Forgiveness

[KatieB]

Hi all,
I noticed on another thread the word 'forgiveness' came up.. and how it is sometimes impossible to forgive people that have hurt us in the past..
I know on my signature, is "look back with forgiveness".. but I am also finding it hard to forgive a certain person who has hurt me deeply.. surprisingly, this is not my ex that assaulted me (as I have kind of forgiven him as he has suffered a fair bit since that happened with the police and everything.. he was feeling suicidal for awhile but is now ok).. but it is fact my (ex) sister-in-law! This "woman" (she's 23) has hurt me more than anyone else - I even have nightmares about her.. she's been a total b**ch to me.. after my ex assaulted me, she wrote a statement to the police reporting me for breach of avo (there was an avo out at the time saying I could not drink around my son) - even though that had nothing to do with my ex assaulting me.. she then used this to try and get me to drop the statement I made about my ex assaulting me.. I refused since he could have killed me.. and I got charged for this but luckily got off lightly as the judge saw it too minor to be recorded.. she reported me for this when I was still in hospital having an op on my eye socket.. i had a call from the police when I was in recovery!
I didnt talk to her for months.. but gradually I let her into my life in terms of talking on the phone etc.. then my ex was being cruel to me, saying he would get my son taken off me.. she said she was going to come round and take my son off me! i called the police, who called her and told her to back off.. she wrote me an e-mail then saying she was going to get me done for harrassment even though she was the one trying to steal my son off me!
Has anyone got any advice to help me get over this woman? she has hurt me so much - she was supposed to be my friend.. the week before my ex assaulted me badly, he punched me on the arm - i told her this.. but she still said I deserved it and did not believe my ex had done what he did to me!
sorry for rambling but this such a horrible pain to live with, the way this woman has treated me.. i find her worse than my ex.. she has been so malicious.. thank you..

[Jolie]

Forgiveness

Katie B,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I know you must feel all alone with the weight of the world on your shoulders but I would ask you to try and focus on your beautiful child. You sound like a wonderful mother and you are right - your sister-in-law sounds like a total b**tch. Forgiving someone is a very honorable and noble thing to do but I believe there is a time to forgive. I say just let go of her and try not to let her hurt you with her mean words. Forgiveness will come later but only after you have healed. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope and pray for a good outcome for you and your son.

Keep your chin up - there are a lot of people here who are behind you and only want good things for you.

Hope you find peace and happiness soon.

Jolie:l

[KatieB]

Forgiveness

Thank you Jolie,
You are right, i need to forget about my ex sister-in-law and concentrate on myself and my son.. she is not worth my energy at all.. it just hurts as I ended up forgiving her for the dreadful act she did when I was in hospital.. only for her to stab me in the back once again! I just ask myself, am I a total mug? I just hate having "enemies" in the world.. but there again, its best to never be "friends" with people that hurt you to that extent, no matter how kind and forgiving you are.. as Spam said in another thread - sometimes forgiving people, seems to give them "permission" to hurt you again..
It's not good walking around with so much anger and hurt either.. but i've just got to not think about her and what she did.. just forget her, she's so not worth anything.. to do what she did takes so much vileness.. I can never imagine doing to someone else what she has done to me.. i'm glad im not that kind of person,
Thank you so much for your support.. I have to put the past behind me..
Katie xx

[AMELIA]

Forgiveness

Hi Katie,
Your sister in law will probably always take her brother's side before your own.
The old saying 'Blood is thicker than water' applies here.
Look after yourself and your son first and foremost. You do not need 'friends' like this young lady.
Be civil to her and leave it at that. Rise above her pettiness and find other people to associate with.
I would not forget what she is capable of and what she has in fact done, while you have been very badly injured in hospital.

