Getting worse and I am just scared

[ATLThrash]

This is the first day I have been on your site and I hope it will help. For the first 37 years of my life I was an extremely disciplined (almost too disciplined but more on that later) high achiever. Fear of failure i realized seemed to motivate alot of what I did. I was so afriad of not being in control that I never really drank at all until a bit in college and then never more than 2 drinks a week until after I had my first (and only child) at almost 38. I quit work (as an attorney) to stay at home with my child (and because of some non alcohol related health issues) , my husband and I thought it was for the best and I still think overall it probably is. However, during the pregnancy I gained alot of weight. The iron control I always kept over myself went out the door in that respect. After I had the baby I had post partum depresssion and struggled with losing my old life and my old appearance. The biggest thing was I felt so out of control. However instead of treating ti like I always had in the past-- buckling down and getting back to control-- I just lost control completely. I lost about 40 of the pounds I gained (I gained 80) but I started drinking during the last nap time. I never drove with the baby or felt impaired but I am sure I was. I was lucky nothing ever happened. It has been 4 years now and the drinking has continued. I am so ashamed of it that I am afriad to tell any therapist or doctor. I have gall bladder problems now and I feel like they are impacted by alcohol. I can't believe I am so self destructive. I vow to quit daily then I don't. It is standing in the way of all my goals-- but -- and this is shameful-- I have started to hide it instead of doing it openly-- I will drink and hide the bottles in the trash because I am so ashamed.Sometimes I will drink 6 beers or glasses of wine a night. I am sure sometimes I have had more. I finally told my husband that I had been drinking more than he was aware (he saw wine with dinner maybe but I was good at hiding). He was very understanding but I am so ashamed and guilty that I am scared to death. Since my child was born I maybe have gone a couple weeks without drinking-- no ill physical effects really-- but emotionally I was a wreck. I am somewhat more housebound than I wish I was because of my son in the late afternoons and evenings and those are the danger zones to me-- especially if my husband is travelling and I am lonely. How can I just let it go and gain back control? I never thought I would look at Intervention and feel better that I was not drinking as much as the stories on there-- but I do! Please help if you can.

[Farm Girl]

Getting worse and I am just scared

ATLThrash - I could be you, or you could be me. I hid bottles too - in the trash can, in the trunk of my car...my husband finally figured it out and confronted me in a dramatic scene that might be funny if it wasn't me. Congrats on losing weight, now on to your drinking. I'm still new (this time, I did quit for 8 years) but I can tell you I pace the house like a cat if I can't drink and relax. I think you need to have more confidence in yourself and do things that will make you feel better about yourself. Every day I don't drink I wake up feeling better than I have in years. You can do it - we can do this together - there are so many great people on the site and I'm sure you'll get tons of great advice !

[Guest]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Hi Thrash,

I can't offer any amazing words of wisdom but I can tell you a bit about this site.

Although I am not entirely AF (alcohol free) I have seriously cut back of drinking and have already lost 4 kgs since the end of Jan.

Have you downloaded the book? It's available on here for about $ 12.00.

There are also recommendations and information about presription drugs and supplements. I don't know anything about them but a lot of others do.

Read, post, read more, post more, ask questions.

A good start is to hop into the "Newbies Nest" were we are looked after by Lavande. There's loads of advice and support there. A few of us have set ourselves a 5 day AF goal. As this is coming to an end, we are thinking about going through the weekend - the hardest time for me. You are most welcome to join us.

Hope to see you in the "Nest."

