Resentments? How do you deal with them?

[Anotherday]

Do you have any? How do you deal with them? Do you verbalize them? Do you just distance yourself from the person?

I have a resentment right now. Actually, I have a few. I've chosen to distance myself from one friend which is most likely for the best. Now I am thinking of doing the same with another. This other friend is in AA. Bless his heart. He means well, but I get sick of his AA stuff. He doesn't push it on me anymore, thank God. However, he is a smoker. Yesterday he told me that AA wisdom says to not try to quit smoking until after I've stopped drinking for three to five years. I'll be dead of smoking by then. So I am ticked off. I didn't say much. Truth is that smoking kills four times as many people annually as does drinking.

Anyway, I know this isn't a non smoking board, rather a drinking (or non drinking or moderating board). But my question has specifically to do with resentments or maybe what do we do when WE start to change yet deal with others who remain the same.

I think it's normal as we go on this journey to get miffed. I think that things we found acceptable, the things we used to just drink away, will no longer be acceptable. The question is...what do we do? Do we say how we feel or do we just distance ourselves and go out and make new friends? What do you do?

[mama bear]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

I don't have alot of close friends, so I have been honest with the few people I chose to be close to and i ask for their support.....so far EVERYONE has been wonderful......let them offer their opinions, but that doesn't mean you have to take it to heart or follow it.

[runningwind]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

Anotherday, I think we need to have more empathy with people. So maybe in return, they will try to understand us better. Maybe we should try to see things through other peoples eyes and not are own. Though, at the end of the day, if that does'nt work , distance is probably the best option. By the way, great job on all your AF days, it's wonderful!
runningwind

[Lavande]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

Anotherday,

The truth is some people are just incredibly toxic!
I have chosen to remove many of them from my life - some friends & some family. I needed to remove all the negativity on my life in order to work on my issues without enduring the sarcastic comments of others! We can't change the way other people think but we can distance ourselves to protect our quits.

By the way, I quit smoking a little less than 2 months after I quit drinking last year. You manage your quits in a way most comfortable for you

[overittoday]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

Hi Another,
I try to not hold any resentments as at the end of the day it only effects me. I usually ask myself why would that person behave that way and try and understand it without critism.

Everyone is different and I just accept that for what it is. I try and find the good qualities in the person and if that is impossilbe for me then i just create space between us.

There are so many personality types in the world its just not possible to get on well with everyone.

Now that i am on my own journey and sober i can see clearly who i want in my life and who i dont. When i was drinking i would always make up excuses for behaviour and now i am more honest to myself about it.

[spuddleduck]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

im trying to avoid any people/situations which would lessen my AF resolve. i have got to focus on me and not let other people piss me off or create bad feelings in my head

[Panno]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

I've found being honest with myself helps to be honest with other people for the good or bad and I agree with Spuddleduck the only way forward to beat the AL is to focus on ourselves :l

[hippie37]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

Resentments are like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.


This has always been a favourite quote of mine about resentments because it's simple and so true. I've had resentments all my life. The thing with us alcoholics is that we are such a sensitive bunch that we think it's our God given right to place blame at anybody and anything other than ourselves. The last thing we want to do is look at ourselves and look at our shortcomings because we're so bloody perfect, aren't we? The thing with resentments is that the more you have the more likely you are to drink again because of them. If you don't let go of the resentments then the layers become so thick that it will only take one silly little thing (the straw that broke the camels back little thing!) to send you over the edge. The poison is working as soon as you start feeling that anger, self pity, rage, hate, bitterness.

The only way I find at releasing me from a resentment is to forgive the other person or thing for their actions. I worked hard at these and it took a lot of time with some of the resentments I'd held onto for many years. Particularly as I had a big resentment towards life itself. "How dare my life not go according to my plans" "Poxy governments and laws telling me what I can and can't do with my life" I was a ball of anger waiting to explode to be honest. I was one of these people that said to myself "I don't do ANGRY". WHY? because it didn't fit in with my mild mannered, charming, sensitive 90's new-age man image. We ALL get angry at times, but for most of my life I've bottled it up and it's had no way of escaping until I was ready to forgive. Forgiveness is such a powerful way of dealing with resentments because you are freeing yourself of it whether the other person or thing is willing to accept it or not. It's not done in a pitiful way either otherwise it is still tainted with sarcasm for me.

