Just having a *moment* here

[Anotherday]

Hello everyone,

It's 3:30 p.m. on day 1 on a Friday and the demons are calling me. I am going to really try to NOT DRINK today and take it one day at a time. I've slept for a bit and have a dilemma which is a bit off topic, but not really, as it drives my drinking.

In a nutshell, I hate where I live. I feel trapped and have hated my life to a degree unknown previously since I moved here. I have one friend here but she's a drinker too and I've had to distance myself as we just feed into each other's craziness. Other than this, I am on my own. I don't have a job and cannot get motivated to look for one. Basically, I don't want to be here yet don't have the drive/energy/plan to change my reality. When I start thinking this way I really want to drink. I am either blessed or cursed in that I am not dealing with any withdrawals on day 1 other than the urge to drink. The truth is that the only "fun" I have in my life is sleeping. Then I wake up and just want to drink.

Ok, just typing this out so I don't start thinking about going to get wine or in an effort to fight the thoughts. Thanks for letting me share. :l

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

Hi anotherday,
Don't give in!! You are doing so well.. it sounds like you are stuck in a typical AL cycle; drinking to ease the loneliness and despair in your life, then drinking takes away the motivation to change anything!
AL is not a cure.. it will make things worse, and will lead to more depression and isolation..
Some suggestions are: go for a walk, read a book - go to a library or bookstore (I go to the library in my town about once a week) - get something you can really get stuck in to - maybe get a book on meditation? I find books on buddhism interesting, and can offer insightful ways on positive ways to live your life.. you could also go to the movies? there's some great films out at the moment..
It's good that you recognise that your friend makes you worse with AL.. its hard but sometimes you need to remove certain people out of your life if you are to make a positive change.. I also have problems with loneliness and self-isolation.. that was also a big reason why I drank.. but I am trying to look for other ways to enjoy life as AL does not solve anything at all.. I have met new friends, just by going to parks with my son.. though I know this is easier when you have young children.. but there are other ways you could make new friends that dont just drink AL - maybe join a club of some sort.. go to a cafe on a regular basis and get to know other regulars?
feel free to share anytime, there's always lots of people here any time of day..
take care, and be strong - if I can do this, so you can you!
Katie xx

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

KatieB;816941 wrote: Hi anotherday,
Don't give in!! You are doing so well.. it sounds like you are stuck in a typical AL cycle; drinking to ease the loneliness and despair in your life, then drinking takes away the motivation to change anything!
AL is not a cure.. it will make things worse, and will lead to more depression and isolation..
Some suggestions are: go for a walk, read a book - go to a library or bookstore (I go to the library in my town about once a week) - get something you can really get stuck in to - maybe get a book on meditation? I find books on buddhism interesting, and can offer insightful ways on positive ways to live your life.. you could also go to the movies? there's some great films out at the moment..
It's good that you recognise that your friend makes you worse with AL.. its hard but sometimes you need to remove certain people out of your life if you are to make a positive change.. I also have problems with loneliness and self-isolation.. that was also a big reason why I drank.. but I am trying to look for other ways to enjoy life as AL does not solve anything at all.. I have met new friends, just by going to parks with my son.. though I know this is easier when you have young children.. but there are other ways you could make new friends that dont just drink AL - maybe join a club of some sort.. go to a cafe on a regular basis and get to know other regulars?
feel free to share anytime, there's always lots of people here any time of day..
take care, and be strong - if I can do this, so you can you!
Katie xx

Thanks, Katie. You are so positive and uplifting! :l I wish I felt that way.

Tonight I am going to go to this dual diagnosis group - for people who deal with AL issues and other stuff. I have to leave in about an hour or so, so I'll just watch TV until then. I have been meaning to go for weeks now but would always drink earlier in the day so I could not. All your ideas are great!

[Lavande]

Just having a *moment* here

Hi Anotherday,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place!
You are making a lot of changes in your life right now, it's going to be tough but you can do it!!

Not working is hard & increases feelings of depression & isolation. Don't know where you're located but is there any possibility of attending a job fair or if you are on unemployment you should have access to job openings in your state. Local community colleges often have outreach programs available too.

For now try to focus on yourself - take care of yourself, drink lots of water, eat healthy, get some fresh air & a little exercise. Work on your plan - be sure you have plenty of activities available to keep you busy & distracted from drinking thoughts. Please feel free to drop in the Newbies Nest thread for support as well.

