Telling friends in the real world..

[KatieB]

Hi all,
I'm just after some advice regarding how or if to tell my friends about my issues with AL and/or depression.. The friends I have now did not know me when I was suicidal and depressed.. as that is quite far behind me now, though my issues with AL are still, I guess concurrent, even though I have improved a great deal.
I told one of my friends recently about my issues with AL and my DUI - I have not heard from this friend since.. she was ok about my depression and suicidal attempts of the past, so I thought she would be ok when I told her about my AL issues.. obviously not.. I thought as I am getting help, and am now older and not depressed, that friends would be able to understand and not judge.. but I was wrong! I just don't know what to do about my other friends.. as my issues with depression, AL and DUI's etc are a huge part of my history, I feel like I am living a lie and not being the true person I am with these friends - so do I go on living a lie, pretending I am "normal" like them or do I tell them about my past, but risk losing the very few friends I have.. any advice will be gratefully welcomed.. thank you!

[over it]

Telling friends in the real world..

if they cant understand that you and millions of others like us have these problems I wouldnt really believe them as friends, a real friend will help you through it........

I had the same issue with an alcoholic friend of mine before I admitted I had a problem to myself. I didnt help him but now ive phoned him and asked him for help he is more than willing. Sadly his moving to Sydney on Sunday so I doubt i'll get to see him.....

Hang on in there....

[redhibiscus]

Telling friends in the real world..

KatieB,
I keep it to myself, and only my husband knows. I guess I am ashamed and just want to keep my journey to myself. You are right, people do judge and that is the last thing anyone needs. Substance abuse in any form is not accepted as a disease, generally, people are blamed for it, doctors don't know how to treat it.

So, if you can find anyone you can trust, great. Otherwise, it may just be easier to not share. I wish I had something better to tell you, could be more hopeful, but I can't. When I go out and choose not to drink, I just say I'm on a diet, taking medication, etc. It is no ones business. I also think that people sometimes do not know how to respond. What do you think?

You are working hard on your recovery journey and have made progress, so good for you.:goodjob:

[Anotherday]

Telling friends in the real world..

KatieB;824497 wrote: Hi all,
I'm just after some advice regarding how or if to tell my friends about my issues with AL and/or depression.. The friends I have now did not know me when I was suicidal and depressed.. as that is quite far behind me now, though my issues with AL are still, I guess concurrent, even though I have improved a great deal.
I told one of my friends recently about my issues with AL and my DUI - I have not heard from this friend since.. she was ok about my depression and suicidal attempts of the past, so I thought she would be ok when I told her about my AL issues.. obviously not.. I thought as I am getting help, and am now older and not depressed, that friends would be able to understand and not judge.. but I was wrong! I just don't know what to do about my other friends.. as my issues with depression, AL and DUI's etc are a huge part of my history, I feel like I am living a lie and not being the true person I am with these friends - so do I go on living a lie, pretending I am "normal" like them or do I tell them about my past, but risk losing the very few friends I have.. any advice will be gratefully welcomed.. thank you!

Tough question Katie. If I were you, and I could be wrong, I'd set about making some new friends - perhaps you could join some groups for people who share some of your issues. I am thinking maybe a support group of some sort. Or, you could risk telling your friends if you are up to it. It's a tough call. OTOH, if they are real friends they will stand by your side. OTOH, some people can't handle these sorts of things.

I guess I would disclose things very slowly, little by little. I think that is the way to go. You could always mention you had a problem with AL on this one occasion and see how they react. If accepting, you could always say it is more of a current problem you are addressing. Maybe others here will have more definitive thoughts in the matter but I think it's a tough call to make.

Oh, and I should add I've lost friends by being too open. I recently mentioned I had mental health issues and never heard from this woman after that. I had a couple of other friends disappear on me too. I've become accustomed to it, which is why I do not disclose stuff except to people I REALLY trust or who have my same issues these days. I just am not in the mental space to lose more people. You might want to consider your mental state too before you do anything.

