Just having a *moment* here

[mama bear]

Just having a *moment* here

do you have any sleepy time tea, or kudzu? that actually makes me a little drowsy...can you go for a walk????

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

Hi AnotherDay!
Don't feel too despondent - and like you said, you only stuck to one bottle and not two which is a vast improvement!
We are all 'works in progress' - you are not the only one!
Overit - i'm also a single mum.. and quite isolated - i'm with you both there too - drinking used to seem a way to ease the loneliness.. but it did not work, and made me more depressed and less motivated..
I now try to get out and about, meet people in the park - one of my closest friends now I met in the park near my street..
AD - don't blame yourself for not making friends where you are.. it is hard to make new friends as most people do have lots of family and are all 'set up' with their lives.. I also find it hard, when ppl are of the mindset they don't need any more friends.. thats been the problem most my life - everyone was already set up, and I was always on the outside.. however, we must be positive, there are people out there who would love to have us as friends, we just have to get out there and be open to new people and experiences..
I am also happy to be an online friend - AD I do have very similar issues to yours, only difference is im a bit younger (i'm going to be 32 soon).. but AL does not work.. I just found it made me anxious and depressed the next day.. which did not help things at all..
Working has helped me a bit.. is there anything you would like to do? there are lots of different jobs out there - you would meet new people, earn money and have a reason to get out the house and get ready every day..
Sending you strength!!
Love katie xx

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

AD,
I don't have bipolar but I have been dx with borderline personality disorder.. don't worry about the stigma, no-one would know unless you tell them, and we are certainly not judgemental here! bi-polar is pretty common, i know a couple of people who have that..
Can you try and think of another way to relax? Coffee is not the best thing as it is full of caffeine.. i find a cup of tea or hot chocolate with a good book helps me to relax.. im also off to the library today to get some books on meditation - maybe you can try meditation or yoga? I did yoga 3 years ago, and the SMART recovery programme, meeting a nice bunch of people once a week - I did not drink for 3 months and felt great doing the yoga and going to SMART - however, this fell apart when a friend invited me out to go and party..
But now, i really want to get rid of my issues again.. I tried to find a yoga group here, but it wasn't very good.. but you might have more success where you are?
I know you also mentioned that you don't like where you live.. i know it seems obvious, but can you move? The world is your oyster! you can live and work where you want! If money is an issue, maybe find work first and save some money.. then do some research as to where you would want to move.. this could be a goal you can give yourself this year..
Take care,
K xx

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

KatieB;817498 wrote: AD,
I don't have bipolar but I have been dx with borderline personality disorder.. don't worry about the stigma, no-one would know unless you tell them, and we are certainly not judgemental here! bi-polar is pretty common, i know a couple of people who have that..
Can you try and think of another way to relax? Coffee is not the best thing as it is full of caffeine.. i find a cup of tea or hot chocolate with a good book helps me to relax.. im also off to the library today to get some books on meditation - maybe you can try meditation or yoga? I did yoga 3 years ago, and the SMART recovery programme, meeting a nice bunch of people once a week - I did not drink for 3 months and felt great doing the yoga and going to SMART - however, this fell apart when a friend invited me out to go and party..
But now, i really want to get rid of my issues again.. I tried to find a yoga group here, but it wasn't very good.. but you might have more success where you are?
I know you also mentioned that you don't like where you live.. i know it seems obvious, but can you move? The world is your oyster! you can live and work where you want! If money is an issue, maybe find work first and save some money.. then do some research as to where you would want to move.. this could be a goal you can give yourself this year..
Take care,
K xx

Thanks, Katie. I just got done dropping my little princess off for grooming - good news, can't drink a drop as I have to pick her up and it'll be hours before she is done.

I know people here aren't judgmental, and that is why it is so good to be on MWO! You are doing so well! Gosh! I am going to have to start going to SMART I think. There are a few meetings a week here. It's interesting, but the last time I saw the facilitator of the SMART group she mentioned she thought she had borderline as well, and she had been diagnosed as bipolar in the past. There are plenty of people with both kinds of things going on.

As for me, I am just going to keep reading this book I got in the mail today. I usually am not a reader (hard to focus), but I'm finding it to be pretty good. I appreciate your posts! I am not feeling quite so crazy now and I think I will get rid of the rest of the coffee too.

[ATLThrash]

Just having a *moment* here

Me too!

I am having some similar issues to you-- I also drank less last night but still more than nothing and was feeling awful. I too feel as if sleep is the only respite (and I am a very bad sleeper due to a concussion I had so that is hopeless). My husband often says we are not meant to be up 24 hours a day for a reason-- and I agree. At times I feel single as well-- my hubby travels a ton so I am with my son and very isolated due to it. Today I was engaing in teh opposite of the how do I love tee thing -- as in "how do I hate me-- let me count the ways" and I just stopped and decided to be better one minute a time-- so far it has worked. Mayeb it woudl work for you too! When I heal from a spraned ankle I think I might do some working out-- maybe if you coud do a walk even if by yourself-- it helps depression and is a good benefit. I cannot stand the moms at my son's preschool which has driven me even more inside but I do like reading and maybe if you read that woudl be good-- it can be a friend to you without having to go out and it will never ever reject you!