Wishing you the best on your journey

Lav

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

Hi AnotherDay,
How did you get on with your meeting? I hope it was helpful - I think its good that you are meeting people in the flesh with similar issues too, as you are quite isolated.. you need to do everything you can to prevent being so isolated.. i'm working on that myself - i'm in a foreign country and have no family here.. but I working on making friends (and keeping them, more importantly!).. I really hope you managed to remain AF.. I find I am so much less likely to stuff up my friendships when AF.. but if you didn't don't worry, just give it another try.. have faith in yourself!
I have read some of your other posts, and you sound such a nice lady, with a great sense of humour! You should have no problem making new friends at all.. I really hope the therapist you are seeing now will help you with your depression.. I have also been diagnosed with a personality disorder in the past. but the good news is, with intense counselling, positive changes can happen! I already feel vastly improved just over the last year.. I don't take any meds, but medications for depression and/or to reduce AL cravings may be beneficial too..

Take care,
Katie

[runningwind]

Just having a *moment* here

Kathie B. @ Edward, GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED , runningwind :H

[overittoday]

Just having a *moment* here

the dual diagnosis group will be good for you - you may also meet some people there you can stay in touch with. It does make it alot harder when you are not working but sort out the underlaying issues first then you can focus on the work. Make it a challenge/promise to yourself that you will give it a real shot, you deserve to be happy person. You know the feeling of misery now its time to feel joy.
As Katie suggested start reading books AL related or not there are a heap out there on self improvement, emotions etc...meditation is powerful maybe join a group nearby??? I know it is all new territory but this is where you have to push yourself and the rewards will come from that.
Stay close and think positive.
P.S. i love going to movies by myself with a big bucket of popcorn and a choc top - it puts me in another world enjoying my own company.

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

Well, all, I failed. Or shall I say I chose not to go to the group and drank instead. The group is far from my house. Part of what I deal with is a touch of agoraphobia. I don't like to drive far or be out after dark. The good news is I only drank one bottle of wine instead of my customary two. I then slept for about 11 hours. I am grateful for sleep these days.

I think I am going to be one of these work in progress sorts of people taking baby steps. I just don't have the reserves or resources to completely cut myself off and deal with reality as it is. If I had ONE friend where I live to do something with I think I'd be more successful, but my one friend I have is just more like a phone friend. Having been unemployed for so long I've just gotten into a rut of sitting at home and isolating. As to groups, I have tried them all - WFS, AA, SMART, mental health groups and I keep getting disappointed in that I try to make friends in them. Everyone has their own lives so what happens is I'll make a plan with someone and then they cancel. This just makes me more depressed. In my former life and before I moved here I had friends and it was never an issue. Here, for some reason, I just can't seem to make any friends.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am making excuses. I've just been running on empty for so long now that I cannot seem to keep my head above water. Unfortunately, AL still at times looks like a good escape. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do.

I am hopeful, though, that in working with this new addictions counselor I will make some progress. I really do want a happy life free of addictions. Thanks all so much for your support.

[OverIt2007]

Just having a *moment* here

I am VERY HAPPY to be your online friend Another Day!

I hope to be some sort of support to you. I know how feeling lonely can be. Alcohol seems to be the "friend" you need to get you through.

But you know the truth. Your "friend" will turn on you and is really the devil in disguise.

I hope things get better, please post as often as you need to get things off your chest.


:l

Overit

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

OverIt2007;817263 wrote: I am VERY HAPPY to be your online friend Another Day!

I hope to be some sort of support to you. I know how feeling lonely can be. Alcohol seems to be the "friend" you need to get you through.

But you know the truth. Your "friend" will turn on you and is really the devil in disguise.

I hope things get better, please post as often as you need to get things off your chest.


:l

Overit

:thanks: and :l

I'd love to be your online friend! It means a lot.

I sit here just feeling paralyzed to do anything. I feel overwhelmed. I think about setting up tables in the garage for a garage sale to get rid of *stuff* so maybe I can return to my former city of residence. I really need to get back there or somewhere else where I fit in. I think of how I fell for this playboy here who would not even spend my 50th BD with me, in spite of the years I tried to do things for him on his. I did spend that day alone and AF. One of the hardest things I have ever done. How pathetic to turn 50 and sit home alone. Is this where the AL has taken me? Or am I just some loser person no one wants to be friends with? When that fell through, I just gave up. I went off all my meds and just spiraled down. I gained weight and now have nothing to wear. I must climb out of this hole, somehow. Now that dream is gone and I am still not over it.

Don't get me wrong. I know each of us has challenges in this forum or we would not be here. I know getting and staying AF is tough for all of us. It takes a LOT of hard work and perserverence to beat this devil in disguise, as you say. It would be so much easier if none of us had to deal with it.

I am grateful that I sit here and post with COFFEE instead of wine. I have to find the good in small things right now. I must count my blessings and change my way of thinking.

[OverIt2007]

Just having a *moment* here

AnotherDay,

Im glad you are having coffee and not booze too!

Here is just a thought. Have you tried out any churches in your area? I have no idea if that is anything that interests you or not. I am certainly not the type of person to shove anything down anybodys throat, trust me on that!

