooom, . So once I am back on track BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM everything goes to hell. i am back where I started from.

I strongly want to keep believing in myself but how can i do that when everywhere I turn this and that goes wrong. I have been dealing with a lot of issues for a long period of time and once get one thing under control then is another. It just seems like it is never going to be ok.

I really need to get this off my mind I callled my sister today just to see how she is doing and to make a long story short our jobs our connected. I didn't even bring up the fact that we had the same course and she made it very clear that I didn't know what I was talking about. this isn ongoing thing, I have tried to limit my connection with her and my Dad because they both make me feel like I am worthless. I have met so many families and they don't do that. The only people they treat like this my Mom and me and for quite awhile my Mom has seemed indifferent as well.

I f I don't call them I will never hear from them again it hurts and I am tired of this.




I believe that in order to understand someone is to understand love is the most precious thing on this earth.

hi rose,theres always hope,i dont quite understand same course unless u mean there drinkers and dont get it,or they dont understand why yur the way u are,you have to work on you,and the only people that will understand u are people who get they have an addiction,doesnt mean yur alchoholic,unless u choose to beleive tht,if u had a alergy to food and weighed 500 lbs they mt understand,or many other addictions,al and drug addiction are the most misunderstood,and as far a s forgiveness, ? i do wish u well i sure hope it helps.ps helps to talk to councillors to ot treatment many options :welcome::goodjob:

[mama bear]

i need hope

Hi Sweet Rosepetal.....
You are not alone baby....we can be your new family!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED...I have been on supplements and CD's for three days....I have been reading my book. No Topa yet since it has not arrived....
Anyway - my hubby went to happy hour, which as all of you know has become an issue for me, and then we went to the movies where they serve wine and beer.
I had ONE beer and DID NOT WANT ANYMORE......I cannnot believe this.......
SO hang in there and follow the program and come here for love and support...
Smmooches from the South!!

[Doggygirl]

i need hope

Hi rosepetal. I'm sorry that you are hurting. Family hurt goes very deep I think. Of course AL won't help fix that (or anything else).

I used to have certain expectations and visions of how my family aught to be and how we all aught to act and treat each other. I ended up feeling hurt and frustrated a LOT because of course things in real life rarely turned out the way I imagined they should in my head. I realized as part of my recovery work from AL that I was setting myself up for this hurt by "expecting" behavior from others that is far outside of my control. I am trying to learn to accept people and things as they are, and they are often imperfect just as I am imperfect. My own life and mind are far more peaceful as a result.

I don't know if that is helpful or gives food for thought or not - just putting in out there in case.

I hope you find your way!

DG

[hippie37]

i need hope

Rose, I'm going to share something personal with you too seen as you've been honest enough to do the same yourself. Because for me, that's what this community is about and how we help each other.

I have 2 brothers one who is 14 months older than me and another who is 5 1/2 years younger than me. My relationship with my older brother has been something that's effected me greatly through my life. He was someone, even as a child, who didn't like loosing. He was (and still is) very much a perfectionist. I can still remember playing a family game of Monopoly when we were younger. He landed on my row of properties with hotels on them and he couldn't afford to pay me. This resulted in a major tantrum and it made me feel that I'd done something wrong because of his behaviour. This too lead to me feeling controlled by him. He just hated loosing and it seemed even worse when that was to me. Being the first born he was somewhat spoiled by my Nan and this made me feel left out a lot of the time when she'd turn up with presents for him and not me. Because of all this, I was always trying to please him or impress him just so I would feel worthy in his eyes. So right from early childhood I had low self esteem.

When my younger brother was born and growing up things became a little easier because (guess what?) all those behaviours my older brother portrayed I could now display with my younger brother to feel better about my self.

So being stuck in the middle like this I was always either feeling superior or inferior depending on who's company I was in. This family stuff is a lot of where my addictive behaviour began that lead me into using substances later on in life.

I have issues of control that in the past lead me to rebel against authority. I have issues of trying to be perfect all the time. I don't like being made to think I'm a failure or people are laughing at me behind my back. I still have low self esteem and self worth some days. I have a whole list of issues that I'm dealing with today from my past. They don't just come easily to someone like me when I've spend years trying to avoid them. As you can see in my signature, my sobriety date does not mean I have this cracked in anyway because of the length of time I have. I'm constantly trying to motivate myself to move forwards and build bridges from my past to the future.

The first thing I had to do was to just cling to the hope that things will get better even when at times I felt like I was in a black hole. My journey involved going through an addiction treatment center for 3 months where I was involved in group work and 1 x 1 counseling amongst other workshops. This was where I was able to explore these family issues and start to accept things for what they were. I've started to love my brother rather than judge him for the things that happened when we were children. I've accepted he has his life and I have mine. I can't live my life through the eyes of anyone else but my own. So when people may judge me for my opinion or way of doing things I don't let that become a part of me and my belief system. I've been doing that all my life until my beliefs were so ingrained in the past and my childhood that I was never going to be free.

My brother is the man he is. I can't change him to become the person and brother I want him to be. He makes his own choices and mistakes in life as do I. I am not my brother's keeper nor he mine. If he chooses to judge me for my way of life then I don't hold onto the resentment for him doing so. So what? He doesn't think I'm any good at computer skills because he works in IT. I'm not in competition with him anymore to be the perfect human being on this earth. Maybe I am crap at computer skills and need to learn more? So I would say probably say to my brother today "thank you for pointing that out to me, maybe you could help me with improving my skills then?".

Learn to accept that you as an individual deserve your love with all your imperfections too. Don't be so hard on yourself and think you've got to sort this sibling rivalry out right now. It will take years believe me if your issues run as deep as mine. Just concentrate on taking this one day at a time and don't pick up a drink. The changes will start to happen the more you work at your recovery and concentrate on YOU and your life and stop worrying about everybody else and what they think of you.

As your username suggests you are fragile and beautiful thing that is just as much an important part of the flower as the thorns that grow too. Accept yourself as a whole flower imperfections and all and you'll start to see things differently I'm sure.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[mama bear]

i need hope

Hippy 37...I am always so moved by your posts and your honesty.
I think you should change your name to Doctor Love and Support!