[mollyka]

Forgiveness

Morning Katie
Maybe I'm a very bad person but I do feel some things are unforgiveable and what your SIL has done, in my book, is unforgiveable. I would put her 100% out of my life. No calls no contact nothing.
My sisters (2) also behaved in an appalling fashion when my mother was ill and made me and my children very very unhappy with their maliciousness and vindictiveness, whatever they may have done to me may have been forgiveable(?) but to my young people - NEVER!! Without trying to pass the buck, cos in the end I put the bottle to my lips, they certainly contributed to my spiral down with alcohol. Anyway to cut a long story short, my Mum died last June 12 months and in their badness I was never even allowed grieve for her properly. Since the day she died I have cut them out of my life completely and it is wonderful, such a release!!
Anyway thats just my tuppence worth, a better person than me would advise forgiveness for your SIL, I couldn't:soapbox:

[Gold]

Forgiveness

Hi Katie,

There is the truth of what this person has done to you, her hurtful, malicious acts, and then there is how you see it. Forgiveness isn't something endowed upon another person or a giving away a part of ourselves, it is an understanding of how creation is.

Given that all is interconnected then damaging acts are committed against oneself too, that is the way the universe works. If your ex sister-in-law understood that what she was doing was harming not only you but herself, and those around her she would not do it. So the forgiveness is understanding without judgement that she is blind to the truth of who she is and by extension who you and others she hurts are too.

You are certainly not a mug, but acknowledge that her behaviour is destructive and wholly unacceptable, it can never be acceptable because of anything you might have done, her upbringing, own hurts and problems etc.

The forgiveness is in seeing that she is in a kind if hell of her own making, how peaceful can she ever be if she is constantly battling with other people, if she can behave this way toward you then I am sure she can extend it to others.

Practically speaking, a plan of how you want to relate to her in the future, if at all, needs to be made so that if she calls or you bump into her you already have a plan of how to respond, rather like the approach to refusing to allow AL to damage your life and well-being!

[Chillgirl]

Forgiveness

Kate - Im with Gold on this one. All your sister in laws actions speak volumes about her unhappiness and have nothing to do with you. Remember Jesus's words on the cross "forgive them Father for they know not what they do". She is obviously hurting inside and you happened to be available to receive the brunt of this.

I would distance myself from her but without any confrontation or ill will, you have the right to protect yourself from hurt but there is no need to act in an unloving way back to her.

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself to let go of the past, by going over it again and again in your head is destructive and serves no purpose. Let go and you will feel so much better......

"to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you".

[mario]

Forgiveness

Kate Most of us are aware that forgiving others is a compassionate thing to do, but we don’t want to do it because we’ve been hurt and we want to hurt back. We want those who hurt us to suffer for what they did.

By withholding forgiveness we think we are punishing them, we think we are keeping them stuck in a prison of guilt and shame. But the fact is we’re just punishing ourselves in the process.

We’re prolonging our own suffering. We’re withholding from ourselves our own peace of mind. We’re keeping ourselves emotionally tormented. We’re keeping the albatross around our own neck. We are fanning the flame of our own discontentment and emotional suffering.

We’re, essentially, keeping ourselves locked in an emotional prison cell that is now of our own making. We are now victimizing ourselves long after having been victimized by our offenders.

When we forgive others we free ourselves of our anger, our judgments, our grievances, our resentments, and our bitterness, all of which interfere with our present moment joy and inner peace.

When we refuse to forgive others, we relegate ourselves to living in the past and never being in the present moment,

Consequently, it is always in our own best interests to forgive.

Everyone. No exceptions.

Forgiveness decreases our anger, our depression, our stress and our anxiety. We sleep better. We relate to others better. Our general attitude is more positive, optimistic, and hopeful.