I was lucky enough to find a really really good church in my area. I liked it so much because the service was really contemporary (not formal and stiff ICK!) and the Pastor was so great at making Jesus and God seem do darn interesting. I really connected and now love going to church on Sundays.

There is also alot to be said about feeling part of a community there. At first I felt like I did not belong, but now its such a pleasure to go and just even be around others who are smiling and happy.

Like I said, this is just a thought (?) not sure if this is of any interest at all and I do not know your area. Church really did help me alot.

P.S. I know about lonely! I am a single Mom and have been so isolated. Lonely is not fun!

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

OverIt2007;817277 wrote: AnotherDay,

Im glad you are having coffee and not booze too!

Here is just a thought. Have you tried out any churches in your area? I have no idea if that is anything that interests you or not. I am certainly not the type of person to shove anything down anybodys throat, trust me on that!

I was lucky enough to find a really really good church in my area. I liked it so much because the service was really contemporary (not formal and stiff ICK!) and the Pastor was so great at making Jesus and God seem do darn interesting. I really connected and now love going to church on Sundays.

There is also alot to be said about feeling part of a community there. At first I felt like I did not belong, but now its such a pleasure to go and just even be around others who are smiling and happy.

Like I said, this is just a thought (?) not sure if this is of any interest at all and I do not know your area. Church really did help me alot.

P.S. I know about lonely! I am a single Mom and have been so isolated. Lonely is not fun!

Thanks, Overit! I have not considered that, as I am sort of not given to believing in the Christian doctrine (not to say that Jesus wasn't a cool guy with good ideas). I am a believer in a God, yet not necessarily a personal one, if that makes any sense.

I am, however, actually considering going to AA if it means getting a grip and stopping the isolation. The one thing that holds me back are the rituals of having to label myself, stand up, do the steps, get a sponsor etc. I am really not a suitable candidate for AA, except that I realize I need to stop isolating. The one thing I have in common with AAers is the desire to stop drinking and that is, afterall, the only requirement for membership. I've gone on and off over the years and it's never helped me to stop drinking, but it *is* getting out of the house. ETA: I need to qualify this - it did help me to stop drinking many moons ago, but not during the on and off years. Must provide full disclosure here.

I just want to be able to go there and be me without the ritual stuff, yet I don't know if I can pull it off. I have been shunned for not conforming and that sort of defeats the purpose of wanting to connect with others. But I think I will give it a shot as I must do something.

[Twitch]

Just having a *moment* here

Another day, join us on the ODAT thread, it's all I can cope with, Im on day 8 here, first time in 10 long year's but it's getting harder to stay focussed, we can help each other, babystep's are good as long as they are forward's, stay strong love and hug's Twitch xxx

[meg the peg]

Just having a *moment* here

Anotherday;817271 wrote: :thanks: and :l

I'd love to be your online friend! It means a lot.

I sit here just feeling paralyzed to do anything. I feel overwhelmed. I think about setting up tables in the garage for a garage sale to get rid of *stuff* so maybe I can return to my former city of residence. I really need to get back there or somewhere else where I fit in. I think of how I fell for this playboy here who would not even spend my 50th BD with me, in spite of the years I tried to do things for him on his. I did spend that day alone and AF. One of the hardest things I have ever done. How pathetic to turn 50 and sit home alone. Is this where the AL has taken me? Or am I just some loser person no one wants to be friends with? When that fell through, I just gave up. I went off all my meds and just spiraled down. I gained weight and now have nothing to wear. I must climb out of this hole, somehow. Now that dream is gone and I am still not over it.

Don't get me wrong. I know each of us has challenges in this forum or we would not be here. I know getting and staying AF is tough for all of us. It takes a LOT of hard work and perserverence to beat this devil in disguise, as you say. It would be so much easier if none of us had to deal with it.

I am grateful that I sit here and post with COFFEE instead of wine. I have to find the good in small things right now. I must count my blessings and change my way of thinking.

join the local AA group

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

Well, it is 3 p.m. and the demons are calling again! What to do?

Today I am feeling very out of sorts and like I need wine to stay out of the loony bin. I made the mistake of having 3 or 4 cups of coffee and feel like I am going to come out of my skin, but this was six or seven hours ago so I should not be feeling this way! I've had to take 2 parts of a sleeping pill to not drink today and the day isn't over yet.

Does anyone here deal with bipolar disorder in addition to the alcohol issue? I almost feel like I am getting manicky. My shrink has diagnosed me as bipolar (and he is quite good, although I admit I am in denial over this in part due to the stigma), but I am feeling agitated and racing. I should just ride this out, but it is not good when I have to take parts of a sleeping pill to calm down. It is not AL withdrawal; I know this much. I have been blathering on here all day with my thoughts just racing and I must sound like a crazy person.

I have to bring my dog in to get groomed in one hour, which prevents me from drinking any wine for at least 3 hours. But I can't stand this feeling either. It feels like I am going to go crazy.