Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

[Anotherday]

I was just out by the pool and thought to myself...maybe this year I'll use it. Then I thought, no, I can only swim under the influence. Tomorrow I've signed up to do this meetup/potluck with 40 other women. It's a potluck and there is no alcohol there, which is good, but I don't know that I can show up for it and yet I haven't cancelled. If I could have a glass or two of wine in advance, I would not have the social anxiety. I don't know anyone yet I know I have to push myself to get out there and meet new people.

So how are you getting on as far as meeting the challenges of doing things without AL when you needed AL before? My therapist told me on Wed that it's not normal to not be able to walk into a room of 40 people AF and socialize, but for me it's abnormal to do so.

How are you managing? What are the thoughts you tell yourself to push yourself to do things without AL? I know it's one of the things we need to learn how to do, but it's not easy.

[Reboot]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

OMGoodness!!! :H I work in health care and all I could think was what do you need a urinary tract infection to do!!!!!!

It is hard socializing when the glass in your hand has been such a big part of it. I do sometimes find it fun to be the sober person at an event. I am a bigger part of the conversations and it makes me realize how I must look when I am drinking. It is still a challenge.

Remember when you enter that group that you are interesting, dynamic and fun!! (At least you are on these boards.) You like yourself and who cares about anyone else. Think about how cool the water will feel and how relaxing it will be to swim sober!!! Hey is that where SS came from . . . . swim sober? LOL

Have a great weekend!

[johnnyh]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Hey AD.

Sorry but I can't agree with your therapist on that one. We are all different. Some of us feel comfortable in these situations, some of us don't. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable either and even so before my AL days. Some ppl start drinking for this very reason to feel more comfortable around ppl.

But that's really aside the point obviously. Were you quite easy about socialising like this before you drank? I mean if you weren't than why would you feel comfortable now when you're most vulnerable?

[Anotherday]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Reboot;824810 wrote: OMGoodness!!! :H I work in health care and all I could think was what do you need a urinary tract infection to do!!!!!!

It is hard socializing when the glass in your hand has been such a big part of it. I do sometimes find it fun to be the sober person at an event. I am a bigger part of the conversations and it makes me realize how I must look when I am drinking. It is still a challenge.

Remember when you enter that group that you are interesting, dynamic and fun!! (At least you are on these boards.) You like yourself and who cares about anyone else. Think about how cool the water will feel and how relaxing it will be to swim sober!!! Hey is that where SS came from . . . . swim sober? LOL

Have a great weekend!

LOL, sorry. :H When you drink as much as I have, UTI means primarily one thing, sort of like the two words crack or crack? (first thing that came to mind!)

Yes, I guess a lot of us have formed associations with drinking - drinking while smoking, drinking at a party, drinking while bowling, drinking at a football game, drinking with dinner (although maybe not so much as food slows down absorption).

I did email and commit to going tomorrow just a bit ago. I am bringing two pies that I can just leave there (without worrying about leaving any dishes behind) if I need to scram fast. I don't ever have to see any of those people again if I don't want to. I do want to make some progress here for when I next see my therapist. It IS what normal people do. It is getting out of the house and, no offense to MWO, but off this forum as I've become addicted to MWO now too! It would be wonderful if we could all just have a party in real life, that would be a hoot! Good to have you here and thanks!

[Anotherday]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

johnnyh;824811 wrote: Hey AD.

Sorry but I can't agree with your therapist on that one. We are all different. Some of us feel comfortable in these situations, some of us don't. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable either and even so before my AL days. Some ppl start drinking for this very reason to feel more comfortable around ppl.

But that's really aside the point obviously. Were you quite easy about socialising like this before you drank? I mean if you weren't than why would you feel comfortable now when you're most vulnerable?

I started drinking at 13 so I really don't know what the "real me" is, so to speak. There were a couple of years I didn't drink but I was in college and pretty much a hermit.

I think the world is made up of all types, but it's much easier to be an extravert than introvert. I envy people who can go to parties and enjoy them without alcohol.