All of this contributes to our physical as well as emotional well-being, and maximizes our potential to attract people, places and circumstances into our lives which will propel us towards our dreams and our goals.
ps Forgiving is not forgetting.:-)

[KatieB]

Forgiveness

Thank you so much for all your wonderful words of wisdom..
I will move on.. I will protect myself and have no contact with this person.. I will not allow her to hurt me again in such terrible ways by keeping her out of my life..
Chillgirl, Gold and Mario - I guess I have to try and understand where she was coming from.. but it still hurts as she was my friend too.. but you are all right, keeping hold of the hurt and hating her for what she did to me is not going to help me at all.. I like the phrase "emotional prison cell" that Mario used.. so true; i dont want to be a bitter person, i want to move on.. i just have to learn from this and have a "radar" on to prevent ppl like that ever getting close to me.. but i met my ex (and then his family) at a low point in my life where I felt i had no choice but to be with him/them as my own family had rejected me.. i had no-one.. they gave me a family, but this is the price i paid..but its over now - i can now make a good life for myself and my son..
I really dont want my son having anything to do with her, but she's his aunty so i cant really stop that..
i can just limit the times she does see him..
Katie

[JimBeam911]

Forgiveness

Katie,

If I were you I would invite this woman on a picnic and happen to suggest taking a stroll near the edge of a cliff. Upon nearing the precipice, I might accidentally stumble into her and watch her topple over the edge. As she makes the plummet, look below and scream as loud as you can, "I forgive you!"

Why on earth would you even consider forgiving this woman?? Forgiveness can be a good thing in certain cases, but don't be a sucker! She's not worth it.

[mama bear]

Forgiveness

Jim That is HYSTERICAL!!!:H:H:H:H:H

[Barola]

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a toughy.
I heard a definition of forgiveness recently that has helped me tremendously.
"Forgiveness is letting go of a past you didn't have"
it was what it was ...... that does NOT mean you need to let this person anywhere close to you again, or for you to make the same mistake twice ..... just leave her to her toxic stuff and make friends with people who deserve you.

[KatieB]

Forgiveness

JimBeam911;823244 wrote: Katie,

If I were you I would invite this woman on a picnic and happen to suggest taking a stroll near the edge of a cliff. Upon nearing the precipice, I might accidentally stumble into her and watch her topple over the edge. As she makes the plummet, look below and scream as loud as you can, "I forgive you!"

Why on earth would you even consider forgiving this woman?? Forgiveness can be a good thing in certain cases, but don't be a sucker! She's not worth it.

LOL!,
Thanks JB.. you gave me a laugh.. :H
The thing is, the whole family "made" me feel bad the first time I didn't forgive her.. after she went to the police and made that statement for breach of avo (even though like i said, my son was fine, and this had nothing to do with the fact my ex assaulted me) - she then used this report as blackmail to get me to drop my statement against my ex! the police advised me to ahead and not give in to the blackmail as a minor breach of avo v's my ex's GBH assault on me was nothing.. and it was nothing.. but my ex and his family were guilt-tripping me about not forgiving her.. so i did after several months.. and look what happens! she ends up trying to get my son taken off me! she is evil.. i dont really care where she was "coming" from, all i know is that my ex could have murdered me and buried me in the backyard, and she would still be "on his side".. i dont want anything to do with that family anymore.. i have to myself and my son first and keep damaging ppl out of my life.. thanks JB.. i will be a sucker no more!

[KatieB]

Forgiveness

Barola;823335 wrote: Forgiveness is a toughy.
I heard a definition of forgiveness recently that has helped me tremendously.
"Forgiveness is letting go of a past you didn't have"
it was what it was ...... that does NOT mean you need to let this person anywhere close to you again, or for you to make the same mistake twice ..... just leave her to her toxic stuff and make friends with people who deserve you.

Thank you Barola..
despite what I said on a previous post.. i dont think i can forgive this "woman" (she's not acting like a woman but a child).. but i won't fill myself up with hate or bitterness.. i will just forget about her... she's not worth even the tiniest bit of my energy.. i forgave her before, but if i do so again, she will do something else that could damage me.. i will just concentrate on the ppl that deserve me! thanks

[Farm Girl]

Forgiveness

Oh Katie B, what is the saying - "you can forgive someone for what they have done but you don't have to love them or even like them, the forgiveness is to help you move on." So my advice is forgive her so you can move and take care of yourself!