Good Luck-- you have to believe that if you want to change that you can!

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

ATLThrash;817518 wrote: I am having some similar issues to you-- I also drank less last night but still more than nothing and was feeling awful. I too feel as if sleep is the only respite (and I am a very bad sleeper due to a concussion I had so that is hopeless). My husband often says we are not meant to be up 24 hours a day for a reason-- and I agree. At times I feel single as well-- my hubby travels a ton so I am with my son and very isolated due to it. Today I was engaing in teh opposite of the how do I love tee thing -- as in "how do I hate me-- let me count the ways" and I just stopped and decided to be better one minute a time-- so far it has worked. Mayeb it woudl work for you too! When I heal from a spraned ankle I think I might do some working out-- maybe if you coud do a walk even if by yourself-- it helps depression and is a good benefit. I cannot stand the moms at my son's preschool which has driven me even more inside but I do like reading and maybe if you read that woudl be good-- it can be a friend to you without having to go out and it will never ever reject you!

Good Luck-- you have to believe that if you want to change that you can!

Sorry you are having similar issues. It sort of sucks, doesn't it. I know working out would help. As to walking in my neighborhood...well...a friend of mine went and told the neighbors all of my personal business...that I am lonely, get depressed, drink, etc. I sort of avoid being outside now as I don't want to run into them.

I like your idea of being better a minute at a time. I am still reading that book. It does feel good to be doing something other than swilling down wine. Good luck backatcha!

[Funny Girl]

Just having a *moment* here

Anotherday - bipolar issues & alcohol as a way of self medicating are very common - even if not a severe case of bipolar it is common & gets muddy as to what comes first - the 'chicken or the egg'. One thing you may want to do is read the MWO book & do some research about topomax. it is used 'off label' for bipolar as well as for alcoholism. It may do double duty for you. If you are under the care of a doctor already, it may be something that may prove to be of value to you - I don't know since I know nothing about you other than what is written here. In my own personal history, I've had some occasion to research these issues due to my own lovely 'lifestyle' & it's ramifications. I was always looking for my own answers & did tons of research on various things, so I do know quite a bit about all sorts of things I never wanted to know about. . . . . It would be worth discussing Topomax with your doctor, but I would definitely research off label use of the drug to treat bipolar & alcoholism before you have the discussion so you go in armed with some facts first.

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

Funny Girl;817528 wrote: Anotherday - bipolar issues & alcohol as a way of self medicating are very common - even if not a severe case of bipolar it is common & gets muddy as to what comes first - the 'chicken or the egg'. One thing you may want to do is read the MWO book & do some research about topomax. it is used 'off label' for bipolar as well as for alcoholism. It may do double duty for you. If you are under the care of a doctor already, it may be something that may prove to be of value to you - I don't know since I know nothing about you other than what is written here. In my own personal history, I've had some occasion to research these issues due to my own lovely 'lifestyle' & it's ramifications. I was always looking for my own answers & did tons of research on various things, so I do know quite a bit about all sorts of things I never wanted to know about. . . . . It would be worth discussing Topomax with your doctor, but I would definitely research off label use of the drug to treat bipolar & alcoholism before you have the discussion so you go in armed with some facts first.

Thanks, Funny Girl. I will do this. I've heard that it (Topomax) really slows down thinking, but at this point maybe that would be ok. I did mention it once but don't remember his reaction. Right now I am on Cymbalta and Abilify and he wants to keep me there.

I am sitting reading this book and the voice keeps going through my head "My life is ruined, my life is ruined, my life is ruined!" This could just be my addiction wanting me to go buy some wine. Then again, I really do believe my life is ruined. I think about being alone at 50, no children, no job, no friends where I live, no SO. OMG - that's too much reality for me. Then I say to myself - "well, you don't want to be 60 saying all of this either (not that I think I'll even make it there unless I give up my addictions). This is just really freaking hard.

I am seeing this new therapist and I know I have to do my part. That means at least recognizing the thoughts and feelings I am having, tolerating them and NOT picking up. I really DO appreciate everyone's input and tolerance. I know it's hard for everyone. If I make it through today without a drink, it'll be a miracle.

[Funny Girl]

Just having a *moment* here

well, I started taking the Topamax & so far it hasn't done that yet. I think if you ramp up slowly you'll be ok. I'm following the dosage in the book. What side effects I'll experience remain to be seen, but I haven't had a drink - I'm on day 13. Not one drink. Right now I feel very good & happy & proud of myself.