Spam xx

[sisley]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Well you have already taken the first step..that is admitting you have a problem. You even told your husband you are concerned about your drinking...by making him aware and a partner in your desire to become alcohol free is great...All alcoholics go thru the feelings of shame, embarassment, guilt..of course that is when we have sobered up..or we're nursing ahang over..we cant remember what happened..how much we drank, etc....Well at that point, it is the PAST, over, done with..you cant change that..but what you can change, is getting the control again over yourself to make sure you dont do it again...Coming to MWO is probalbly the best decision you could have made..it doesn't sound like you need an intervention..Im not an expert, but you said you were always very disiplined, Im sure you can find that again. You've already expressed the desire to stop this habit...and it's a powerful one, I know...the only thing that works for me is I removing ANY type of alcohol from the house..make your husband a partner on that..let him know if it's there, your gonna drink it...(If ya have a nice bar, stash of good booze and he doesn't want to throw it out make him HIDE it, or remove it himself) this was and is the only way I could do it. Then just take it ONE HOUR, DAY, NIGHT AT A TIME. When your home alone come here and blog blog blog....it helps so so much, believe me..even right now me, talking, trying to help you, is helping ME...Take the time to read as much as you can on this site...other people's threads....even if they are old...it helps so much..You know your DANGER ZONES so right there your already getting it..try to plan things to do at those times..read the posts, many members talk about what they do to get thru the cravings, how they work thru their dangerous times..
And as I said before...get all the booze out of the frig, closets..cooking wine, sherries even beers..any and all alcohol...rid your home of it...(myself yesterday i was looking for something in a closet and found a plastic, water sippy cup...half full of red wine...stashed there by me..musta been drunk..dont remember..well after going 13 days straight not a drop of alcohol..you know I drank it..yep..but that's over..today right back on that wagon..no drinks..) cant beat myself up over that..but that's my point if it's in the house, Im gonna drink it...Well there is a starting out kit you can order, vitamin supplements, cd's a book, check it out...I havent got it but read about it...there are supplements like -L-glutamine....suppose to help with cravings..there's alot of things to help...ask other members what they use...I know there are even drugs...myself I havent used anything...cant afford it..but I hope this helps you some...please dont give up....your at the right place...God Bless You, keep coming back, you owe it to yourself and your family. Sisley...back at day one...I guess the past 13 still count for something tho, eh??

[the bellinator]

Getting worse and I am just scared

ATLThrash........I'm so glad you've come to this site. I can tell you right now that you have a TON in common with the awesome people here--me especially. Personally, I can tell you that I have hidden my drinking from my husband to a huge extent. I have hidden many bottles in the trash/in the recycling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I refuse to tell my doctor because I think I can get this under control, and I'm painfully embarrassed........(I'm working on that). I just recently (last week) asked my husband to get rid of my whiskey--and he agreed and was absolutely loving and supportive. I myself have not gone more than one week without drinking in the last 3 to 4 years.

Do you see that you are not alone?

You can get back in control. I am working on this and you can too.

My advice is to identify your weak times (which you have.......).

What is your goal?? Moderation or being alcohol free?

Devise a plan for your weak time......to include logging on to this site and READING and POSTING.

This site works.

I'm getting better. You can too.

Please keep in touch.

[Buddysmom]

Getting worse and I am just scared

:bang

I too 'am geting worse' and am scared. I am scared I can't quit and scared that I don't want to. I have been down this road before, and this site does help. I find that if I log in once and day and read some of the posts I don't feel so alone in this.

[overittoday]

Getting worse and I am just scared

You are not alone! we all have our own drinking demons. It is great that you can admit yours and are planning to work on it. Take the advice you can get. Keep positive, read the material there are some bits that will resonate with you. Ask question there is never a shortage of advice here and most of all believe you deserve a better life.
Good luck on your journey, stay close and you will find it easier.

[Guest]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Buddysmom;815885 wrote: :bang

I too 'am geting worse' and am scared. I am scared I can't quit and scared that I don't want to. I have been down this road before, and this site does help. I find that if I log in once and day and read some of the posts I don't feel so alone in this.

Buddysmom,
If you want to quit, you can. Saying you dont know if you want to quit is not you, it's the alcohol. You know it is wrong and damaging you mentally and physically but alcohol is shutting that voice down and putting itself first. Believe me I was there and everyday saying I am done, I cant keep doing this to myself and my family but by evening alcohol wouuld win and I would drink, hide bottles, lie about how much I drank, spend money that we didnt really have (alcohol is very expensive in Canada). My advice is dont try to control your drinking, for most here it doesnt work and its alcohols last ditch effort to stay in your life and try to remain in control. There are medications that help reduce the cravings and make it easier for you to make the smart decision to give it up day by day. I have done it and believ me, I once could not imagine saying good bye to my dear old friend but once you get a few days in sober, you realize, he's not your friend, he is your worst enemy.
Hope this helps

[Lavande]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Hi ATLThrash,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place!
I am nearly 1 year AF now thanks to the support of the wonderful members here & a lot of hard work on my part!

Read the MWO book, it's full of info about the program. Make yourself a good plan, something that works specifically for you. Look in the Tool box (located in the Monthly Abstinence section) for good ideas.
I spent a good deal of time identifying my drinking triggers & working on those issues before I even attempted to quit drinking. In my case I found negative thinking, lonliness, self pity, unresolved anxiety/despression to be big problems. Sit down & take an honest look at yourself. Be honest, make a list of your issues & take the appropriate steps to address each one.

