Back to Square Zero..

[KatieB]

Well guys,
I'm back to square one, or zero AF days.. I went and bought a bottle of wine this afternoon..:upset:
I have been trying so hard this weekend to keep myself occupied.. yesterday I went to the library and got some books out, did housework and worked..
Today (2nd day my son was with his father) I went to the city of Sydney to look round some markets.. on my own.. as I am a single mum, it seems no-one ever invites me to anything as they all have their own families to hang out with - I feel a bit of a leper at times! Sunday seems to be "family day" and if you don't have one, you don't have anywhere to go that escapes the happy families everywhere (I know they are not all necessarily happy but at least they have each other).. I got all sad seeing all these families and couples, and did not want to hang out very long.. I didnt even want to go into a cafe and get food as everywhere I looked were groups of ppl and I didnt want to feel pathetic being on my own.. I felt I would have stuck out like a sore thumb! So I did not eat the whole day til I got home at 2pm and ate some leftover pizza.. and I bought a bottle of wine on the way home as I could not face all afternoon on my own, feeling lonely (my son was not due back til the evening).. I did only buy low-AL wine so did not get drunk.. but I am still disappointed in myself - that's twice this week that i've now bought wine, after going nearly a month not buying any!
I'm worried and scared I am getting addicted to low-AL wine now, which is still AL! and end up buying more and more!
But what am I supposed to do? I have run out of ideas - 2 almost whole days on my own (though I worked 1/2 one day) - I went to a bookstore, the library, shops, the city markets.. and then.. I could not think of anything else.. so I bought the wine to ease the loneliness and boredom - which goes against everything that I have learnt.. :upset:
Katie

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Back to Square Zero..

Hello KatieB, sorry to hear you are feeling so alone, just know we are here for you. Sometimes we can be in a crowd and feel alone and it is hard. Have you thought about joining an interest group locally, taking up a class or maybe volunteer to help out. There are lots of good causes out there and an extra pair of hands are always welcome. You would be getting out, meeting people and helping others.
Re the wine, boredom is a trigger for a lot of people as is feeling all alone. Dont beat yourself up over it, you are trying so hard and as you said it was a bottle of LA wine, so it is not like you were intending to get totally blotto. Just pick yourself up and start again, it is all we can do. And next time you get these feelings come here and post or pop into chat. There is always someone here and we do understand.
Keep safe
KTAB

[mario]

Back to Square Zero..

hi kateb, dont be to hard on yourself,We all know here that it is so hard at the beginning,Get yourself involved in some of your local or not so local groups,Maybe check out to see if there are any smart or AA groups near you as they may help and you will be around people just like yourself who would understand what your going through..Dont quit quitting..

[gyco]

Back to Square Zero..

hi katie,life and times of an addictive person,sometimes we do ,do everything possible without going insane my dear,what we have is an addiction,you were in one of those moments,,an understanding me,moment,,sometimes there is a time in everyones life,we make a mistake,or is it a mistake,,no,its life,you caught it,youve recognised what it can do to you ,if you let it get out of control,,the old saying,pik yourself up,and try,try again,my dear you have got it,takes a long time to lern to maintain it,i do wish you well,gyco

[fickle]

Back to Square Zero..

Hi Katie,

I can relate totally about the feelings you describe, maybe pm me if you'd like. I am in Aus and I am also a single mum who has struggled with loneliness etc. I also understand that sometimes with kids to care for and housework that can seem to take over your life and it's hard to imagine getting out and doing anything for yourself. But with some effort & focus you can do it!!

This is a good community and you should hang in here.

Hugs,
Fickle

[spuddleduck]

Back to Square Zero..

well done for buying low AL wine, thats surely a great achievement. sorry you feel lonely, thats not a nice feeling. as you know there are always people here for you, i know its not the same but its a wonderful community. you're taking huge steps forward so this is only a little trip backwards. :l x

[OverIt2007]

Back to Square Zero..

Katie,

We still love ya!

Katie, I wish I had the magic sprinkle dust to sprinkle on you, but the truth is... we all have to find our way out (my way out!).