I was extremely angry with an ex girlfriend for the way she treated me in ending our relationship. But when I looked at my own part in that and saw how I'd behaved and reacted, I was able to come to a place of forgiveness within myself. I made an amend to her and wrote to her telling her how sorry I was for my part in the downfall of our relationship and that I forgave her for ending things the way she did. I understood she must of been upset and angry too. END OF. I didn't wait for a response to say she'd accepted my apology or forgiveness. I'd released myself of the bondage of that resentment. whether she wrote back telling me to **** off or not has nothing else to do with me. That's her anger and resentment still eating away at her. I have nothing more to do with that anger she is still holding onto. It will probably eat away at her for years until she is ready to come to a place of forgiveness herself. That is usually the best result. It doesn't always happen though.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”


Love and Light
Phil
xx

[Anotherday]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

All good thoughts and thank you for your perspectives. There is so much wisdom here. I've been grumpy today I admit. Doing math hasn't helped. I know I have to accept other people's differences. It's just that I try not to push my way of thinking on others and I hope they show me the same courtesy. We all have our own paths and that is what makes MWO such a great place.

This place is so non-judgmental and uplifting and supportive for the most part. Sure, people will have bad days and maybe make an offhand remark once in a while. I am sure I've written things someone could take issue with without realizing it. My intention was not to offend and I have to cut others some slack too.

I think the biggest thing for me at this point is that I really have to examine the friendships I have formed through the drinking years and see if they still work, so to speak. I really want to be AF and do this thing and I cannot afford to get angry (too much) which is what I've walked around with all day for some reason. I guess it's the frustration of just looking at life without anesthesia for what it is. For what I've created - messes and all, lost opportunities and all and accepting that I am responsible for creating a new life. No one can do it but me.

I am happy to be AF on this holiday. It is a joy to drive and not worry about getting pulled over and having to go to the store "for more." It's a joy to know I will wake up without a hangover. Sure, life isn't always a picnic, but at least if I am not drinking today I have a chance to make it better.

[papmom3]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

Ahh, AD-you sound like you're in a very good place today/tonite. Way to go!! I found your question very thought provoking and I need to give it some serious thought. You brought out a great point about being AF on this holiday or any other day: no worries about drinking and driving and no wasting time on planning and running out for more. It's so delicious to be so free!! I'm enjoying it more and more!!
I'm glad to see you posting tonite. :goodjob:

[Anotherday]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

hippie37;823978 wrote: [B]
I was extremely angry with an ex girlfriend for the way she treated me in ending our relationship. But when I looked at my own part in that and saw how I'd behaved and reacted, I was able to come to a place of forgiveness within myself. I made an amend to her and wrote to her telling her how sorry I was for my part in the downfall of our relationship and that I forgave her for ending things the way she did. I understood she must of been upset and angry too. END OF. I didn't wait for a response to say she'd accepted my apology or forgiveness. I'd released myself of the bondage of that resentment. whether she wrote back telling me to **** off or not has nothing else to do with me. That's her anger and resentment still eating away at her. I have nothing more to do with that anger she is still holding onto. It will probably eat away at her for years until she is ready to come to a place of forgiveness herself. That is usually the best result. It doesn't always happen though. Love and Light
Phil
xx

Thanks for posting about your ex GF. I had a meltdown in November with an ex BF. A real meltdown to the extent I was teetering on my very continued existence. He drove me (I let him drive me) to that point. I was sooooooooooooooooo angry. I went off all my meds at once cold turkey (the ones I was supposed to be on for mental health reasons) spent three weeks in a cold sweat detoxing and drinking. I kept writing him letter after letter. I did restrain myself and only contacted him a couple of times. He has NO idea how far on the edge I was. However, just a month ago I told him I still wanted to send him a letter. In the past couple of weeks I've sort of let go of the idea. I guess maybe I am finally coming to terms with it. Am I ready to forgive him? I don't know. But I am ready to move on and live life without him in it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Funny Girl]

Resentments? How do you deal with them?

I did love Hippie's lead in statement! Lovely - I'll have to write that one down - it's soooo true. AD you are doing great! These are very good questions & will continue to come up since you will continue to see things differently as you view life through a different lens. Your priorities will change - mine are beginning to already. You have to focus on you & I think if people are distracting you or are taking away your joy over being sober & strong, back away. You have to be comfortable & happy in your newfound 'quitting'. You & only you, can determine what methods work best for you. Well intentioned friends are one thing, but you may also find those who just want to tear you down & not be happy for your newfound success. Just motor on . . . .