[KatieB]

Telling friends in the real world..

Thanks overit - but if only things were that simple.. unfortunately the only ppl that understand "our" kinds of issues normally have/had AL issues themselves - and they will often not come clean about their issues unless you tell them first about yours! it's a catch-22 situation..
Those who have never suffered with depression and/or have never felt they have had to turn to AL to help deal with life, will never understand.. also, I remember another friend I "lost" in the past - the moment she found out I had a problem with AL (she told me I was an alcoholic b/c I could not stop at one.. but I don't see myself as an alcoholic as I am not dependent on AL), she verbally abused me and wrote me off as a friend - turns out her father was an alcoholic so she had preconceptions about AL.. thats the problem.. AL often generates thoughts in people's minds about the kind of person you must be.. its such a strong topic, like politics or religion.. ppl have very strong views as to what is "acceptable" when it comes to AL - I do not want ppl judging me.. I prefer to be seen as who I am, without the AL issues.. I guess I am now contradicting myself as I said I wanted ppl to know about my AL issues as that was/(is??) part of me.. but I think if I am to keep my friends, i have to do what redhibiscus as advised, and keep it to myself from now on.. if I end up getting very close and trusting one of these friends, I may tell them then.. i just have to judge for myself when would be the right time I guess and if there is any point..
thanks for your input,
xx

[Guest]

Telling friends in the real world..

Hi Katie,

I haven't even told my husband that I am having this fight. I have simply said I want to lose weight and get healthy. Although he'd be pretty stupid not to notice.

I once told my best friend something about my life and she didn't believe me. From the outside, I have a wonderful life which makes it hard for people to believe anything could be wrong.

We were friends with a married couple who we thought were very happy. Then they seperated. At the time I thought "if they can't make it what chance do we have?"

Maybe this is how people look at us.

So, I am going to continue with my health and fitness line. Luckily, the friendships I have here are not based on AL.

Spam xx

[Farm Girl]

Telling friends in the real world..

KatieB - I was AF for 7 years and I told close friends about my issues with AL. None of them believed I was an alcoholic - people were always giving me a hard time as they did not think I had a problem. This time around, I am literally deciding what I say as I go along. Close friends - I have told most of them the truth. Family and friends, depends on who it is and what I feel like telling them. I do tell people I am trying to be healthier, or on a diet, or on medication sometimes too. I have found this approach is not stressing me out as much..

[KatieB]

Telling friends in the real world..

Thank you Spam, FG and AD,
I think I will keep my issues to myself. unless i get really close to someone in future, but I wont be telling any new friends that I just see for coffee every now and then - why destroy what precious few relationships I have? if ppl want to get to know the "real" me, then they will in time.. but i'm not going to reveal everything about my past as I see myself as changing now, i'm not the same person i was.. i dont turn to AL anymore to deal with life, and i dont have depression anymore.. just a bit of loneliness but no depression.. thanks again,
Katie x

[Marshy]

Telling friends in the real world..

KatieB,

You said you haven't heard from your friend since. How long ago did you tell her? I'm wondering if it's been a short time whether she's just been busy and hasn't been in touch because of that?

I think we often put enormous importance on our relationship with alcohol, and other people just don't.

How about inviting her out to something to see what her reaction is? Maybe she's wondering why she hasn't heard from you for a while...

[KatieB]

Telling friends in the real world..

Hi Marshy,
Maybe I am thinking the worse (as I am prone to do, but I have lost heaps of friends in the past by revealing too much).. I told her around 2 weeks ago, ive invited her for coffee twice, and she had an excuse each time.. i know this may be circumstantial but i'm pretty sure I have "scared" her off, as she is extremely "normal" with no issues about anything.. thanks anyway for trying to get me to see another perspective..

[Marshy]

Telling friends in the real world..

Hmm. Doesn't look great on the face of it, but maybe she needs a bit of time to get used to the idea.