You deserve to live a happy, sober life! Your son deserves a happy Mom. Stay close, drop in the Newbies Nest thread for support. Feel free to PM me if you like

Wishing you the best on your journey - you can do it!!

Lav

[ATLThrash]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Thanks

I just read all these this morning-- I did not drink after I posted and I actually felt better that I was doing something! My trigger times seem to be when I am so bored or lonley like later afternoon or evening. My husband has a big wine cellar but surprisingly that has never bothered me-- I guess it is hidden sort of-- but I think any wine or beer in the kitchen is fair game and that is a problem. I just cleaned all the hidden bottles out and was shocked. Anyway-- onward and upward I guess...

I am sure exercising would probably help kill some time-- I still have 40 lbs to get off after all-- unfortunately right now I have a badly sprained ankle (not a drinking accident surprisingly)-- but after that heals I can begin in earnest. I am a poor sleeper (one way I got into this mess I think too) and so I am awake alot when others sleep-- I have been to a sleep study but they found no apnea, obstruction etc. I just have poor sleep quality-- so I am awake for 20 hours a day whereas others might sleep more of those hours-- meds for sleep have never really worked for me (I had a concussion which was severe several years before my son was born-- one of the issues that lead to us deciding for me to stay home-- it was pretty severe and since then lots of sleep issues nd migraine etc) so some of this may just be the perfect storm.

While my husband supports me I think he feels he should be able to continue to drink if he wants to-- he stops after one glass of wine or one beer though. don't want to make anything harder on him-- how do you handle that one?

[mollyka]

Getting worse and I am just scared

HI ATLAThrash and welcome. Quite a few points you make,boredom was a major factor too in my drinking I had to fill many hours any way I could-like you I don't sleep very much. To fill those hours I previously filled drinking I make jigsaws, do 'grown-up' painting by numbers and now that my attention span has improved I read endlessly, even television helps. This site fills a major hole in my life, it is always here and someone always understands.
My husband also still drinks, the drinking in itself I have no problem with but I am getting more and more impatient with him when he occasionally gets a bit 'silly' - ironic isn't it
Keep posting
Molly

[Cecelia]

Getting worse and I am just scared

My husband drinks as well. However, at Day 17 AF, he now sees that I am serious about this (how many times did he hear me say "I'm never drinking again!" and then continue to do so?) and has cut back on his happy hours after work and wanting us to go out on weekends with friends who drink. I didn't have to ask him to do so, but I would have if he continued drinking as we were. Perhaps your husband might give up that glass of wine or beer a few evenings a week if you express that you need that support?

[Buddysmom]

Getting worse and I am just scared

My husband too is one of those who can have one and stop. He is aware that I can't. When I stopped before he was OK with not having alcohol in the house, so with me it's not for lack of support at home. When I have stopped in the past its like the whole family goes into shock, they miss their drinking buddy, so I tend to avoid family gatherings when I try to quit. Maybe you could ask your husband to keep his beer and wine in the wine cellar and out of your sight.

And thanks 'Hoping for the Best' for your perspective. Everything you said applied to me. I am ordering some Kudzu today. Had a tough weekend with family over, but today is a new day. One day at a time.

[ATLThrash]

Getting worse and I am just scared

Just have to get through this week

Today was awful because I slipped last night in a way I never have (foudn the hidden liquor and I do nto drink liquor-- put it in diet coke and drank it in front of my husband no less and acted as if it was nothing), had such bad anxiety and my husband blew up at me because he was so fed up, told me I could not stop, that it would happen again (I was so paralyzed with anxiety I had him pick our son up and that triggered it) I could not get the doctor on the phone-- would have been willing to do any temporary anxiety med just to deal with this week and function a a bit- he has not called back and I am hoping to hang on until tomorrow without going nuts. This week is an awful unsympathetic doctor app t that I have to go to and the St Pat's party that my husband hosts yearly on Saturday-- catered for 60 people and non-refundible-- I am just praying I do not slip!

[ronaldolover]

Getting worse and I am just scared

ATL.....I am right there with you! I am sitting on the couch and drinking wine while my husband sits here sober and tolerates me.....I am so close to giving up...but lets hang in there......anyone still up?