I can tell you dear, that it took me so many hundreds of times failing before I finally got it right. Sometimes that nagging voice telling you to get the wine, or that damn powerful craving that you just cannot resisit. I know all about those damn cravings, I have given into them thousands of times.

I know how you are feeling right now, I truly do. You feel like you wish more than anything you had not got that freaking bottle of wine.

Remember how you feel right now. Remember that the pain of drinking is FAR outweighing the temporary pleasure you get from it. The pleasure of the drinking is really a lie, and its the devil in disquise trying to keep beating up the real Katie, and keeping Katie from her true happiness in life.

Dont let alcohol win Katie. Alcohol is your enemy and you must remember that it will always cause you pain.

Pick yourself up and try again, we love you.

Overit

[mama bear]

Back to Square Zero..

Katie, hunny bunny
it;s ok....i am not af yet but I am in a stronger place and no longer getting falling down drunk and have two day hangovers...that's not much to brag about, but to me it's progress.....
I think you should volunteer at a women's clinic or help abuse victims.....just think how good you would be at that...
now...go look in the mirror and say "I am a wonderful mother and I LOVE MYSELF!"

and let me know when the hearing is so I can telepath my self and snarl on your behalf!!

[Anotherday]

Back to Square Zero..

Gosh, Katie dear, there isn't too much I can add to the above wonderful thoughts and I echo each one of them. However, what really jumps out at me is the fact you bought low AL wine. That says something to me. It says to me that you are going to fight this thing and win! I know you must be feeling pretty down about this, but please dont'. It's a temporary and baby slip up. Relapse is the rule rather than the exception with addiction. Just pick yourself up and get back on the horsey and ride. Much love, AD. :l Oh, and treat yourself to a big ice cream cone for the wonderful person that you are!

[mama bear]

Back to Square Zero..

I don't like the term "square zero" either......
gotta think of something else.....makes you sound like a loser and we KNOW you are not a loser!!!!
Much love and strenght my friend!

[Anotherday]

Back to Square Zero..

mama bear;822076 wrote: I don't like the term "square zero" either......
gotta think of something else.....makes you sound like a loser and we KNOW you are not a loser!!!!
Much love and strenght my friend!

I agree Mama. I don't like the term either. They say in rehab lingo that a person can both lapse and relapse. A lapse is a baby screwup and the person gets back on track right away. A relapse is where someone uses for an extended period of time. If they can do this in the world of rehab, well, there is room for plenty of different ways of looking at baby slip ups.

If I were going to drink, I sure wouldn't go for low AL wine. So to me this is HUGE and Katie deserves a round of applause. The feeling of loneliness is a real bear to deal with.

[mama bear]

Back to Square Zero..

Well put AD....

[NoraC]

Back to Square Zero..

I agree with everyone else. Certainly not back to square zero. We are all learning here. A step at a time. Now, we all need to band together and help you think what you can do next weekend. I have been truly amazed at how wonderfully you have spent your time. So, we just need to think of a few more things that you might enjoy doing. :l:l
Come on folks any ideas??? I'm more of a homebody - so my ideas are going to be more towards gardening or puzzles. She is already doing the walks. Come on.......let's all help Katie!!!

[overittoday]

Back to Square Zero..

Hi Katie,
Dont be too hard on yourself it is a small step and you have recognised it. This is work in progress we are not expected to success the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time around but what is important is that you have pulled yourself up on and recognised what your triggers are and that is wonderful... you can work on these areas and keep in mind that no amount of AL will permanentaly fix these. Hang in there you are doing so good. Its not starting again, because you have some much more knowledge and wisdom then you did a week ago.
Thinking of you - stay strong xx

[Anotherday]

Back to Square Zero..

Overittoday,

You are so right. I do hope Katie checks back in soon here.

We learn each time we slip up. I think it's common for those of us with this issue to think in black and white and all or nothing thinking. We think that because we have a setback we have to start all over - this thinking is common in AA.

Truth is for everyday we don't drink, our bodies are repairing themselves and we are learning. Each day we don't drink is progress. I like the AA saying, Progress not Perfection.

AD