[papmom3]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Hi AD,
Most people who know me think I am very outgoing and friendly and have no trouble meeting and connecting with people. If they only knew!!! I have faked it for a long long time. In school, I would throw hissy fits if I had to make an oral report and the teachers eventually caved and just required a written one. As I got older, I refused to go to a party or event if I didn't know anyone. Once in college, the hissy fit thing didn't work and I didn't want to be a hermit so I forced myself to make friends and I took off my glasses when speaking in public. Of course, socially alcohol was always a factor (sometimes drugs too) so putting myself out there was easy.
Unfortunately I chose a career where I had to speak to groups of people who didn't always want to hear what I had to say but it got easier and easier until I ended up in college admissions where public speaking is the norm, not the exception. Still had sweats and palpitations everytime I had to speak.
For the past 10 years or so, my social life has been non existent-by choice I guess. As I got older and fatter I didn't feel like i belonged in bars, my "friends" got married and had families and I didn't get invited to parties except those my family threw. Again, as outcast as I felt (all the women were thin and everyone but me was married and had kids), the alcohol helped me to feel like I was part of the scene even tho these people have known me for years, sober and drunk.
On the 28th I will be attending a family party for my nephew's 18th birthday. I will not be drinking and therefore I will have to make conversation without the crutch of AL.
I think you are very brave to go to an event where you know no one. My gut feeling is that there are going to be many women there who don't know anyone and are in the same boat as you, possibly even going through being AF. One thing that really has helped me in the past is asking the hostess if I can come early and help set up. I did that for years when my sister had her annual christmas Open House where there were tons of people I didn't know from her work, her neighbors, hockey and baseball parents etc. No one could stare at me when I came in because I was already there and if I had to help setup and prepare, I didn't have to make conversation because I was busy (and not drinking)!! Once I could relax, I had been introduced to enough people that they gravitated to me and wanted to know more about "beth's sister". It worked like a charm for me.
Sorry this is soooo long but I hope I've given you some helpful suggestions.

[Anotherday]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

papmom3;824825 wrote: Hi AD,
Most people who know me think I am very outgoing and friendly and have no trouble meeting and connecting with people. If they only knew!!! I have faked it for a long long time. In school, I would throw hissy fits if I had to make an oral report and the teachers eventually caved and just required a written one. As I got older, I refused to go to a party or event if I didn't know anyone. Once in college, the hissy fit thing didn't work and I didn't want to be a hermit so I forced myself to make friends and I took off my glasses when speaking in public. Of course, socially alcohol was always a factor (sometimes drugs too) so putting myself out there was easy.
Unfortunately I chose a career where I had to speak to groups of people who didn't always want to hear what I had to say but it got easier and easier until I ended up in college admissions where public speaking is the norm, not the exception. Still had sweats and palpitations everytime I had to speak.
For the past 10 years or so, my social life has been non existent-by choice I guess. As I got older and fatter I didn't feel like i belonged in bars, my "friends" got married and had families and I didn't get invited to parties except those my family threw. Again, as outcast as I felt (all the women were thin and everyone but me was married and had kids), the alcohol helped me to feel like I was part of the scene even tho these people have known me for years, sober and drunk.
On the 28th I will be attending a family party for my nephew's 18th birthday. I will not be drinking and therefore I will have to make conversation without the crutch of AL.
I think you are very brave to go to an event where you know no one. My gut feeling is that there are going to be many women there who don't know anyone and are in the same boat as you, possibly even going through being AF. One thing that really has helped me in the past is asking the hostess if I can come early and help set up. I did that for years when my sister had her annual christmas Open House where there were tons of people I didn't know from her work, her neighbors, hockey and baseball parents etc. No one could stare at me when I came in because I was already there and if I had to help setup and prepare, I didn't have to make conversation because I was busy (and not drinking)!! Once I could relax, I had been introduced to enough people that they gravitated to me and wanted to know more about "beth's sister". It worked like a charm for me.
Sorry this is soooo long but I hope I've given you some helpful suggestions.

Gosh, papmom, I can really relate to a lot of what you say, except for the family part. I majored in speech-communications in college and hate giving speeches. I joined Toastmasters and that did help, in part. I am not married and feel often that I am an outcast and it keeps me from doing things. This group is only women over 40 though I'll be attending tomorrow, so it doesn't matter so much I am a little on the plump side, so to speak.

They do need help setting up too, so excellent point! I am going to a Spanish conversation group in the a.m. with other people I've never met but I'll be comfortable there (I think) provided my Spanish holds up. There are all kinds of things to do out there if one goes on meetup.com that don't involve AL. It's just a matter of putting oneself out there!

I do find it to be a barrier though, this business of being 50 without a spouse or children, at least the human kind. So many are married with children and I'd say I am in a minority. There is even a meetup here for people without children but it does include couples. There is also another meetup for women here who have never been married with no children but I've been married once. Nothing is perfect. Point is, there are so many better ways to spend time than drinking. I don't know how (in this moment) I could have passed so many years just sitting around drinking alone. Yet even as I say this, the thought still crosses my mind! Thanks so much for your post and I am going to "fake it!"

[Coco-Nut]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Anotherday;824800 wrote: I was just out by the pool and thought to myself...maybe this year I'll use it. Then I thought, no, I can only swim under the influence. Tomorrow I've signed up to do this meetup/potluck with 40 other women. It's a potluck and there is no alcohol there, which is good, but I don't know that I can show up for it and yet I haven't cancelled. If I could have a glass or two of wine in advance, I would not have the social anxiety. I don't know anyone yet I know I have to push myself to get out there and meet new people.

