Still Sad

[K9Lover]

A little bit about me. I was engaged to "the love of my life". We were together for 7 years. I didn't know it at the time, but most of the time we were together he was addicted to meth. I'd never been around drugs before and didn't know what to look for. Looking back now, of course I see all the signs.

We were together from the time my daughter was a year old until she was 8. He was basically her "daddy". Things happened and he ended up leaving the area, and ultimately ended up marrying someone else (a childhood friend). Our "affair" continued even after he was married. He claimed he was going to leave her, it was a mistake, he wanted to marry me, etc. etc. That was 4 years ago.

Apparently he got clean about 2 years ago. I have not seen him in over 3 years. As far as I know, they are still married. My problem is that I cannot seem to get over him! I dream of him EVERY night. I can't figure out why FOUR years later he is still haunting me. Sure, he could contact me if he wanted to...so I guess the sad reality is that he just doesn't want to. It hurts.

Maybe I just feel like we never had closure. It still makes me sad, and I haven't been able to move on to another relationship. I think that contributes a lot to my drinking. Just not sure how to get over it. I've had other offers, but just can't seem to get interested in dating. I hate being stuck like this. I know I need to let go (it's WAY past time for that)...but it's hard. :upset:

[mama bear]

Still Sad

Oh hunny....that's a tough one......
he is married and has abandoned you AND YOUR DAUGHTER...you need to find a way to let go....is therapy an option for you???? Someone you can talk this over with that is objective and can help....

I am sorry you are in pain...I had a hard time letting go in the past a few times myself......

[Lavande]

Still Sad

K9Lover,

They say you can't help who you fall in love with.........
Of course you were sad when it ended BUT you have to find a way to move on, you deserve better!
Life's big events can lead to prolonged periods of depression. I know this because I've been hurt by some sad stuff that never should have happened. It all led me into feeling seriously victimized & overly sorry for myself. That led me into self-medicating with a bottle or two of wine each night.

Making big changes in your life is hard work but the rewards are big! Believe in yourself, in your future & your daughter's future as well. You deserve to be happy & living a full life not being held back by the chains of AL! You've made a good decision take back control & kick AL out of your life, you won't be sorry

Please feel free to drop in the Newbies Nest thread & say hello!
Wishing you the best on your journey!

Lav

[Farm Girl]

Still Sad

K9Lover, That is a hard one to get over, but you can do it. You can find a great relationship out there with someone honest and drug free - the past is the past and you have to let it go. Therapy is a good option so you can work this out. Keep posting and stay positive!

[Funny Girl]

Still Sad

K9, there may be something else there that you may not want to think about. The only reason I say this is I always seemed to attach myself to men who were "unattainable" in one way or another even if I 'didn't see the signs' at first. You describe not seeing an addiction above, but something had to have seemed off somewhere into it at about year 4 if he was doing meth - you may not have known it was drugs, but there had to be distance. I tended to want to 'fix' people - maybe because I can't seem to 'fix' myself. Then, even when it was over, it would seem that I had trouble letting go of it even though intellectually I would know that "I deserve better", "I'm better off without him" and all that . . . .

I was almost embarrassed and at the same time broken hearted. The conclusion I came to is that there is some sadness in me, and a reason why I can't seem to gravitate toward a healthier relationship. Maybe it's because I might have to 'live up to being a better person' if I actually had someone who had it together? I don't know . . . . I'm just thinking out loud & throwing this out as possible food for thought. By all means, I don't know you & this person may well have been the love of your life, but I found I repeated this pattern, & over time, the flaws in the other person tended to get bigger. Addiction tended to also play a bigger role & their addictions always tended to be bigger & scarier than mine - definitely the LAST thing I need in my life. So, basically now, I have no idea how to have a relationship. So I just don't. I have dogs . . . .

[Funny Girl]

Still Sad

Anyway - where I was going - clean or not - you need someone who didn't have his troubles. You need someone new & you need to put yourself first. You can do it. Do it for your daughter too.

[KatieB]

Still Sad

Hi K9lover,
It's always hard when you break up with someone.. especially after being with someone so long.. but you have to remember that often when we look back at past relationships, we look through "rose-tinted glasses" - we tend to forget all the bad stuff and put our ex on a pedestal and idolise them as this perfect person.. when they are not.. you forget their flaws..
I find it easier when coming to terms with an ex that I miss, is to remember they did have flaws, and there was a reason (or several) that we are not together now.. you have to have faith in the fact that sometimes things do not work out for a reason..
I really hope you can come to terms with this.. you have to say in your head that you are not and were not right for each other.. think of the deception of him hiding his meth habit from you - if he was capable of doing that for so many years, what other deception is he capable of? He's probably lying to his current wife about all sorts of things..
You deserve better.. please don't turn to AL to deal with this, it will not make anything better.. its best to deal with your feelings with a clear, logical and rational head..
Sending you strength and encouragement.. concentrate on yourself and your daughter and doing things that make you or your daughter happy, without AL.. and you will probably end up meeting that right person for you along the way..
Katie xx

[overittoday]

Still Sad

Hi K9Lover,
This is a tough one and sorry that you are still felling this way. I am a strong believe if something is meant to be it will happen 3 days, 3 months, 3 years or 30 year away. Everyone we meet on our life journey does teach as something maybe you can look at it that way and see all the good things that you gave to eachother in the time you spent together. Its hard to let go and sometimes we can stay addicted to that wanting and not move on. In your own good time you will move on weather its because you meet someone else or you accept that realtionship for what it was. I tend to get attached also but am learning to let go.

[jessie]

Still Sad

:lHi K9lover,
I'm going to throw a stone in the bush that might antagonize some people. Love of your life...? That is Hollywood and empty novels' nonsense.( Bullshit is actually the word I'm looking for, but I'm not sure I can use it here) My parents both lost their first spouses to cancer many years ago...eventually they found each other and loved again and remained committed to each other for the rest of their lives until my dad passed away at age 78. You are still young enough to start again. And I agree with Farmgirl that therapy might be a good idea. I to have been rejected and the pain is very real, so I understand. But believe me - you can and will love again. Most important is to get a grip on your personal problems.