You say you don't want to be alone at 50? well, I'm 51 . . . .This is probably the longest I've gone without having a drug or a drink in over 10 years. When I did that 10 years ago, it was because my life went south due to a series of total screw ups & I was in legal trouble - in other words - I was in a place you totally don't want to be. I'm lucky I didn't lose everything I had at that point. Yet, I still managed to straighten that situation out, seemingly got it all together - got a great job - moved to a different state - met a bunch of partiers - and - STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN. (that's my pattern - do great, party, bottom out, and start all over again )

As a friend of mine said - 'your only problem is that 'you keep going with you in the moving van'. He certainly had a point!

I've ruined every romantic relationship I've ever had. It's amazing I've kept the good close friends I've got - I have never understood why they've stood by me all of these years, but they have - so I do count myself as unusually lucky.

[Funny Girl]

Just having a *moment* here

oh yeah, feel free to PM me if you'd like to know more about what I've learned about all of this - not sure I want to bore all of these folks with the gory details about my 'journey' - if that's what you'd call it. . . .

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

AnotherDay,
It's NEVER too late to change your life - never.. you have plenty of time to have the life you want! I know kids may be out the question seeing as you are a bit older - but there is still heaps you can do with your life, and lots of things you can do! You need to empower yourself and take control! stop letting the past rule you - I have had terrible times in the past - but a lot of that was due to not taking control, and letting AL and depression take over.. but I will not be a victim anymore to the way I was in the past!
Maybe you can write a list of what you would like to achieve/do? - this may include travelling somewhere you would love to go, moving house (some 'friend' by the way.. hold your head up high where you live, you have every right to be there and be walking on this planet as they do!!), or getting a job you will enjoy..
Also, feel free to PM me if you want to..
take care,
Katie xx

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

KatieB;817587 wrote: AnotherDay,
It's NEVER too late to change your life - never.. you have plenty of time to have the life you want! I know kids may be out the question seeing as you are a bit older - but there is still heaps you can do with your life, and lots of things you can do! You need to empower yourself and take control! stop letting the past rule you - I have had terrible times in the past - but a lot of that was due to not taking control, and letting AL and depression take over.. but I will not be a victim anymore to the way I was in the past!
Maybe you can write a list of what you would like to achieve/do? - this may include travelling somewhere you would love to go, moving house (some 'friend' by the way.. hold your head up high where you live, you have every right to be there and be walking on this planet as they do!!), or getting a job you will enjoy..
Also, feel free to PM me if you want to..
take care,
Katie xx

Katie, you are the best! A big thanks to you and MWO for getting me through my first day completely AF! You rock!

You've got a great attitude. I need to get it too. I think I need to just do the AF like you and see if I improve like you!

[Funny Girl]

Just having a *moment* here

Katie is so right Anotherday - I'm beginning to do it myself here & I can tell you that there are a lot of folks out here on this forum that can help you stay focused. I think her idea about making a list is a great idea - probably just what the doctor ordered in your case. That way you can put it somewhere & look at it as a positive reminder of what you're working toward every day.

In your case, I would still have a medication discussion with the doc a out topa & how it might be a possibility for you as an off label solution to address both bi-polar & alcohol addicition issues & see what they think. I'd also get some supplements - the kudzu does help you not feel as much like drinking.

also, treat yourself nicely . . . you deserve it. Keep coming back - we're all here.

[KatieB]

Just having a *moment* here

That's fantastic AD.. well done! one day at a time.. you should be very proud of yourself..
Being AF has definately helped change my attitude towards life.. it does make you feel more in control.. and without the depressant qualities of AL in your system, you can start to feel more 'normal'.. I already feel so much less anxious, and i'm able to get out and about without any stress.. I went to the cinema today then got home and made a lovely meal to have tonight with my little boy..
Being AF has so many good points.. it helps make you feel stronger and more in control of your destiny.. no life is ever perfect.. but I for one am definately less likely to have any major stuff-ups without AL,
Congrats again on your first day AF!! :cheering:
Katie xx

[Anotherday]

Just having a *moment* here

Funny Girl;817614 wrote: Katie is so right Anotherday - I'm beginning to do it myself here & I can tell you that there are a lot of folks out here on this forum that can help you stay focused. I think her idea about making a list is a great idea - probably just what the doctor ordered in your case. That way you can put it somewhere & look at it as a positive reminder of what you're working toward every day.

In your case, I would still have a medication discussion with the doc a out topa & how it might be a possibility for you as an off label solution to address both bi-polar & alcohol addicition issues & see what they think. I'd also get some supplements - the kudzu does help you not feel as much like drinking.

also, treat yourself nicely . . . you deserve it. Keep coming back - we're all here.

Thanks, Funny Girl. I know the Topa would help with weight loss too and I could sure use that. I will try the Kudzu too - nothing to lose. I will also take a stab at making Katie's list.

This is a great place to be. I could not have gone through today AF without you all! It does feel a bit odd to be going to bed sober, though, I must confess. It's been awhile.