So how are you getting on as far as meeting the challenges of doing things without AL when you needed AL before? My therapist told me on Wed that it's not normal to not be able to walk into a room of 40 people AF and socialize, but for me it's abnormal to do so.

How are you managing? What are the thoughts you tell yourself to push yourself to do things without AL? I know it's one of the things we need to learn how to do, but it's not easy.

Excuse your therapist ("My therapist told me on Wed that it's not normal to not be able to walk into a room of 40 people AF and socialize") but I know very successful, seasoned attorneys who find it difficult to walk into a room full of strangers and strike up conversations. I think it is difficult for most people.

[Anotherday]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Coco-Nut;824830 wrote: Excuse your therapist ("My therapist told me on Wed that it's not normal to not be able to walk into a room of 40 people AF and socialize") but I know very successful, seasoned attorneys who find it difficult to walk into a room full of strangers and strike up conversations. I think it is difficult for most people.

Ok, I am going to tell him this. Thanks!

[papmom3]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Oh I know how we could have wasted all those years-it was the easy way!! When I got into the mindset that no one cares, I'm fat and ugly so I'll never meet anyone, then sitting home all night long numbing my feelings with AL was a no brainer. Now I have to figure out how to rejoin society. Luckily I'm on a couple of dog breed specific email groups, one of which is local so I get to see these people 2 to 3 times a year at playdates and there usually isn't AL at these events unless you bring your own which I never have (hour and a half long drive home with my babies in the car-no way!). I like your idea of the meetup groups. I'm going to look into them for my area and maybe I'll be as brave as you!! I think you're going to do fine at both events and good for you for taking the bull by the horns. I can't wait to hear all about them!! :goodjob:

[dancingon]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Hope it goes well for you Anotherday. Good on you for being pro-active and finding some things to do in your community. You might be surprised to find that some of these women are single, divorced and childless. But even if you don't, I hope you find someone you connect with.

I'm a little shy in crowds too, even though I've done some public speaking in my job. I think it's probably more normal than not to be anxious walking into a room of 40 people you've never met. It may not be so common for people to not believe they can do it without alcohol. But of course you can.

I like the idea of getting there early to help set up. I've also heard it suggested that you can help offer food around, or collect dishes, if you're struggling.

[Funny Girl]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

I think Meetup.com is a great way to go AD. I am going to get out there & do some of that myself - once my bruises heal from Monday's fall & this weather gets a little bit better. I planned to find some stuff that I could attend that wasn't al oriented. There are some walking groups I want to join & I'm going to do some volunteering myself since I've always done a lot of that anyway. I think you'll be fine. strike up a conversation about the pies. Someone may just ask about them anyway - cooking shows are so popular, I find everyone talks about food all the time. Everyone likes food! Also, it's going to be so easy to be social now that we don't have to worry about driving since we'll never be drunk!!! Just think about that! How wonderful - huh?

[Anotherday]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Funny Girl;825082 wrote: I think Meetup.com is a great way to go AD. I am going to get out there & do some of that myself - once my bruises heal from Monday's fall & this weather gets a little bit better. I planned to find some stuff that I could attend that wasn't al oriented. There are some walking groups I want to join & I'm going to do some volunteering myself since I've always done a lot of that anyway. I think you'll be fine. strike up a conversation about the pies. Someone may just ask about them anyway - cooking shows are so popular, I find everyone talks about food all the time. Everyone likes food! Also, it's going to be so easy to be social now that we don't have to worry about driving since we'll never be drunk!!! Just think about that! How wonderful - huh?

Hi FG,

I'm cheating on the pies. I've never made a pie in my life! And a special point was made to say NO ALCOHOL! which I found interesting. Meetup.com is really neat-o. There are so many special interest groups. I am sure there are walking and/or hiking groups where you live. And volunteering is a great thing to do if you have the time. I wish I could go back to the adult homeless shelter here but that is out as my ex BF works there.

Yeah, it is wonderful to not have to worry about driving drunk. That is for sure.

AD

[Farm Girl]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Anotherday, this might sound really stupid but instead of being anxious about this event, look at it like a challenge for you to show just what a ##!! great person you really are! I have been challenging myself without AL at social functions - yes a little bit of forcing myself to talk to people, dance, relax - but it worked as AL was not on my mind, and trust me it was everywhere at these events. Another thing I do is work the room, you know - not talk to anyone for very long. That helps too as I don't get anxious because my conversations are not so long that they get uncomfortable. Give it a go and I bet you will surprise yourself!

[Funny Girl]

Things you've thought you needed to be UTI to do

Well, maybe you could complement someone on whatever they bought & tell them how you wish you could learn to make that dish . . . .you know - whatever comes up. I'm sure they'll love those pies anyway!