I'm lucky in that I've had a positive reaction from my friends and family (bless 'em!). They are happy that I'm no longer destroying myself, so I tend to think that if someone is going to turn away from you about this that they are not really a friend in the first place. And do you really want to be friends with the kind of person who drops someone as soon as they show they are not "perfect"?

[KatieB]

Telling friends in the real world..

Marshy;824629 wrote: Hmm. Doesn't look great on the face of it, but maybe she needs a bit of time to get used to the idea.

I'm lucky in that I've had a positive reaction from my friends and family (bless 'em!). They are happy that I'm no longer destroying myself, so I tend to think that if someone is going to turn away from you about this that they are not really a friend in the first place. And do you really want to be friends with the kind of person who drops someone as soon as they show they are not "perfect"?

Thanks, Marshy.. I guess not.. it would be a hard pedestal to keep on if thats what she wanted me to be! i am who i am.. if she doesnt like it, then its her loss.. my DUI which I told her about was almost 3 years ago now.. i have improved a lot.. but i think she may have other issues going on.. hopefully i will meet some like-minded ppl at some point, i cannot be the only mum in my area with these types of issue! i just have to get out there and meet some new people..

[Marshy]

Telling friends in the real world..

KatieB;824632 wrote: but i think she may have other issues going on...

Yep, it might not necessarily be about *you* at all. It might have brought up something uncomfortable for her.

I did laugh when you previously said she was very normal and had no issues. Are there really people like in the world? :H

Sounds like a good idea to get out and meet more people though.

[spuddleduck]

Telling friends in the real world..

think its the opposite for me than most people who have repied. my friends cut me off a bit when i was drinking. stopped being invited to things, i wasnt a horrible drunk but was i could be a bit of a pain in the backside as most people were drinking normally while i was dancing around and falling over. that really hurt so of course i would go and have my own party in my head with a bottle.... very destructive. i kinda understand but it felt awful. i have only told a couple of friends, both dont drink much at all. they are delighted for me and being very supportive. im not sure about the other, more drinky people. ill tell them at some point, but hey i wasnt invited before so id rather be sober not invited than drunk. i definately wont tell other more distant drinking aquaintences as i dont want to be the subject of gossip (again). i know ive got to do what i right for me, a lot of life changing has do be looked at to keep this up. hope you all get the support you deserve :l x

[gyco]

Telling friends in the real world..

one mans opinion

KatieB;824497 wrote: Hi all,
I'm just after some advice regarding how or if to tell my friends about my issues with AL and/or depression.. The friends I have now did not know me when I was suicidal and depressed.. as that is quite far behind me now, though my issues with AL are still, I guess concurrent, even though I have improved a great deal.
I told one of my friends recently about my issues with AL and my DUI - I have not heard from this friend since.. she was ok about my depression and suicidal attempts of the past, so I thought she would be ok when I told her about my AL issues.. obviously not.. I thought as I am getting help, and am now older and not depressed, that friends would be able to understand and not judge.. but I was wrong! I just don't know what to do about my other friends.. as my issues with depression, AL and DUI's etc are a huge part of my history, I feel like I am living a lie and not being the true person I am with these friends - so do I go on living a lie, pretending I am "normal" like them or do I tell them about my past, but risk losing the very few friends I have.. any advice will be gratefully welcomed.. thank you!

hi katieB,most people dont no about alchoholism,they relate it to the guy or woman with the brown paper bag,my family had to deal with it on there own,nothing they could do,took me many years to get help,beleive it or not ,alchoholism is a personal ailment,i or we dont care how much it hurt anyone,now that s where ,for me the depression set in,took 30 years of drinking,off and on,for me,it ended in 2007,someone or someones in plural,took it upon themselves,to squak on me at work,that they could smell it,at times on me,changed my hole life,in ways for the better,i beleive they no,leave well enuff alone,you have enuff to concern yourself of,other then there emotional thots hope it helps gyco:thanks: